Making it as an influencer these days can be difficult.
The lane has been inundated with so many people who want to make a fortune.
Like any business and brand, the build takes time.
But rise to fame can be difficult when one has heavy life responsibilities.
Influencers with partners have a lot to answer for.
Case in point...
Redditor Naive-Idea7440 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my wife that she would be infinitely more useful cooking and cleaning than chasing her dream?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 39 and M[ale]. My wife is 36."
"We have two sons, 5 and 3."
"Two years ago, my wife approached me one day and told me that she was interested in making some money off of Instagram."
"I thought it was a fine idea, as she was home during the day and couldn't work because our younger son was still too small."
"We're fortunate that I make enough money to support our lifestyle comfortably, and I encouraged her to go for it."
"Unfortunately, in the past two years as a hopeful Instagram influencer, she has not made a single cent."
"Her earlier attempts at gaining followers were for post-partum fitness, and since she knows nothing about fitness, that went nowhere."
"She tried to make exercise guides where she would do these bizarre mobility movements, and these would only get a few views."
"She moved on to doing makeup tutorials, which similarly fell flat, likely because there are a billion such channels out there."
"Then she jumped onto this slice-of-life train, where she would make videos talking about her day, but to be frank, they all were pretty boring, and she failed to attract any attention."
"The issue isn't that she's trying."
"The issue is that she spends the overwhelming majority of her waking hours on Instagram and skirts her household responsibilities."
"I wake up at 5 am, go for a run, come home, make breakfast for everyone, then make lunch for our older child and myself, and take him to kindergarten."
"I go to work until about 5 pm, get home around 5:30, make dinner for everyone, wash most of the dishes, tidy up a bit, bathe our sons, play with them, and go to bed."
"She wakes up at 7:45, usually later because she was up late on Instagram, lies down on the sofa as I do everything, and while I'm at work she works on her Instagram more."
"Any attempt to get her to do something is met with complaining."
"The other day I finally got fed up with her because I walked in the door to a complete disaster zone of things strewn everywhere, the laundry not done, and a sink full of dirty dishes."
"I asked what she had done all day, to which she responded she was 'busy.'"
"I snapped at her and told her that her Instagram is going nowhere and that I've put up with it for two years longer than I should have, and that she would be infinitely more useful cooking and cleaning."
"She got this horrified look on her face and walked away."
"She went into the bedroom (naturally looking at her phone) and left me to deal with everything that night."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for how I reacted to her?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"There's a reason that these things are usually side hustles until they go big."
"It's hard to make it."
"Having no job, bringing in no income, and contributing nothing to the household is not a realistic way to be a good partner."
"Could you have worded it better or been more tactful?"
"Sure, but I get how you would just kind of snap in the moment. NTA." ~ Redlight0516
"A side hustle might be selling something on Etsy or similar."
"That would be a side hustle because even if it doesn't go big, it is still something small in terms of returns."
"Maybe a few 100 a year."
"This isn't a side hustle."
"It's a distraction and a waste of time." ~ citizenecodrive31
"I have the perfect idea for her - needs to start filming him and rebrand her Instagram as 'lazy lucky wife.'"
"Post shots of him getting up at the crack of dawn, coming back from his run sweaty, making food and lunches while in a tie and dress shirt sleeves rolled up, etc."
"She'll get a lot of negative feedback, BUT people will be subscribing just to see what OP is making for dinner (note: get a cute apron)."
"Maybe OP could grow some herbs in little pots."
"A little video of some fresh chives being snipped into some cream cheese for a Sunday morning breakfast would be 🔥."
"Oh, wait!! Never mind, It's all just more work for OP to do."
"She needs a 9-5." ~ cakivalue
"Maybe OP should get a GoPro and attach it to himself, record all morning, and end it as he walks into the office, then start it back up as he leaves the office ending with him turning the lights out to go to sleep."
"He can then edit it with a few seconds of each 'task' and upload it to IG and tag his wife in it. She will get attention then, it just won't be the kind she wants, but it might be what OP needs." ~ Environmental_Art591
"She's got the answer to the great 'how to get hubby to do a bunch of household chores and childcare so I can sleep late and spend most of my waking hours playing on my phone' dilemma."
"NTA, OP." ~ JazzyKnowsBest13
"NTA. I think your reaction is a normal breaking point."
"She tried. You should be encouraging around that."
"She even pivoted. It's not that you don't believe in her."
"But, it hasn't worked even a little bit."
"The children are still so young and she's missing out on time connecting with them and with you. It's not healthy."
"Her continuing this is at the detriment of your family's rhythm and routines and not what you imagined family life would look like."
"Ask if it's what she pictured either?"
"What does she picture an average day to look like?"
"I feel now that she's so detached and staying up late, it all feels like she has an addiction to her phone and social media."
"This is why social media is so nefarious. It's changed her priorities, which started out innocent (to be creative and bring in extra money), to the point that her family is a burden."
"It's turned her brain to mush."
"Sometimes this happens because, as moms, we are in sensory overload during those early years, and it's so easy to escape or soothe with dopamine from the phone."
"I'd approach it like an addiction, that it's not about being supportive of dreams or pigeonholing her into a S[tay] A[t] H[ome] M[om] role, but rather that she isn't balancing her 'career' and neglecting connecting with her family and pulling her weight with household responsibilities."
"I would say that it's to the point to draw a hard line."
"A year of getting off social media and just focusing on the family and your marriage."
"That no adult phones can be out around your children (and you both will step into another room if you need to look up a recipe or take a call), and both phones get put in a drawer at dinner time and at bedtime."
"Break down the household tasks again, commit to reading books together (Fair Play Method), and if necessary there are digital detox getaways."
"Be ready to support new growth, such as gym membership, share skill classes, hiking moms groups."
"Just… not M[ulti]-L[level] M[arketing] or coaching schemes."
"But, she does need an identity outside motherhood." ~ hyperfixmum
"NTA, even if she was making money, she would still be neglecting your kids and her whole job as a stay-at-home mom."
"You should have centered the conversation around that, she can be an influencer wannabe but she should still do her tasks."
"I'm sure with having the kids at kindergarten she would still have the time to be an influencer, many of them center their content around cleaning the house or preparing meals." ~ -_BitterSweet_-
"NTA. She thought being an influencer would be easy, but she was wrong."
"Whatever it takes to be an influencer, she isn't a good fit."
"As your kids grow older, she's going to need to figure out what she can do with her life."
"At the same time, she's going to need to pick up more of the household tasks." ~ mifflewhat
"NTA. Maybe the wording wasn't the best, but the sentiment behind it (that she is neglecting her responsibilities) is valid."
"It sounds like you're the third wheel in your own marriage when her phone with the Instagram account is more important to her."
"Be very careful she doesn't try turning her hand and video camera to mommy blogging because that can easily turn exploitative, and she's looking for social media validation." ~ lemon_charlie
"The truth is, she's not useful to her partner or her kids as-is."
"And that's not sustainable."
"When she's ready to talk, tell her that you want to see a business plan for identifying a market that's not being served, and building her audience, and a timeline for becoming profitable."
"Tell her if she's going to treat social media like a job, then she has to perform like a manager with quarterly goals, projections for growth and revenue, and action items. It is 2024."
"There is an abundance of material out there for her to use to get started."
"And if that's too big an ask -- then she either has to get a jobby-job (even if the salary is eaten by daycare, at least she's on the rolls for social security) or she has to up her game on the domestic front to prove she's still willing to be a viable marital/family team."
"You're NTA, in my opinion." ~ Top_Put1541
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
You can't do everything.
It may be time for a chat with a family therapist and maybe a headhunter.
Your wife needs to understand that she has home contributions to make as well.
Hopefully, she'll understand.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp