An elderly Redditor is a widower and a father who is having a tough time dealing with his daughter and her two children.
The daughter—who is being referred to here as “Laura”—had formerly been in a “toxic” marriage ravaged by infidelity and drug addiction but has since cleaned up her act after going to rehab.
But when she didn’t remain on the straight and narrow, the father was forced to make a tough decision.
So he visited the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit to see what strangers had to say by asking:
“AITA for refusing to let my daughter see her children?”
The Original Poster (OP) expressed he was “very conflicted about what’s happening with my family and am desperate for some judgment.”
“I am (70 M[ale]). I was with my wonderful wife Susan from 1967-2020 when she sadly died also aged 70 earlier this year. I was absolutely devastated.”
“We were together for over 50 wonderful years and during our time together, we had 2 children: Tim (45) and Laura 44). Susan and I tried our best as parents and gave them good childhoods I think. They were well loved and never went without.”
“Tim did well for himself, went to university and got a job with the degree he studied and is married and has 3 kids (10-15).”
“Laura however, went in the complete opposite direction of her brother. She went to university hellbent on studying medicine but dropped out at 20 after meeting a boyfriend, John. He had no ambition in life and dragged Laura into a world filled with drugs, alcohol and other unsavoury things.”
“Susan and I were not impressed with the lifestyle John and Laura were living. I was not a fan of John but tried my best for Laura as she was my daughter and she proclaimed to love him.”
“The relationship was incredibly toxic, involving cheating and abuse on both sides and constant drug binges. The relationship was on and off for years and produced Laura’s 2 kids (16F and 10F).”
“She stayed with John until her youngest was about 3 and kicked him out. She seemed to finally want to beat her addictions and I even paid for her to go to rehab and I looked after the kids wirh Susan.”
“Laura came out a changed woman and even turned into a decent mother.”
Unfortunately, Laura’s improvement was shortlived, and the OP became concerned for the well-being of his grandchildren.
“This lasted only 2 years where she got back with John, got back to alcohol and drugs and became a danger to the girls.”
“Social services took them away after a dangerous incident, John and Laura weren’t allowed contact and both of them eventually signed away their parental rights. Susan and I became the girl’s guardians.”
“Both my granddaughters were traumatised but Susan and I tried our best. They eventually settled and became happy and didn’t seem to be bothered by not having their parents. Tim also helped out greatly and the girls have a great relationship with their uncle and cousins.”
“Laura has recently surfaced after about 4 years and reached out to me on Facebook. I learnt John had passed away, she went back to rehab and even has a stable job and is living with a trusted friend.”
“She also wants to see the girls. I told her I was happy she got her life back but that she really messed up as a mother. I talked to the girls and the oldest downright refused to see her and the youngest cried at night when she learnt her mother was back and doesn’t want to see her mom.”
“I told Laura that the girls didn’t want to see her and I was sorry. She has since called me an AH and says I’m refusing her children. Tim says Laura is the AH as she chose drugs and drink over being a mum. I’m really conflicted by this all.”
“I’m just an old man and I don’t want to upset anyone.”
In an edit, the OP clarified:
“The youngest cried and doesn’t want to see her mom. I never once lied to her and said her mom didn’t want to see her.”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
NTA – Not The A**hole
YTA – You’re The A**hole
ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
NAH – No A**holes Here
“NTA. Laura made her bed and has to lie in it. Social services don’t just take your kids away for no reason.”
“You’re doing what you believe is right for your granddaughters and you even asked them what you wanted. You sound like a loving grandpa!” – [deleted]
“Yup. NTA, and once she had her rights terminated, they were no longer her children. The fact that OP asked his granddaughters if they wanted to see their mom was a courtesy he didn’t need to provide her.” – elvaholt
“Definitely NTA, but please get those children into therapy. You sound like an absolutely wonderful FATHER, because that is what you are, to those girls.”
“However, they have experienced trauma in their lives and it is better to get them help now before they start having serious relationships of their own and go down the same path as their egg donor.”
“Also be cautious about your daughter trying to contact them on her own. Do they have social media accounts? Does she know where they go to school? If they are going in person to school, please let admin know that they are not to release the children to that woman and NOT to give info over the phone.”
“They may decide to see her one day, but they need to be able to handle what she did to them in the past and the very real possibility that she will do it again.”
“Thanks for taking care of them.” – liquormakesyousick
“NTA! Your daughter completely obliterated that relationship with her kids, and severed her ties by giving up her rights… therefore your daughter has NONE. The kids don’t want to see her, and they are of an age where that decision is theirs alone to make.”
“Personally, I’d think about contacting a family lawyer to figure out any options you have if your daughter starts causing issues. But OP, please know what you’re doing is in the best interest of those little girls.”
“You’re doing an amazing job as Grandpa (and mom, and dad). Those girls will forever be grateful for you, and I am so incredibly sorry about the loss of your wife.” – KrNiTa
“Op is definitely not the AH. Keep those kids away, they don’t want anything to do with her, make it clear to her, reassure the kids their decision is ok and seek a restraining order if needed, also consider ensuring if something happens to you before they grow up that your son gets full custody over them.” – throw-me-away-xo
“Absolutely NTA. She repeatedly put that man before her kids, and chose to do drugs and neglect them.”
“They are the ones that don’t want to see her and for damn good reasons. You are their support and parent. I am sorry your daughter turned out the way she did and I’m glad she’s doing better.”
“Maybe in another couple years of sobriety and good choices, the then 18 year old might agree to talk with her if she reaches out. But she can’t expect her children to keep dealing with her drama and pain.” – Netteka
“Her children are old enough to decide. She has no LEGAL rights now but it was good of you to talk to them and ask if they wanted to see/talk to Her.”
“She sounds like a real piece of work.,,,now that the addict partner is dead she decided to be a parent…if he weren’t dead she would still be with him and living the same tumultuous lifestyle and she wouldn’t have even THOUGHT about her kids.”
“You and your wife have given them a gift of a stable loving home. They will never forget that.” – Remindme2000
Most Redditors said the OP was definitely NTA and continued to praise him for being a loving and caring grandparent to his daughter’s children.