While it would be wonderful if everyone in the world could be kind and emotionally regulated, there are simply some people who are not made that way.
And when there’s something going on in their life, like being pregnant, where they feel like they can shrug off all of their responsibilities, their behavior might become worse, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor TheLeftNutt already had a strained relationship with his sister-in-law (SIL) and the criticisms she would make toward his five-year-old daughter.
During their most recent argument about this, the argument escalated so much that the Original Poster (OP) refused to move forward with helping his SIL with her gender reveal party.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my sister-in-law (SIL) to f**k off?”
The OP’s sister-in-law (SIL) recently stopped by to pick her daughter up.
“I (28 Male) was at home watching my niece (8 Female) with my daughter (5 Female) and son (1 month old).”
“My sister-in-law, who is expecting, came to pick up my niece, and I asked if she could hang out for a little bit so I can do a little cleaning, since my son did not want to be set down.”
“She agreed and sat on the couch with him.”
The visit quickly took a negative turn.
“My niece ran over to her and said my daughter said she hates my niece, which did happen.”
“My sister-in-law asked if this was true and I said yes, but that I addressed the situation when it happened.”
“My sister-in-law freaked out and started to tell my daughter how mean that is.”
“I reiterated that I already talked to my daughter about this and my daughter apologized to my niece after it happened.”
“My sister-in-law got mad at me and said if she can’t say anything to my daughter, then I am not able to say anything to her children.”
“My daughter began crying because of the yelling and my sister-in-law stormed outside.”
“I tried to calm my daughter, which was when my sister-in-law came back inside.”
“My daughter, still visibly upset, said, ‘Sister-in-law, I don’t like you!'”
“To this, my sister-in-law replied, ‘Nice kid ya got there.'”
The OP had heard enough.
“I lost my s**t and told her she needed to leave and that she will not treat my daughter this way.”
“She told me to f**k myself, and I told her she can f**k off.”
“I also told her she can find someone else to help do her gender reveal besides me and my wife.”
The family was divided over what happened.
“This is pretty typical behavior for my sister-in-law (blowing up at people and going to extremes) even before she was pregnant.”
“She never takes accountability for what she does, and she has been rude to my daughter in the past.”
“Now my mother and mother-in-law are trying to get me to ‘bury the hatchet’ and apologize for kicking her out of my house. They also still want me and my wife to do the gender reveal despite there being another sister, plus my mother-in-law, who could do it.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Most understood the OP’s decision to come to his daughter’s defense.
“NTA. Your kid is five years old. She does not get to go off on her.”
“But you gotta protect your kid better than this. She can’t be in a position where she can go off on your kid whenever it comes into her head.” – Dry-Lake4777
“NTA.”
“This SIL is awful. No gender reveal for her, nothing from now on. Your mother and MIL of course are siding with her. They have the nerve to ask you to apologize?”
“Tell them to apologize to you for their enmity, or you’re finished with them till they do. This siding with the aggressor (your SIL) has to stop.”
“You are not their doormat.” – RealbadtheBandit
“NTA. Maybe the niece is bullying the daughter. The aunt is mean to the daughter. The daughter has enough self-esteem to tell the bullies she doesn’t like them. Why is this bad? Why is everyone saying the daughter has behavioral issues?”
“Dad and aunt shouldn’t have a screaming match in front of the children. But the families should have a cooling off period and have the gender reveal somewhere else.”
“The flying monkeys just don’t want to host the gender reveal.” – Sea_Firefighter_4598
“NTA. Kids say dumb s**t all the time! You handled it. It’s now over. Everyone moves on. SIL needed to discipline your already disciplined child.”
“We adults still use one of the saying my three-year-old granddaughter told her three-year-old cousin several years ago (as a joke): ‘You’re mean so you are not my friend or my cousin anymore.’ They are most definitely still cousins and best friends all these years later.” – Mimis_rule
After the post began to receive feedback, the OP clarified a few details.
“First of all, Daughter and Cousin normally get along okay. There’s usually one argument between them for something like Cousin not wanting to share toys (she’s an only child), Daughter trying to play with Cousin when she doesn’t want to play, or something minor like that. In this situation, Cousin was hoarding toys and not sharing with Daughter and Daughter had asked Cousin a few times to share. Cousin refused and Daughter got upset.”
“Second, my wife is on my side with the gender reveal. This isn’t the first time SIL has treated our Daughter this way, and is equally sick of it. She does not want to help with a gender reveal if SIL (her sister) is going to treat Daughter this way.”
“And yes, Daughter says these types of things when she gets really upset, but not super often. We have worked on talking through feelings and not hurting people’s feelings. She has not said these types of things as often, but obviously, she still does so it’s a work in progress.”
Reddit continued.
“NTA. Five-year-old kids do not have a filter. It is parenting to help them develop one, and it sounds like you are doing that just fine. Adult SIL ought to have a filter. If she does not have one, you need to protect your kid, just as you did.”
“She was wrong, and she can make the gesture to bury the hatchet, but if this is normal behavior for her, then you should not reward her by participating in her stuff as though she is okay.” – TracklessTinder
“NTA. Kids say mean things to each other. It’s just what they do. Sounds like you addressed it and even made your daughter apologize. Your SIL reacted unreasonably to the situation. Seems like she was making it about herself.”
“Your mom and MIL are dead wrong. I would insist on an apology from SIL before moving forward.” – Starry-Dust4444
“NTA.” You already addressed the situation when it happened.”
“Your daughter is five and apologized to your niece.”
“Your SIL is the adult and SHOULD know how to regulate her feelings, unlike your five-year-old daughter.”
“Don’t babysit again and don’t do this woman any more favors. Let your other relatives do the gender-revealing plans, since is so important to them.” – luluzinhacs
“Hi. Former elementary teacher here. The five-year-old daughter saying ‘I hate you’ to her cousin is NOT indicative of behavioral problems. It’s well within the range of expected behavior for a five-year-old. Kids make mistakes.”
“OP addressed the issue and had his daughter apologize. That’s a completely appropriate response to that type of problem. The SIL was out of line for demanding additional punishment.”
“I agree with the five-year-old. I don’t like the sister-in-law, either. OP is NTA.”
“And there is no way in h**l OP should be forced to throw that lady a gender reveal party.” – aj0457
But some were left questioning the OP’s parenting choices.
“I’m surprised by all the NTA judgments. I understand you have some previous drama with your SIL but analyzing this alone, it seems you think that your daughter can blow up against anybody, and if you only talk to her and she says sorry after then everybody has to conform and accept that’s it.”
“Let’s say that you find out some other kid was rude to your child, you approach the parent and they say, ‘Oh yes, it did happen but I already talked with my kid so that’s the end of story.'”
“You know that wouldn’t suffice for you. YTA.” – ManuAdFerrum
“YTA. It is all drama. You played it out in front of the kids, including swearing. You seriously all need to grow up.” – Downtown_Hope7471
“YTA. You have a terrible child. What five-year-old thinks it’s alright to go around telling people they hate them and don’t like them?”
“Parent better. Teach your child kindness before you harp on about your SIL. Clearly, you’ve not taught your child any manners as she bullied her cousin.” – Passingby1310
“Guess I’m alone, but YTA. Little kids were being little kids. I’m surprised this got so blown out of proportion.”
“What was so wrong about your SIL telling your daughter that it’s mean to tell people that you hate them? Are you the only person on the planet allowed to tell your child that? If your kid goes to school and says that to another kid, will you tell the teacher off if they address it?”
“I’m so confused because the other replies say that SIL disciplined your child (which would have been wrong), but there’s no mention of any punishment, only that SIL told your daughter it was a mean thing to say (which is totally true).”
“And while you mentioned yelling, it sounds like the telling was between you adults, not that SIL was yelling at your daughter. Are there comments I’m missing somewhere?” – TajMahal13
“NTA for telling your sister-in-law you won’t help with the gender reveal but WOW! YTA for the way you are treating your own daughter.”
“I hope I can get through to you here. The eight-year-old is taking toys and refusing to share. That is being a self-centered bully. Your five-year-old daughter wants a toy to play with and you do nothing to restore fairness to the situation. Count the toys, give half to each kid, and do SOMETHING! But you don’t.”
“The eight-year-old keeps taking more toys and when the five-year-old says, ‘I hate you’ (which is pretty mild, kids I know would have been hitting and screaming), you still don’t intervene and explain to the eight-year-old that she needs to play with the five-year-old or at least not hoard the toys.”
“Instead, you make your five-year-old child apologize.”
“Congratulations! You just taught your own daughter that her cousin is more valuable than she is, that her feelings and opinions don’t matter, and that she cannot trust you to be fair. I want to know how your relationship with your daughter is going in 20 years.” – ArreniaQ
Others took issue with how all of the adults handled the situation.
“OP ‘lost his s**t’ at the rude SIL, stooping to her behavior and making the whole thing into a mutually abusive s**tshow rather than holding the line and using grown-up words against evil-SIL’s bad behavior.”
“My sister has B-cluster personality disorder issues, so I know VERY WELL what it’s like to be unjustly attacked and verbally abused and it can be hard to not respond in kind sometimes, that’s for sure.”
“OP isn’t TA for knee-jerk reacting and telling her to f**k off, but it would be better to learn how to deal with abusive people in a more appropriate manner, NOT teach kids to just fly off the handle start yelling and tell people to F**K OFF.”
“ESH.” – lookthepenguins
“ESH. SIL is pregnant, and her hormones are whacked. Dad’s stressed and trying to get things done while watching three kids. This argument started over what a five-year-old said.”
“CHILL. If you don’t want to do the gender reveal because you don’t feel like it… tell her you don’t want to do it. Don’t let something a five-year-old said to and eight-year-old and blew out of proportion by a pregnant woman control your behavior.” – Feral_Kat1105
“ESH. I’d understand defending your daughter. You lost me at the screaming match part.”
“You’re an adult. Act like it. If the SIL doesn’t want to act like an adult, that is beyond your sphere of influence.”
“You may want to ‘bury the hatchet’ and calm the rest of the family, but I’d also limit my time around that kind of relative personally. In the meantime, I’d attend the gender reveal, but maybe not be a participant if that is an option.” – breweryjobs
“Kids fight, talk s**t, make-up, pretty much all the time. Kids aren’t good at emotions and control, so are more likely to lash out when they are angry or hurt.”
“So if you addressed it appropriately at the moment, good. It was dealt with, and you moved on.”
“That said… Kids talk s**t. Kids talk a lot. And they generally blabber to their parents about their day. Not to mention the niece likely had her feelings a bit hurt and might not have felt completely comfortable talking to OP about that. So it is understandable that she would be trying to talk through what happened with her own mom in order to help herself process it.”
“But… the mom should have stayed calm and asked questions. She would then have been able to ascertain whether or not the situation was dealt with properly. I don’t think the mom telling OP’s daughter that saying that kind of thing was mean was necessarily bad, reinforcing the lesson here can be good if done right. Mom needed to just stay calm, ask what happened, and then tell both kids they were out of line.”
“Unfortunately, parents tend to get protective of their kids, which happened on both sides here. Mom flared up because no parents liked hearing that someone hurt their kid. OP flared up as they thought mom was over the top excessive and that the situation was already dealt with.”
“And then you have two adults screaming and swearing at each other over what should have been a small issue.”
“I’m voting ESH overall just for the escalation. But NTA for not wanting to help with the gender reveal. Partly because I think reveals are stupid in general, and partly because if OP and SIL can’t get along well, the last thing they need is another opportunity to flare up at each other.” – MelodicBet1
The subReddit could all agree that sometimes kids say ridiculous and even hurtful things, but their concern was not with what the OP’s daughter said but rather what happened after. Some understood the OP coming to his daughter’s defense, while others thought that having an argument in front of the children was far more harmful than the sister-in-law’s criticism.
But the one thing everyone seemed to agree on more than anything was how little the world needed yet another assigned gender reveal party.