Redditor Dependent-Stand-8707 has recently found themselves in a pickle regarding their daughter’s impending Quineañera.
The Original Poster (OP) found himself financially responsible for a party he did not plan.
This drove him to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
He asked:
“AITA for telling my [42-year-old male] daughter [14-year-old female] that I wont be paying for anything related to her Quinceañera”
He explained.
“So me and my ex-wife have 4 kids [21-year-old male,20-year-old male,19-year-old male,14-year-old female].”
“We got divorced back in 2015 because of her infidelity and did not end in good terms.”
“She has always tried to put an image of herself as well put off but in reality she relies on a man who she doesn’t even love and only wants for money.”
“Our youngest recently told us that she wanted to throw a party for her 15th birthday.”
“My ex started looking into venues without telling me about it and after she found one she liked, she called me to say I had to put money in to pay for it.”
“I obviously told her no because I had never agreed to it and me and my current wife had already planned to throw my daughter a separate party which did not include her.”
“I suggested that she throw another separate party for her to celebrate on her own with her side of the family.”
“But she got mad and berated me for being a horrible father and not providing for our child.”
“My daughter is mad at me for not paying for the venue and she wont speak to me. The last thing she said was that she didn’t want the stupid party me and my wife wanted to do.”
“Im so confused and a bit upset at the fact that they got mad at me for something that I never consented to.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“ESH except your daughter.”
“You and you’re ex are terrible at co-parenting and you both suck at communication. You knew your daughter was going to turn 15 at some point, and this should have been addressed much earlier.”
“Are you planning two different HS graduation parties? Two different college graduation ceremonies? Maybe even two different weddings? Births?”
“Leave your daughter out of this. She is a child and you are the grown up. Grow up and figure out how to fix all this.” – Bertiers_Moma
“I think I agree ESH except the 15 year old.”
“I agree they should keep the child out of the divorce or should not be used as weapon.”
“I don’t think that either of the parent should be planning bdays parties without discussions especially if theres a expectation that the other expense will be shared.”
“However, These 2 lines stood out to me in OP’s story”
“‘me and my current wife had already planned to throw my daughter a separate party which did not include her'”
“‘she said was that she didn’t want the stupid party me and my wife wanted to do'”
“It’s the 15 year olds bday party so I think a 15 year olds should get some say in the bday party plans.”
“She’s not entitled to anything (edit: entitled to material things regards to the party) but she should get a say….”
“From the daughters response I’m wondering if OP and wife actually included her in the bday planning of their “seperate” party.”
“I’ve seen parents do this few times, they end up throwing a party that they want and not necessarily the party the kid wants…” – De-railled
“YTA for making this about yourself instead of your daughter. She told you herself – she doesn’t want your stupid party.”
“She wants a proper Quinceanera with her whole family there.”
“Contribute whatever amount you were going to spend towards the party she actually wants and deserves to have, front up, play nice with your ex, and let her enjoy her special day.” – Sweeper1985
“ESH”
“Your ex wife did exactly what you did. You both tried to plan a party behind each other’s backs without consulting one another.”
“Although you didn’t ask her for money, you clearly forgot to consult with your daughter who didn’t want the party you were planning for her when she found out.”
“It’s almost as if you’re planning a party for you and your wife in the disguise of a party for your daughter.” – jasperjamboree
“ESH (except the daughter)”
“A Quinceañera is a HUGE thing in many Hispanic cultures. This is the time that OP and his ex need to act like adults who love their daughter and cooperate to throw one heck of a party.”
“Instead both OP and his ex are using this occasion to bash each other. The loser isn’t OP or the ex. The loser is the daughter.” – que_he_hecho
“YTA. You’re letting your anger at your ex interfere here.”
“The Quince is important to your daughter, and you should be able to put your animosity aside for one day to work with your ex to help your daughter achieve a (reasonable) event she wants.” – ParsimoniousSalad
“ESH – You and your ex are still parents, just not married. Why the hell don’t you talk to each other before making plans? It sounds as if you hate your ex more than you love your daughter.”
“And your ex should have involved you in the planning.” – Comfortable-Focus123
“YTA.”
“Everyone here saying ESH has it soooo wrong.”
“Your daughter lives with her mother.”
“Your daughter’s mother is planning the party exactly as the daughter wants- which is why your kid let you know she wants nothing to do with whatever crappy party you were planning.”
“This isn’t about you. Or your feelings. Grow up.” – itammya
“NTA. I feel that people are bashing on OP unfairly.”
“People are asking him to have an amicable relationship with an ex-wife whom he divorced around eight years ago after she was caught cheating on him.”
“The ex-wife also never communicated with him about the venue and instead demanded that he contribute to this location without discussing it beforehand.”
“We also don’t know OP’s financial situation, not to mention he has clearly stated that he does not want to be around his ex-wife.”
“While his daughter is upset, she is a child and needs to learn the importance of communication, especially when discussing the use of other people’s money and planning big events.”
“This may be a significant cultural milestone, but it doesn’t change the fact that her mother raised her hopes for a location without communicating and agreeing to it beforehand with OP.”
“Any fallout falls on the mother in this case unless she wishes to cover the cost singlehandedly and have a separate party, as OP suggested.”
“OP is already planning out a party for his daughter with the help of his wife and is meeting his daughter’s needs (maybe not all her wants, though that is life).”
“Edit: I noticed that OP even attempted to organize it with his ex-wife, and she refused to coordinate it initially because of her petty sh*t.”
“The more I am reading, the more I have to say the daughter is being shown how sh*tty adulting can be (the world is not a kind place).”
“And OP is trying to put his daughter first while also not being raked over the coals by his ex-wife.” – Tesslerb
“ESH. The quinceaňara is an important life event, and both you and your ex need to be on board and in charge of it.”
“Put your bitterness aside for two bloody seconds and plan this big event for your kid, with your ex’s input.”
“Both of you need to get over yourselves for the sake of your child (and your new relationships.)” – FortuneTellingBoobs
“ESH”
“A quinceañera is an extremely important event in Hispanic cultures. Both you are your ex should listen to what your daughter wants to do for this event.”
“It doesn’t have to be huge and outrageously expensive, but she should have the say in planning an event.”
“Instead, you decided to plan something on your own for your family, and your ex decided to plan something and expect a financial contribution without actually discussing it.”
“You and your ex may have had a contentious divorce, but you are both the adults. Neither one of you should be using this as a way to get back at each other because of your past.”
“Your daughter isn’t part of that. She’s just your child and shouldn’t be used in a tug of war so you and your ex can try to “win.” Neither of you are winning.”
“Your ex should not have been making decisions that she expected you to pay for. You shouldn’t have outright decided your daughter doesn’t deserve a Quinceañera.”
“Suck it up and be an adult.”
“Have a conversation with your daughter about what she wants, include your ex in the conversation, and jointly decide what you can each do to contribute towards that.” – Gilly2878
Happy 15th birthday to the OP’s daughter.
Hopefully she can enjoy her celebration.