Raising a child with a disability poses a number of challenges.
Particularly, when you have multiple children.
It's understandable that the child with the disability will likely get more attention, owing to their various medical and emotional needs.
As a result, even if it is not the parents' intent, the other child will likely find themselves feeling neglected.
Such was sadly the case for the daughter of Redditor waltzingaway78, who grew up with an autistic brother.
With each passing year, the original poster (OP)'s daughter grew increasingly frustrated when she felt she was overlooked owing to her brother.
This led to a recent episode proving the final straw, and the OP discovering her daughter all but cut her out of her life.
Wondering if she really was worthy of such a punishment, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA? I missed my daughter's award ceremony because of my son, she's still not speaking to me."
The OP explained how after missing an important event of her daughter's owing to her son, she found herself rather unexpectedly out of her daughter's life.
"This might be a bit long but thanks for reading."
"I've been a single mom to two kids since they were 6 and 4."
"Their dad passed away."
"Around that time, my son was formally diagnosed as autistic."
"He's not very verbal and prone to physical outbursts when he has a meltdown."
"He's been in therapies of every kind for his entire life and it's helped somewhat."
"Their dad had a life insurance policy which allowed me to stay home as my son's main caregiver while working freelance, but money was tight and finding anyone capable of watching him has always been a challenge."
"My daughter was graduating from college last year."
"A week before the ceremony, she had an awards ceremony for academic achievement."
"I was obviously incredibly proud of her."
"She asked me to come to it and I said I would."
"Her college is two hours from here."
"I hired a trained sitter who specializes in autism the day of the ceremony."
"Right as I was about to leave, my son had a meltdown and was lashing out at the sitter."
"I couldn't leave, and he wasn't calm for hours."
"I'd left my daughter a voicemail saying I wasn't going to be able to make it."
"She called back that night absolutely livid."
"She called me a shitty mother, said I had two kids but only cared about one, that I'd missed every game and performance she'd had as a child and it clearly wasn't going to change as adults and that she was just done."
"She said she knows he can't help it, but her brother is incapable of showing empathy and it made it hard to be around him without resenting him."
"She hung up and that was it."
"I've barely spoken with her since."
"She didn't send tickets for the graduation we were supposed to go to the next week."
"She hasn't shown up for holidays and I've heard she's engaged but didn't call to tell me."
"She's cut us out, and in the one of three times we've spoken since, she said it's easier for her to not have us around than be disappointed and that being alone at events is nothing new for her, she just doesn't have to bother getting her hopes up I might come now."
"AITA?"
"I've offered family counseling and all other manner of things."
"I know I wasn't a perfect mom growing up."
"I didn't make it to her things, but not for lack of caring."
"I'm heartbroken but I don't think me not showing up in an emergency should have lost me my daughter forever."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was largely sympathetic to the OP's situation, they otherwise agreed that they were, indeed, the a**hole for missing their daughter's awards ceremony.
Everyone agreed that as the OP hired a sitter specifically qualified for her son's condition, she should have gone to her daughter's ceremony, as something could have just as easily happened after she had left.
"YTA, unfortunately."
"I know you're hurt and I'm sure it was very difficult to be in your position, but you let your daughter down in a major way."
"It wasn't just this one emergency, it's that it's been everything for her whole life."
"You hired a trained sitter, what would have happened if the meltdown happened 1 hour into your drive, would you have turned around or let the trained person you hired do their job?"
"She always comes last, so it's easier to step back, I understand where she is coming from."- hface84
"I hate to say this but YTA."
'My step son (SS) is autistic as well, but verbal and high functioning."
"He manipulates my husband all the time, perfectly timed melt downs and other misbehaviors to get attention."
'The thing I have observed living with them is that SS doesn't differentiate between good and negative attention, he only sees attention."
"He will do whatever it takes to get said attention, even if its to allow himself to get into to a full meltdown."
"We have worked really hard on not giving him negative attention or rewarding bad behaviors."
"My husband didn't even realize he had been rewarding the bad behaviors, because it was so engrained in him to give SS what he wanted to minimize the damage."
"You cant give in to your son forever, it's not realistic."
"I understand how horrible meltdowns are, I have experienced many first had and I know its super easy for anyone who has not been in that situation to say walk away."
"But you really need to walk away."
"What will happen to your son when you are gone?"
"If a trained caregiver cant handle him during a meltdown what will his life without you be like?"
"My advice is to get counseling for yourself, to learn to set appropriate boundaries for yourself with your son."
"Then go to your daughter and apologize for putting her second and lay out what steps you are taking to make sure this doesn't ever happen again."
"Its a tough road and Im so sorry you have to walk it alone."
"The worst part is how little support there really is for this."- secretcakeeater
"YTA."
"You got a specific sitter that could handle him for a reason."
"You chose not to go and showed her that you'd rather be with him then her even when it's not necessary."- lightandsweetplease
"Oh my God."
"She verbally annihilated you."
"YTA though."- Trytryagain17
"YTA."
"You sound like the stereotypical parent that has one special needs child and because of that child you neglect the needs of your other children because you always have an excuse."
"the special needs child.'
"Sh*t you even have a special needs trained sitter and you still use it as an excuse to skip important things for your daughter."
'Sorry for your situation but after 18+ years you should have figured out how to manage things such that you can make it to important events for your daughter."- xHeero
"YTA."
"You literally hired someone to calm him for you."- neonriby
"I feel like either YTA or NAH."
"Your daughter certainly isn't the asshole, and your son isn't either."
"I think you're missing the point."
"It wasn't you missing this one event that cost you the relationship."
"It was a lifetime of missed events and broken promises leading up to it."
"This was just the latest straw that finally broke the camels back."- SecretSpookySkeleton
"YTA."
"As a sibling to an autistic kid, my parents always pay attention to them, and they always put me second."- zobo52
"YTA."
'Wasn't an emergency, you said you hired someone who was trained to handle this."
'Unless the person was misrepresented, you chose your son over your daughter."
"Again."- onedamngoodman
"YTA."
"You have my deepest sympathy, but I think you handled that situation wrong."
"You had it rough as a single mom with two kids, one with autism, and I'm sure you did the best you could."
"At the same time, speaking as a parent of two children, one of whom is, like yours, insanely high maintenance / constant crisis / etc."
"You still have to be a parent to both children."
"And when you can't do it well, as happens all too frequently when one of them is in constant crisis, you absolutely have to find a way to make it up to the other one."
"And when you can't do that, you still have to make sure that they know how much you love them and how much you respect their feelings, because it truly is not fair and they are not wrong to feel that way."
"So while I don't think you are an a**hole, I think YTA in this situation because you clearly have not done a good job at making sure your daughter felt loved and respected and valued. In the specific instance you mentioned, did the trained sitter say you couldn't leave or was that your call?"
"If it was yours, you made the wrong decision and you need to tell your daughter that, and promise to make the right decisions in the future, and mean it."
"Otherwise, I think she is right that she has suffered enough and you will continue hurting her."-bigrottentuna
It's second nature for parents to worry about their children.
So one can't blame the OP for worrying about her son, and whether or not he could handle being left with a stranger.
That being said, the OP could have maybe worried a bit more about her daughter.
And how she felt every time she couldn't be there for her owing to her son.
One can only hope the two of them will be able to patch up their relationship.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp