When it’s time to have a baby, everyone has their own vision of how that should happen, complete with what to include in a hospital bag and birth plan, where to have the birth, and who should be allowed to attend.
These plans get complicated quickly when the people involved don’t agree with what should happen, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Famous-Pea6675 found herself having to get mixed up in someone else’s birth plan because they also wanted to include her daughter in the special day.
When she received pushback for disagreeing, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she made the wrong decision.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for refusing to let my daughter attend the birth of her half-sibling?”
The OP’s ex had a special request during their most recent drop-off.
“My ex approached me when I was handing our daughter (4) over Sunday about giving him two weeks with her instead of the usual 2 days (he has her for 4 days a month).”
“Shocked, I asked why, and he told me that his girlfriend was due to have her baby the next week, and they decided to have a home birth with all family present.”
“It’s his girlfriend’s vision of her perfect birth to have everyone greet the baby when he/she/they come into the world.”
“She said she can draw on everyone’s energy, and there’s more to it, but I don’t know how to explain it because I don’t understand it if I’m being honest.”
But the OP was not thrilled by this idea.
“I told him straight up NO because of multiple reasons:”
“1 – If something goes wrong, I don’t want my daughter being forgotten about in the rush to the hospital.”
“2 – She hasn’t been to a doctor at all since she found out she was pregnant, so I don’t want my child being traumatized.”
“3 – It’s no place for a toddler.”
“4 – His girlfriend will need his full attention and, let’s be real, my daughter will want it.”
“He tried to reason with me and give me stuff he looked up, but I just continued to walk to my car and drown him out.”
“My last words were, ‘I wish your girlfriend and your baby a healthy safe delivery, but you’re not using my kid for internet points.'”
The OP has been criticized ever since.
“Between his family, her, her family, and friends, I’ve had to take a social media break at this point.”
“IDK (I don’t know), maybe I’m an a**hole and robbing my daughter of a bonding experience and stressing her out?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some completely agreed with the OP’s concerns.
“I had 4 home births, and I completely agree with you. The fact that she never saw a doctor is frightening. Is she being seen by a midwife at least?”
“There will be sounds and sights your daughter will not understand, and she may become frightened. Your ex would be subjecting your daughter needlessly to trauma.”
“NTA. For your daughter’s sake, stand your ground.” – ohyoushiksagoddess
“Yes, my daughter was 6 when her brother was born and I told her she could watch or chill outside the door if it got to be too much (there were lots of family people around).”
“It ended up being a VERY messy, sketchy birth, and I didn’t realize my mother had forced her to come back in after she dipped.”
“I was too involved in what I was doing to stop it and she did NOT appreciate the experience. She described it as ‘the grossest thing I’ve ever seen’ and it may be a coincidence, but she also was not bonded to her brother and basically treated him like an unwanted guest until he was about 8.”
“NTA – stand your ground, mom.” – Cmother4
“I planned a home birth (which ended in an emergency cesarean – the cord was around baby’s neck), but I still did all the scans, blood tests, etc., and was under the care of two experienced midwives and still registered/known to my local hospital in case of emergency (which happened).”
“This no tests and ‘friends who’ve done it’ doesn’t cut it. We still planned the s**t out of everything, so we knew what the action plan was if x happened, etc. I wouldn’t want my kid around an unplanned unsupervised homebirth” – anonego7
Others also cited the custody agreement.
“NTA, OP – stick to your custody arrangement. No need to allot him extra time. What he can’t achieve in his time is his business/problem and shouldn’t be a burden shifted onto you.” – exCALibur_bz
“If OP’s up for it, maybe the next day she can bring her daughter for a quick visit to meet the new baby, but OP has no obligation to change up the custody arrangement for something that will ultimately traumatize her child.”
“NTA” – mrsprinkles3
“Um, excuse me, she has her friend who has ~ done homebirths before ~ which is extremely legitimate and not at all a cause for concern! Obviously very capable hands. Just like those Facebook groups she’s in. Really stellar medical care all around.”
“Also, the ex does not get off scot-free here. Yes, the person giving birth should have control over their situation, but…he hasn’t tried to stop this? She’s putting their child (and herself) in danger, and he’s just standing by? I wouldn’t trust him with my four-year-old, either! Even on a normal day!”
“Honestly, if the timing is bad and the four-year-old ends up being there for the birth by chance, my money is that he’ll eventually call OP to come get the four-year-old. Also, I would sort of wonder if OP could use the four-year-old being at the birth to gain more custody if she needs to down the line.” – aoife_too
Because of the negative attention she was receiving from practically everyone, as well as having to take a much-needed social media break, the OP was pretty convinced she was in the wrong. But the subReddit saw it differently.
Four years old is surely too young for an event that could potentially go wrong, and a lengthy visit to fit it in was not the way to go about it, either.