Reddit Mindless_Command7079 is a stay-at-home mother who has recently been under a lot of stress.
Her anxiety was further exacerbated after suffering a spontaneous loss, which left her bedridden.
Fortunately, her husband was there for emotional support by taking time off from work to take care of their daughter.
But she didn’t receive an equal amount of compassion from everyone in the family.
She visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit after an unsettling phone conversation and asked:
“AITA for not telling my MIL about my miscarriage?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“These past few months have been a lot for me. I quit my job a little while back, I took my daughter out of daycare, and I have been trying to be a SAHM.”
“I used to be teacher, but after my state restricted what I could teach my students about history, and asked me to teach them about how to use war tactics to survive school shootings, I quit.”
“I have been horribly depressed, and I have felt like I have been just going through the motions of being a mother to my daughter. Last week, I woke up to horrible pain and a bed covered in blood.”
“My husband took me to the ER to find out I was in the beginning stages of a miscarriage.”
“I basically haven’t left my bed since. My husband took a week off work to stay home with my daughter and I assumed that he told his mother about the miscarriage.”
“I got a call today from my MIL asking me about the progression of my pregnancy and I broke down over the phone, telling her the truth.”
“She got really quiet for a while then said that I should’ve told her immediately because she bought me a Snoo, which is a really expensive bassinet which rocks your baby back and forth.”
“She then got angry at me for putting my unborn child in jeopardy. IDK what she means by that, I did everything I could to preserve this pregnancy.”
“I finally hung up on her and have been laying in bed next to my daughter while she naps. My husband has texted me saying he is so sorry about how his mother is behaving but I keep telling him it’s not his fault.”
“I knew that my MIL was planning on buying a snoo but I didn’t think she already had.”
“AITA for not telling my MIL I miscarried sooner?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole in the situation.
“OMGODS HONEY… you are so not the asshole. Your MIL can return the snoo, ffs. You’re legitimately in poor health and deserve kindness and understanding, not a damned lecture about a the cost of a THING.”
“Your MIL also covertly accused you of being responsible for your own miscarriage, which is outrageously vicious. I think your spouse recognizes that his mom is out of line; you should too.” – EvolvingWren
“Can I just ask, why do some people feel the need to do blame the woman who just LOST A CHILD for the miscarriage?? It’s incredibly hurtful and unnecessary.”
“Also, NTA. Focus on you and your family right now.” – DC_Verse
“NTA but your MIL is TA. Somehow she managed to make your miscarriage about herself and framed it as YOU being inconsiderate. Jesus, please take all the time you need to yourself and it’s no one’s business but yours and your SOs.”
“No one is entitled to that info and you aren’t on their timeline to tell them what is going on. Tell her where to shove that snoo.” – maaya_the_bee
“Nta but your MIL. Her first concern should be that you are ok and recovering well not the money she spent on this fetus.”
“You were in ypur own grief and depression and recovery, it’s not your job to tell everyone. Your husband doesn’t have to immediately, either.”
“Your MIL is being selfish and I’d let her know[and husband] that shaming you after this event is not ok and she needs to apologize. I hope you recover well and get some therapy for this and help for your depression.” – PipeInevitable9383
“NTA- Your MIL was cruel. You did nothing to put your pregnancy in jeopardy. You did nothing wrong. Miscarriages rarely happen for any reason other than the pregnancy would have never been viable.”
“Take your time and grieve. Ignore her cruelty as best you can. I know it’s hard but try to not let her believe her words of blame.” – dukecherie
“Of course NTA. You don’t say how far along you were when you had the miscarriage, but it’s your MIL’s fault for buying an expensive item before the baby is born. And if it were possible to cause a miscarriage, there would be no need for abortions.”
“Your MIL is just mean but your husband sounds wonderful. Let him talk to her in the future and you stay away. Get help for your depression, though. You need to feel better and your daughter needs a healthy mother.” – Malibucat48
“NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. Your medical information is 10000% NOT her business. You choose when to share it.”
“You need to take care of yourself and heal emotionally and physically. Nowhere in there should be concern for her feelings. Your MIL sounds selfish and narcissistic; screw her!” – Special_Respond7372
“NTA and sending you Jedi mind hugs, mama! Please consider going NC with MIL as you heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually; as your hubby knows his mother is ridiculous, he should be able to act as interference for a good long while.”
“And, if you think of it, feel free to print out this comment, because your MIL should know that her reaction was cruel, self-absorbed, rude, uncharitable, and indicative of a person with no redeeming qualities besides ownership of a snoo.” – ladytypeperson
“NTA She was way out of line.”
“Also: You seem to be struggling with being a SAHM. There is nothing wrong with needing an outlet outside the home, especially if your former career as a teacher was more a calling than just a job to you.”
“Have you considered private tutoring either for pay or as a volunteer? Even if you just start out a few hours a week with a student or two that may be enough to help.” – Appropriate-Bar-2822
“NTA. Your MIL sure is lacking in the compassion department. A miscarriage isn’t a mere inconvenience, it’s an heartbreaking tragedy. Hopefully by now, your husband has ripped his mother a new one for her comment.”
“You should go NC with your MIL for a while, and ask your husband not to share any news with her regarding this. You need to heal, and the last thing you need is someone constantly ripping open the wound.” – DarkViolet99
“NTA at all.”
“Here’s what your MIL should have said: I’m sorry. Is there anything I can bring you for dinner? Would it be helpful for me to take my grandchild for a few hours? May I come clean your bathroom?”
“Her purchases are her problem. She could keep it for later or for someone else, return it, sell it, or donate it—she can keep her disappointment to herself. Nobody has any business trying to place blame for your miscarriage.”
“I am so sorry you lost your baby. May God grant you healing of body and soul.”
“You may want to ask a friend to make calls to people you’ve announced the pregnancy to, to let people know about the miscarriage so you have a bit of a buffer from people’s reactions.” – Iwasgunna
“NTA. Oh honey, the last thing on your mind should have been the needs of your self centered unkind mil. I’m so sorry.”
“She traumatized you after so much difficulty (the perverted history restriction issue, the teachers and little children lives endangered with our National gun practices ) and then your miscarriage. Thank goodness your husband is a rational loving person and understands how completely harmful and disordered your MIL is.”
“I’m certain that between the two of you you will figure out how to navigate knowing her, but you’re really truly should consider being unavailable by phone to her for the foreseeable future, if not centuries from now. I am so very sorry. You take care.” – mcclgwe
“NTA. Your MIL on the other hand is a huge a**hole. I am so sorry about everything you’ve had to deal with, your job, miscarriage, and now your MIL. She showed no empathy towards your miscarriage and was only concerned about herself, and then to blame it all on you?! Hell no.” – SnooBananas9424
Overall, Redditors did not have kind words for the MIL.
They thought she was way out of line for blaming the OP for the miscarriage and for caring more about the money lost from spending it on an expensive gift.
Redditors continued giving the OP some compassion for her suffering and they encouraged her to continue getting some rest.