There is simply no preparing oneself for learning that someone we love has passed away.
It’s news that we never want to come, and news that we can never prepare ourselves for.
Meaning, there is never a good way to hear this news.
Though there are surely plenty of ways we certainly don’t want to hear this news.
Redditor Strange_Agent5802 had recently suffered a devastating loss.
The original poster (OP) shared the news in a quick and efficient way.
However, a family member of the OP’s scolded them for the manner in which they shared the news, feeling they were only thinking of themself.
Having some doubts about how they handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for announcing my own mother’s death on Facebook?”
The OP explained why they found themself in hot water with some family members:
“Last week my mom died.”
“It was expected, she was elderly.”
“Soon after I got the news, I posted on Facebook telling my family and friends about it.”
“After that I received a message from a family member (family member by marriage) saying that it was inappropriate of me to spread the news since other family members (who I have absolutely no contact with) were in different time zones, and that this family member was unable to contact his/her children to let them know.”
“I was told that I posted the news to ‘garner sympathy, attention and support’.”
“My husband got the phone call and told me about it, and after I heard the words ‘she’s at peace’ I didn’t hear anything else.”
“I have no idea what he said after.”
“Maybe the family member asked my husband to tell me not to post anything… but I did anyway.”
“Two years ago my aunt passed away, and I was the last to know – there was no consideration for me at that point.”
“I’m struggling to understand why I was overlooked back then.”
“I read the news on a cousin’s FB page.”
“So, am I the a-hole for posting about my own mother’s passing?”
“I had no idea who was called before I was, so I had no idea who was told.”
“My family is vindictive and toxic, and I don’t have contact with the ones who are in different time zones.”
“Said family member has been part of the family for over 35 years, and I have almost 20 years on them.”
“She was MY mom.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for announcing their mother’s death on Facebook.
Nearly everyone agreed that, as it was the OP’s mother who passed, then they had every right to post the news on social media, with many agreeing they were more than worthy to “garner sympathy, attention and support”:
“NTA.”
“Did the same for my father last week.”
“It was the most expeditious way to get the word out without spending hours on the phone.”
“Nor does anyone read obits now either.”
“Dad was 92 and was Facebook friends with people I’d never have known to contact.”
“Ignore the haters and sorry for your loss.”- luvdiapsma
“‘garner sympathy, attention and support’.”
“Well, yes.”
“Your mom died.”
“Sympathy, attention and support are appropriate.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“NTA.”
“IMO as long as immediate family already knew you’re in the clear.”
“I think the idea of support circles/relationship circles applies here.”
“It’s mean and sh*tty for someone further out to criticize how you announce your own mother’s death.”- PlasticPalm
“Of course you are NTA.”
“I am so sorry for your loss.”
“Also…..’I was told that I posted the news to “garner sympathy, attention and support”‘.”
“And?”
“So what exactly would be wrong with posting to garner sympathy, attention, and support, anyway?”
“She says it like it’s a bad thing, but it is NOT.”
“You need all three of those things right now.”
“Hugs.”- jasperjonns
“NTA.”
“‘I was told that I posted the news to “garner sympathy, attention and support”.'”
“If ever there was a time for you to need, and ask for, sympathy, attention, and support, it is when your mother dies.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss!”- BonnieaBonfire
“Sorry for your loss.”
“Usually, it’s best to let family know by phone call rather than a public and impersonal post on social media.”
“BUT if your family is low/no contact and as toxic as they sound then it is fine and you’re NTA.”
“Your news to deliver how you choose to people who don’t deserve a personal message.”-Extension_Sun_377
“NTA.”
“I think immediate family should know privately and individually, but for anyone outside immediate family, I think FB is suitable.”
“I’d hate to be the last one to be told, or having to rely on a web of people to know something.”-CarlyleRazgriz
“NTA.”
“If she had other children who found out that way, I might disagree but sometimes social media is the easiest way to get the news out and calling everyone individually is very taxing when you’re grieving.”– River_Song47
“I’m very sorry for your loss.”
“Losing your parents is one of the hardest things to happen to a person.”
“You are NTA, it was YOUR mom, not their’s.”
“If you had siblings, you may have wanted to reach out to them first, but beyond that, I think you are good in what you did.”
“Give yourself grace and time.”- UnicornFarts1111
“NTA.”
“Sorry for your loss.”
“I really don’t see the logic behind how your relative is acting.”
“Just ignore them honestly.”- WinterV6
“NTA.”
“Everyone can f*#% off and shut up about how YOU handle your mother’s death.”
‘If they don’t like oh well, they can do things how they want when it’s their turn.”
“I would probably cuss them out, block them for feeling like it’s their place to say anything to me about it.”
“You did not ask for their opinion, and you don’t need it.”- late-nineteenth
“I, like you, wouldn’t want to find out about someone’s death via social media.”
‘Still, you’re NTA, had no ill intent, and are within your rights to express yourself about YOUR MOM.”
“I’m sorry for your loss and sorry that your family members are not doing anything but reaching out to express support for you.”- catkedibilliegorbe
“NTA.”
“I don’t think your post was FOR the people who had an issue with it.”
“I can not imagine that anyone who was substantially invested in your mom’s life would have taken your post as anything other than a final update on her condition.”
“This post was no more relevant to these toxic people than any other post about the happenings in your life.”
“If you want to be the ‘bigger person’,” you could offer a brief, simple ‘I’m sorry this was a surprise to you’.”
“But I would really just ignore these A.H.s.”
“My condolences to you.”- NaturalOne1977
There were a few, however, who did feel the need to call the OP out on the fact that they admitted to not being happy learning of a relative’s death on social media, and yet had no problem posting the news of their mother’s death:
“Sorry for your loss.”
“Ultimately it’s your news to share as she’s your mother, I’m just hoping that if you have siblings they knew before the FB post?”
“Tbh I’m leaning towards a gentle YTA, because you didn’t like finding out about your aunt’s passing this way, but then went on to do the same thing.”
“Also, I think posting it on FB so soon when you hadn’t spoken to your family (not for permission but for support or to break the news) wasn’t great.”- SevereCalligrapher57
“‘Two years ago my aunt passed away, and I was the last to know – there was no consideration for me at that point. I’m struggling to understand why I was overlooked back then. I read the news on a cousin’s FB page’.”
“This pushes it into YTA territory for me.”
“Two years ago, you found out about a family member’s passing on Facebook, and you were upset to find out that way.’
“Then you did the same thing – you posted about your mom’s passing ‘soon after you got the news,’ when it is very likely there are family members who haven’t been informed.”
‘So they’re going to find out from Facebook – the exact situation you were upset about two years ago.”- Swirlyflurry
Social media is where most people learn about most things these days, be it national or personal news.
Even so, it is understandable that not everyone will be thrilled to learn of a friend or family member’s passing while scrolling Facebook or Instagram.
What we all must remember, however, is that grief has a nasty way of clouding our emotions, as well as our judgment.
Making it a bit surprising that this family member’s first reaction to the OP’s post was anger, and not sympathy, attention, or support after what they had been through.