Grief has a way of infecting all other areas of our lives while we’re still experiencing it. This is especially true if we jump into a new relationship while we’re still grieving a deceased loved one.
A guy shared in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit a little about his fiancée, who he dated for 8 months before she became pregnant with their baby. They decided to get married after she had delivered the baby.
But the guy, OP (Original Poster) “Throwaway00871613” found himself trying to figure out what to do after what happened in the delivery room.
The OP asked the sub:
“AITA for walking out of the delivery room while my fiancée was giving birth?”
During what is generally a happy time, the OP found himself unsure of what to do about his relationship.
“This happened two weeks ago, my (28[Male]) fianće (26[Female]) and I just had a baby boy and it’s been difficult already [with] her being upset with me after what happened.”
Their relationship wasn’t particularly long before becoming pregnant, but it appeared to be going in the right direction.
“I met her at a bar I used to hang out with my friends at, we dated for 8 months, and I decided to propose when she told me she was pregnant and wanted to have the baby.”
“[We] both agreed on getting married after our baby is born. [She] was introduced to my family who welcomed her and took care of her and she started spending time with them.”
Though it’s been a little hard for the OP to figure out how to navigate his fiancé’s grief.
“I learned that she was engaged to her late fiancé for 4 years but he got sick and passed away at a young age.”
“[She] told me she had recurrent dreams about him, I wasn’t upset because no one controls what they see in their dreams.”
“[But] sometimes she mumbles his name and visits his grave on his birthdays and still keeps their rings in our house.”
The day the baby was to be born, the OP realized how deeply rooted his fiancé’s grief goes.
“When she went into labor, I drove to the hospital to be with her since she expressed to me how terrified she was after talking to her group of moms who had experience with labor/birth.”
“Her labor lasted longer than expected. [Her] mom arrived when she was taken to the delivery room, [and] she was feeling so much stress and even cried, which made it more difficult. [I] tried to reassure her and told her to think about are baby and just focus on that.”
“She suddenly started screaming. [First] she yelled her deceased dad’s name, then let go of my hand and started yelling out her deceased fiancé’s name and just continued to yell that name at the top of her lungs.”
“[I] was shocked [and] I didn’t know how to act. [I] was upset. I get she was feeling stress but I don’t get why she kept calling his name.”
“[It reached] the point where the nurse wanted to ask me something and used the name my fiancé was calling out to call me, thinking It was my name. [I] was so embarrassed for having to correct her as she looked confused.”
“[I] tried to calm my fiancé down but she continued so I just walked out and told her mom to go be with her. [I] felt absolutely awful, I sat outside, I was literally shaking.”
“She gave birth and her mom walked up to me to give me the news. [I] was happy my son was finally born, [and] I went in to see them both for a short time before he was taken.”
Since they came home, they’ve been struggling in their relationship.
“My fiancé returned home and started berating me for walking out on her like that and told me that what I did was unacceptable.”
“[I told her why but she completely avoided this and tried to say That it didn’t matter and that I was being ridiculous while she was feeling pain.”
“[We] argued about it and she brought up that she called out the names of the two most important people in her life [and] then went into the bedroom, leaving me feeling awful and guilty.”
“[She] is expecting an apology and wants me to take her to stay at her mom’s for a few days since I was making her stressed out.”
Fellow Redditors wrote in anonymously, rating the OP’s and his fiancée’s actions on the following scale:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some confirmed the OP was not in the wrong for being upset over what happened.
“Wait, so her deceased fiance is more important in her life than you, her current fiance? Am I misunderstanding this?”
“NTA.” – Flux32
“She was not TA until she refused to acknowledge why he was hurt and had the audacity to demand he apologize.”
“OP is NTA.” – xenedra0
“NTA. From the title alone – I was more than ready to call you TA but after reading that, there’s no way I can think so. As others have pointed out – she literally told you that someone who is dead (her previous fiancé – not her father) is more important to her than you – her future husband, is.”
“You had to walk away and take a time out to regain your composure and unfortunately missed to birth of your child. If I were you, I would apologize for missing the birth of your child but emphasize how deeply hurt you were by her calling out so-and-so’s name and then by her follow-up comment.”
“And probably take some time before those nuptials. You have to make sure that you are first and foremost in her heart before making that lifetime commitment. Wishing you the best my friend!” – emilyac82
“I think you both owe each other an apology but here’s the real thing…”
“If I were you, I’d be having a serious conversation with her. It sounds like she’s only with you because she got pregnant. Maybe she was trying to move on when you two started dating, but if her late fiance is more important to her than you (opposed to equally as important) then if I were you I’d have to break up with her.”
“I don’t think I could be mad at her, having been through so much. It must all be confusing. I’ve never lost a fiance before. But, I feel like if I lost my love, at some point in the future if I tried moving on, the new love of my life must be somone at least par with my previous love. If she’s making you second rate to her previous love then I guess she hasn’t moved on properly. I don’t think that’s entirely on her, sometimes you think you’re ready but your psychology and emotions surprise you.”
“That being said, if I were her, I would have at least apologised for hurting your feelings. ‘I’m still mad that you left me during the worst and longest pain I have ever imagined, but I’m also sorry that I hurt your feeling by screaming his name. I don’t think I’m as over him as I though. Let’s talk…’ That’s what I wish she’d said to you.”
“And your feelings matter as much as hers so I wish you’d also apologise for leaving her side during the unimaginable pain that is childbirth. Good luck with your future. Be good to your kid, yo.” – FuzzyChrysalis
One Redditor also pointed out that the fiancée wasn’t in the wrong for grieving, either.
“What are these comments? She was in pain, screaming and delirious while giving birth. In her pain she called out the names of her dead father and her dead ex fiance. Do you all think she did it on purpose??”
“Maybe ‘most important’ isn’t the most gentle of phrasing, but she clearly called for the people who where the most impactful on her life and whose loss she is still hurt deeply from. And you all think she’s an asshole for this? For real? Disgusting, honestly.” – greenseraphima
“Postpartum depression is a thing.”
“She presumably knew her father for most of her life. She was engaged to her deceased fiance for 4 years. She’s been engaged to OP for 9 months, and that was only because she got pregnant.”
“Ya’ll are painting her as this awful malicious person when she’s clearly still grief-stricken and traumatized. Newsflash: traumatized people don’t always act in rational ways! And if childbirth triggered her enough to call out for her dead parent and someone she loved dearly, she’s clearly going through a ton of f**ked up s**t mentally!”
“I’m not saying OP shouldn’t have his feelings hurt. Both individuals need to be compassionate to one another during this time. But all of these comments calling her names, saying she’s a bad person or that the baby isn’t OP’s are flat out sickening.” – greenseraphima
Where most found fault was in what the fiancée said after the fact.
“She might have called out their names in the heat of the moment for whatever reason, but then to say afterwards that her dead fiance is more important than her current, living fiance, right to his face? At least a day after the birth was over?”
“She didn’t do that by accident.” – HyacinthFT
“I thinks she is the AH for how she acted after. He had to understand why she acted the way she did, but she can’t have any compassion for him? She was in pain having OPs and her child. Pain is scary, but she had very alive people trying to help and comfort her. She still belligerently screamed her late fiancés name without regard and has no apology.” – Areyouthready
“It sounds like she’s taking the opportunity to try and make this his fault in order to justify what she wants to feel, that he did wrong by her and has no blame.”
“I can imagine that moment giving birth and having thought she would’ve been doing this with the late fiancé she’s still very much not over would be overwhelming but no excuse to blame OP for walking out while she’s yelling for the other guy will his son is being born yikes.”
“OP is definitely NTA and I hope he sees that. But I wouldn’t rush to set a date before working through this with a newborn at home that’s going to take a lot of a time. Also hope he keeps an eye on her for postpartum depression.” – cmanderson23
All AH assessments aside, some Redditors pointed out the OP and his fiancée may not be compatible while she’s still grieving.
“I can imagine how devastating it must be to lose someone you love and with whom you expected to spend the rest of your life with, but that doesn’t give her the right to hurt you. If she is not ready to move past her previous relationship, she shouldn’t be marrying you. For a marriage to work you both need to love and be committed to each other.”
“I would advice not to marry her until she makes up her mind of whether she wants to prioritize someone else over her current fiancé or commit to loving and respecting you. I don’t think you owe her an apology, I thinks she owes you one and to stop ignoring and belittling your feelings. NTA” – coolrepeatedusername
“I absolutely do not fault her for not getting over her ex, but they should not be dating at this time for that reason. She isn’t ready to enter the dating scene. But her calling out her fiancé’s name is rightfully hurtful that towards OP” – jdwjxia
Not all relationships are meant to last, and some of the Redditors in this sub are certain this particular engagement either needs to end or slow way down.
For the sake of the OP’s feelings, his fiancée’s grieving process, and their baby, they need to be sure the time is right.