Teaching several languages to children, well anyone actually, is often looked at as a great idea.
The mind is capable of storing a ridiculous amount of information.
So why not fill it with everything?
If nothing else, being fluent in several languages can really come in handy while traveling.
But some people may disagree.
Case in point...
Redditor Lotsof_Rhubarb wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for speaking to my child in Polish even though my boyfriend asked me not to?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (21 F[emale]) have been dating my boyfriend (26 M[ale]) for three years now, and we have a son who is 13 months old."
"Not too long ago, my son said his first word, and I decided that now might be a good time for me to teach him Polish in addition to English."
"For the past few days, I have been speaking in Polish to him."
"I know he won't learn it straight away, but in a few years, he might be fluent."
"However, when my boyfriend saw me saying Polish words to him, he said that I should stop."
"I asked him why, and he said it would be unfair if we could communicate with each other in a language he couldn't understand."
"He even said Polish wasn't a useful language to learn, like Spanish or French."
"I acknowledged this, but I have continued to do it even though my boyfriend has asked me to stop."
"I feel guilty, but I do want to share my first language with my child."
"I also feel hurt that he doesn't care about my speech."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA."
"He said it would be unfair if we could communicate with each other in a language he couldn't understand."
"Then he better hurry up and learn Polish then." ~ CrystalQueen3000
"Yeah. Why would you shut your child off from so many opportunities just because you don't want to learn a language."
"(In my opinion he should have been making the effort to learn your language even before children)." ~ lcyhrty
"Honestly like if I was in a serious relationship/had a child with someone whose first language was not English."
"I would want them to at least teach me key phrases in that language because, more than likely they have family members who either don't speak English at all or feel more comfortable speaking their first language, and I would want to be able to communicate with them too!" ~ Odd_Prompt_6139
"Absolutely! My daughter has some friends who are mixed Korean and Kenyan."
"Their dad has never cared about whether or not they learn Swahili (he barely speaks it anymore himself), but they have spoken Korean with their mother since birth."
"Guess who is now happily fluent in Korean because he loves his kids?" ~ dixiequick
"My husband is English as a second language."
"We have no intention of having children (we both already have older children), and we've been married a year (in mid-Aug), and I started learning his language when we started dating."
"One reason was that I was interested in his culture - for his sake (never thought much of Dutch before I met him and never felt any desire to learn it. It's not the most beautiful language 😁)."
"But also because I am curious and nosy and wanted to have some idea of what he would talk about with others."
"By the way, this is the 4th language for me, so maybe it's just me, but yeah."
"At least some phrases or something." ~ Lurk2877
"It's my understanding that Slavic languages have at least some commonality."
"So, if you know Polish, you will be able to understand at least some Ukrainian, Slovak, Czech, etc."
"Slavic languages differentiated relatively recently, is my understanding."
"The number of people who speak Slavic languages is over 300mm, which makes it the largest language group in Europe."
"Further, if a child grows up knowing more than one language, that makes it easier to learn additional languages - the language center of the brain is more developed."
"It's not that learning Polish makes it harder to learn Spanish, Mandarin or whatever - it actually makes it easier." ~ Boeing367-80
"I bought a lifetime Rosetta Stone subscription for $149 during the Black Friday/Xmas sales last year. ALL their languages for a lifetime."
"I'm brushing up on my German (lived there briefly as a kid so have perfect pronunciation but have forgotten a lot of the vocabulary) and learning Korean because I like Kdramas and Kpop, and my significant other is learning French (I took it in school but don't like it so...)."
"I also bought a year's worth of Babbel at the same time to compare."
"Again, all languages. I haven't decided whether to renew it this year. $99."
"I got Korean flashcards to learn the letters and vocabulary, and those are great on the go."
"I'm already beginning to understand some of the Kdramas."
"It's pretty cool, and I'm 58 so this is also something proven to help your brain."
"Any parent who speaks another language should make sure their kids learn it."
"It's so easy to learn as a kid."
"You never know when it might be useful and even if not it trains their brain to learn other languages." ~ HeddaLeeming
"NTA, besides the advantage of being bilingual, research has shown that learning new languages becomes easier the more languages you know."
"Plus it would be the perfect opportunity to learn at least some basic polish for your boyfriend."
"Aren't there any Polish in-laws he needs to impress with a basic dominion of the language?"
"And finally, it sounds like you are proud of your heritage."
"You have a right to be so and should pass it on to your child." ~d3lphx
"NTA. Never deny children their heritage." ~ kokokaraib
"Agreed. I have a friend whose parents are both Romanian, but to fit in, they didn't talk Romanian to him."
"Now he barely speaks any and is crushed about it."
"When he goes back to visit family, they mock him."
"He still is easily identified as someone with foreign roots in the country he grew up in."
"He only has disadvantages from his parents' refusal."
"He tries to learn it on his own, but you can never really make up for the lost time." ~ Ask_Juju
"NTA. Your boyfriend doesn't have the right to dictate what language you speak to your child in."
"Further, it is good for children to learn multiple languages and cultures.
"Your boyfriend is being a controlling a**hole." ~ AShatteredKing
"And how dare he define which language is useful!"
"Maybe the kid wants to live in Poland someday."
"Knowing one Slavic language also makes it easier to learn other related languages, opening doors to many European countries."
"OP, your boyfriend is controlling, are there any other areas where he tries to control you?"
"Stay alert about the red flags."
"If you don't speak Polish to your kid and break up at some point, you won't be able to recover the lost time."
"Your child deserves to speak his mother tongue, it's a blessing to be bilingual, no matter what language." ~ Ask_Juju
"NTA. Your child had two parents, and learning two languages at that young age is INCREDIBLY beneficial."
"Kids learn this sh*t at lightning speed compared to adults."
"I work with a dozen folks who were born to native Spanish-speaking parents."
"They learned both languages quite easily as children."
"Your child should be exposed to both languages and cultures."
"Maybe it's time for your boyfriend to start learning Polish too." ~ Klingon80
"NTA. You need a new boyfriend."
"The language is part of your child's heritage and culture."
"Why is HIS language more important than yours?"
"Is it always like this?"
"He can't just say 'Don't teach my son polish,' and it just happens."
"Make him your ex and speak to your child in Polish in your home." ~ JackedLilJill
"NTA, please teach that baby Polish."
"My mom didn't teach me Spanish, and it's been VERY hard trying to learn as an adult."
"It's hard to even practice because native speakers don't want to struggle through talking to me... please spare your baby of that. LOL." ~ chocolatededdy
"NTA. I speak English to my kids."
"My wife speaks Swedish to them."
"We speak English as a family, but we live in Sweden, so the "environmental" language is Swedish."
"Long before they started school and long before I was fluent in Swedish, they were fluent in both languages."
"One parent, one language is the method, and it's highly encouraged in multilingual families." ~ LadyLixerwyfe
"This is what my buddy and his husband do."
"My buddy is Daddy and communicates primarily in English, and his husband is Papi and communicates primarily in Spanish."
"Their little girl is 4 now and is smart and sassy."
"She quickly figures out if you're a Spanish person or English person and addresses you accordingly."
"Kid brains are so elastic, and I really hope OP just goes on teaching her son Polish." ~ jenorama_CA
"NTA, there is no useless language."
"Even the dead ones have their uses, let alone a language spoken by a whole country."
"If he doesn't want to put in the effort to learn a new language, then that's fine."
"But he doesn't get to tell others not to learn, and if he thinks of a more useful language, he could learn it and teach it to your child as a special way of bonding." ~ Status_Welder9824
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Learning as many languages as possible is a strength in life.
If you feel like your boyfriend is hurting your feelings, it may be time for a deeper talk.
Maybe you can offer to teach him and the baby together.
That could be a nice family bonding experience.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp