Taking care of an aging family member might involve a change of habits for everyone involved. It takes a lot of intentional effort.
Redditor gehebejdk encountered this very issue with their wife. So they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
They asked:
“AITA I got mad at my wife for eating all the food I had prepared?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I and my wife have been married for 5 years. She’s 3 months pregnant.”
“My mom is a diabetic, has high blood pressure and has poor memory so she has been staying with me and my wife for the past 2 years as nursing homes are extremely expensive where I live.”
“I usually do all the cooking at home and we have one of those stovetop controllers that are password operated to ensure safety in case my mom goes into the kitchen when I’m not at home.”
“I also give my mom all her meds as she’s prone to forgetting whether she’s taken meds or not.”
“As usual, I prepared breakfast for the 3 of us, kept my mom’s meds on her bedside table and left for work.”
“I got a call around 4 hours into my shift saying my mom was in the emergency ward because she passed out from only having her meds and not her food.”
OP understandably panicked.
“I rushed to the hospital and found my wife sitting in the emergency ward.”
“When I asked her why my mom didn’t eat despite me having cooked, she said that she(my wife) had eaten all the food because she was extra hungry. On top of all this, my wife gave my mom her diabetic meds thinking that she hadn’t had them yet.”
“I tried to keep my calm but seeing my mom like that made my blood boil and I told my wife to just go home.”
“She tried talking to me but I told her to not test me and that I don’t know how much longer I’ll stay calm. I made her leave the hospital.”
“She’s been texting and calling me but I haven’t replied to her yet. My mom is conscious now but the doctor said she’s still disoriented (doesn’t remember much) due to overdose of diabetic meds.”
“She’ll have to stay at the hospital for a few more days. AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA and I would be questioning if this was the first time your wife has not fed your mother whilst you were gone. No excuses at all for her ignorance. I would be looking I to if there is any other options for a care giver when you are at work. Do you have any WFH opportunity? Or family members who will help you out?”
“If your wife is this neglectful now, what is she going to be like when there is a baby to care for too?” ~ Khali1987
“Wow. NTA. Your wife could’ve killed your mom. Had she lost her common sense? She does know overdosing medicine is unhealthy, especially in people with health issues (your mom) right?? This has gone way too far.” ~ spikeiscool2015
Many are worried about what will happen once the kid comes.
“NTA. Is she going to eat all your child’s food once the baby is born? Is she going to neglect to feed your baby? You would be horrified if your baby ended up in the hospital because your wife ate all of the child’s food! Why is it even a question of who’s the AH when she did this to your mom?”
“Based on your description, your mom is just as dependent on you for food as a child. I can’t think of a bigger red flag as you and her are about to have a new life dependent on you for basic survival needs. Even if she wasn’t actively trying to harm your mother, this is absolutely unacceptable!”
“Also, I think it’s important to recognize that you are doing a lot for your family right now by taking care of your mother and pregnant wife. I know firsthand that it isn’t easy taking care of an aging family member, and even though this scary situation has happened it sounds like you are doing great at it.”
“It sounds like money is an issue, but you deserve a hand.”
“Depending on where you live and what her insurance coverage is like, your mom probably qualifies to have a personal care assistant/home health aide come a few times a week to assist her with activities of daily living (bathing, eating, medication management, etc.). I think this would be a great time to talk to her doctor about this if you haven’t already. You deserve the help.” ~ slimeman420
“Definitely NTA. As someone who is taking care of my grandma whose almost exactly like your mom I would be furious. I would also kick them out of the house for a while, I have banned my grandma’s own sister for a couple a weeks for just saying things that makes my grandma upset.”
“You and your wife need to have a serious talk, probably with a couples therapist so there’s someone to help keep it calm and mediate it. She’s is a fully capable adult who could done so many things, made her own extra food, called you to make sure you’ve given her the pills. I mean you said she’s already been living with you guys for 2 years you have a routine that’s already been established.” ~ Cookie-Bite_loss
“I’ve had a couple kids. And her excuses seem super shady. She knows your system, so her thinking you didn’t give your mom her meds is inexcusable TBH.”
“I’m sure there was something, ANYTHING else to eat besides your moms food. My question is, what else has she been doing to your mom while you’re away? I don’t wanna be cynical or anything, but it’s highly suspicious and elderly/disability abuse is sadly extremely common. I would suggest cameras in your home. NTA” ~ Okbutlikewhythooooo
OP needs to have a conversation with their wife about priorities.