Love can be messy, and sometimes we cannot always help who we fall in love with.
But we can absolutely control how we act on those emotions, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, especially if that love interest is already scheduled to get married.
The Redditor, who has since deleted her account, had a long history of frustrating incidents with her older sister, who had shown an interest in her boyfriend and attempted to flirt with him regularly.
But when she went so far as to confess her love to the groom before his wedding day, the Original Poster (OP) decided that her sister couldn't enter this new chapter by her side, despite her family's protests.
She asked the sub:
"AITAH for not inviting my sister to my wedding?"
The OP stood firm on not inviting her older sister to her wedding.
"I (26 Female) am getting married in the summer to my partner (29 Male) of seven years."
"My sister (30 Female) isn't invited, and yes, I sound like the AH. But let me give you my reasons."
The OP's older sister had a long history of flirting with her future husband.
"My fiancé, John, was in the same year and educational major as my sister, Jane, in college. Jane had a crush on John for their first two years of college. However, after multiple rejections, she eventually started dating another guy."
"That's when I started going to that college. After a year, I began dating John after Jane assured me it was alright and I wouldn't be hurting her."
"However, throughout these seven years, my sister has continually made flirty comments toward John. At first, it was just every once in and a while, but then it progressively became more frequent."
The last straw appeared at the OP's engagement party.
"After our engagement, which was last month, my sister stopped responding to my messages and would ghost me for days before saying she was busy."
"Last night, John came to me and showed me a message Jane sent him, telling him how much she still loved him, and she lied to him, telling him that I've been cheating on him and everything and that it just made her sick to see someone she loved being used that way."
"It really hurt, and after thinking it over, I messaged her to let her know she has been uninvited to my wedding."
The family was furious about the OP's decision.
"Today, I woke up to my parents' angry messages telling me I couldn't do this, that I have to have Jane in my wedding, especially because she was supposed to be the Maid of Honor."
"I don't think that I should have her after this. However, it's obviously not the same for my parents."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to only invite people to her wedding who were eager to celebrate her love.
"Wedding invites are for people you want to celebrate your marriage with. Your sister would not be celebrating, she'd be tripping the bride up on her way down the aisle." - Beth21286
"Basic rule of a Maid of Honor: The Maid of Honor cannot be trying to take the groom from the bride." - UltimateRealist
"NTA. My mother actually dated my uncle (my aunt's husband) briefly in college."
"They weren't right for each other, but he and my aunt were. There was no drama, my mom and uncle have remained friends, and my mother hand-embroidered sweet peas on my aunt's wedding dress."
"That's how it works when it's not weird. Your sister has made it totally weird with all the flirting and now confessions of love, and she's made it downright dirty by filling his head with lies."
"She doesn't deserve to be anywhere near you, your husband-to-be, or your wedding. NTA." - Competitive_Papaya11
"Dollars to donuts, the parents will take Jane's side of things and probably blame OP for dating and getting engaged to John, despite John firmly keeping Jane in the acquaintance category."
"NTA, OP. If your parents keep it up, you don't have to invite them, either." - Suspicious_Fan_4501
"NTA! OMFG, what is WRONG with your parents?! They're literally like, 'Have the person who disrespects your relationship, lies about you, and is infatuated with the groom stand up there next to you, and have a nice day!'"
"SHE LIED ABOUT YOU CHEATING! She is not a nice person. She is trying to break the two of you up. Cut her out and keep that toxic cancer of a person out of your life."
"Trust me on this! I was engaged right out of high school to the first real love of my life... but after we got engaged, my younger sister developed a crush and hung on him constantly. Of course being a weak horny teenage boy, he did not stop her."
"Well, things happened between them... I tried to fix the situation, but the hurt never went away. She was always around. Needless to say, I broke up with him, but it forever destroyed my relationship with my sister."
"She has become even more untrustworthy and toxic as the years go on. I cut her out of my life and am a happier person for it. I hope you do the same, maybe with your parents, too." - Shieldmaiden715
Others advised the OP to fill her family in on what was going on before the drama could escalate.
"NTA: Forward the message to your parents. Explain your sister's crush back in the day, explain her flirting escalation, and what she's recently said. If they don't see the problem in that, that's a huge red flag and something you might want to consider low- or no-contact and rescinded wedding invitations over."
"Also, make sure you have some serious talks with your guy, and leave no room for her accusations. You two need to be on the same page about the status of your relationship, boundaries, etc., before anyone walks down that aisle." - That_Buy110
"Send the messages. Your sister can't be the Maid of Honor when she has no honor herself."
"Once they see the messages, if your parents somehow still think your sister should be allowed at your wedding, then perhaps they should be added to the uninvited list, as well. The sister's actions are indefensible, and to choose her side once having all the details would make them huge a**holes."
"If they continue to push, say, 'Accept that my husband-to-be and I have decided my sister isn't invited. Keep pushing, and you can stay home with her.'" - ComprehensivePut5569
"NTA. I'm so sorry; I can't imagine how hurtful that was!"
"I see two options. Option One is explaining this to your parents, including showing them the text she sent your fiancé. Either they'll get it and understand why she was uninvited, or they'll get it and you can maybe consider letting her come, but having her sit at the back and definitely NOT be in the wedding party."
"Option Two is you elope. That makes the wedding romantic and totally about you and your fiancé. You can either call off the 'big' wedding, or have it for show/for your parents, knowing the whole time you are already secretly married and your sister can't do anything about it. (But this option still has her as your Maid of Honor; maybe you can just run her off her feet on the day of the wedding, the whole while keeping her as far from your soon-to-be-husband as possible.)"
"Any way you slice it, I think your parents need to see that text she sent."
"But have you thought about after? Family events and holidays? What an awful situation your selfish, jealous sister has put you in; my sympathies. Hope your wedding is beautiful and joyful enough to make up for her dishonesty and sour grapes!" - editrixe
"Your sister needs to be held accountable for her actions in the most painful way. Have a family meeting, in person, and ask her point-blank why she sent what she sent to your boyfriend. Watch her stutter, watch her squirm, or watch her lie, and let your parents see for themselves what you're dealing with. I'd show them the screenshots ahead of time (don't give them copies; just show them), so if she tries to lie her way out, they can catch her in the act for themselves."
"Ask them to choose the side of reason. If anyone says anything about family, ask them why your sister isn't acting like family and it's somehow okay. Ask who will be held accountable should she do anything stupid at the wedding. Ask why your sister's 'mistake' is forgivable but you uninviting someone who clearly doesn't see you as family is not."
"Sometimes, we have to f**k over family. It's stupid to let sh*t like this slide."
"NTA. All the best. I'd elope and spend all that money on myself, not family, because, at this rate, they're all AHes who will attend for a free meal and then complain about it." - pseudolin
"I don't know how you can settle this because this is more than a one-day wedding problem."
"Keep your distance except for unavoidable situations, like holidays with family, but even then, I wouldn't engage with her; I wouldn't do anything more than coexist in the same room as her, and if she tried to talk to me or my husband, we'd shut it down."
"I'd also refuse to bring any drama to the rest of the family, not ask anyone to pick sides, and unfortunately, never tell them anything again that I wouldn't want my sister to know because someone would let it slide."
"For the wedding day, I'd be very selective about who I'd invite. People who support her aren't attending, and neither is she. Others, go with your gut. Good luck." - FutureWin4034
The subReddit was alarmed not only by the OP's sister's behavior but by the fact that she was getting away with it. If the family expected the OP to overlook this and maintain her sister as someone who could attend her wedding, and as Maid of Honor, there was no telling what they would expect her to tolerate from her sister and husband in the future.
It was unanimous that the OP should remove her sister from the wedding, including the guest invitation. Still, many also pondered what this meant long-term, whether the OP should stay in contact with her sister, and whether this would impact her relationships with other family members.
This was not just a wedding-day issue; it would also trickle over into holidays, gatherings, and text messages.
It might be best for the OP and her husband-to-be to set the record straight and start off on a fresh foot, starting with their guest list.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.