One of the more bittersweet elements of growing up is when the time comes where things change from your parents taking care of you, to you taking care of them.
The older our parents get, the less they are able to live independently, often requiring our help.
While we take some cold comfort in the fact that this stage in life won’t come until we are much older, some people find themselves needing to care for their parents much sooner than they expected.
The parents of nitroracertc3 fell on somewhat hard times, leading the original poster (OP) to come to their rescue. Not only did the OP get them back on their feet, but also went to great lengths to ensure that they would be looked after even should they die prematurely.
Unfortunately, the OP’s wife was not at all pleased with this arrangement, feeling she was being slighted by it.
Even going so far as to demand they change this arrangement, which the OP was unwilling to do.
Wondering if they were being unfair to their wife, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to sign my parents house, which is under my name, over to my wife if I die?”
The OP explained why they were unwilling to alter their will to appease their wife:
“So here is the backstory.”
“In 2008, my parents lost most of their money, and it got to the point they were no longer able to afford their house.”
“My dad is quite a bit older than my mom, and his biggest worry is that he is not able to leave her enough to live and pay for a home/rent without having to financially rely on me and my sister.”
“So this is the plan we came up with.”
“We found a house with a large lot that we bought under my name.”
“My parents put down a significant amount of their savings for the down payment for the property and to build a detached Accessory Dwelling Unit for them to live in.”
“I lived in the main house for a while, and my parents in the ADU.”
“The agreement was once I moved out, we would rent out the main house.”
“I would be responsible for the main house, maintenance, repairs, etc. and my parents are responsible for the ADU.”
“We would split any property taxes not covered by the rental of the other property.”
“I live in a very expensive area, so my parents will have a place to live for the rest of their lives with no stress about becoming homeless.”
“And I end up with a great investment property that I already have quite a bit of equity in.”
“I have the house in a trust.”
“In the event of my untimely death, the ownership of the house will transfer to my parents and then transfer to my partner/offspring once they pass away.”
“My wife wants me to change the trust to have the deed of the property go to her instead of my parents.”
“She says she, of course, will let them live there but wants control of the property if I die.”
“I feel really uncomfortable signing over the house my parents paid for to her.”
“Even though it’s in my name and I’m spending some money on property taxes and maintenance, I consider it their house since they have paid for everything.”
“Part of the reason I feel uncomfortable is because when we were updating our life insurance policies once we got married, she made sure I removed my parents as beneficiaries and added her on as 100% beneficiary.”
“But then refused to add me as a beneficiary to her policy and had 100% going to her sister.”
“AITA for refusing to sign the house over to her?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to sign their house over to their wife.
Everyone agreed that the motives of the OP’s wife were beyond suspicious, with many wondering if it was a good idea for the OP to even stay in this marriage:
“‘Part of the reason I feel uncomfortable is because when we were updating our life insurance policies once we got married, she made sure I removed my parents as beneficiaries and added her on as 100% beneficiary. But then refused to add me as a beneficiary to her policy and had 100% going to her sister’.”
“Yeah, that’s some red flags right there.”
“Like…that’s a big one, right there.”
“She’s covered if you die, but you aren’t if she dies?”
“NTA, and I’d consider counseling at a minimum.”- HomeworkGold1316
“NTA.”
“Your wife has not paid any money towards the house, has she?”
“Do not sign the house over to her b/c if something happens to you, who’s to say she won’t kick your parents out of the ADU.”- AmbitiousPlantain209
“Sorry, she made you remove your parents as beneficiaries but refused to add you as hers?”
“RUNNNNNNNN.”
“NTA.”- FalconAlternative282
“NTA.”
“You married her, so it sounded pretty reasonable until she made her sister the beneficiary, and you just stayed married to her.”
“Like what is even going on here what kind of marriage is this.”- BriefHorror
“NTA.”
“Do not change that trust.”
“She can, and would, sell that house out from under your parents if she came to own it.”
“The tell is that she insisted on being your 100% beneficiary but won’t let you be her 100% beneficiary.”
“In my state, you would have to be her 100% beneficiary by law.”
“Obviously, she want to have to your cake and eat hers too.”
“If you can get out of that partnership cleanly, do so.”
“She loves money, but probably not you.”
“I’m really sorry that she has put you in this position, and equally sorry that you didn’t see this side of her before marrying her.”- AdultingIsExhausting
“NTA.”
“Your wife is greedy and wants it all.”
“Put your parents back on the beneficiary list and ignore your wife.”
“She WILL kick them out if she inherits it.”- Crypticbeliever1
“NTA.”
“Update your life policy on your parents too.”
“Give off black widow vibes.”- SmoochNo
“NTA.”
“But I’d reevaluate this marriage.”
“What was her reason for not adding you to the life insurance?”- WrongCase7532
“NTA.”
“Your parents paid the down payment and the cost of building their home on the lot.”
“Why on earth would she be entitled to that?”
“Also that insurance thing is very sketchy.”
“If she’s not going to name you, you should change yours back.”- Jerseygirl2468
“NTA.”
“And fix your life insurance.”
“It should go to who you want, not to who she wants.she set that precedent herself by refusing to add you to hers.”
“Id set it up as a trust for your kids and your parents, and leave her out of it.”- justlemmeread
“NTA.”
“She is a hypocrite.”
“Protect your parents.”- fiercequality
“NTA.”
“Protect your parents.”
“It’s weird that you would marry someone you need to protect them from though.”
“What’s her reasoning for not having you as her beneficiary?”
“What’s her reasoning for transferring title over to her?”- kacee1234
“NTA.”
“But sounds like she is using you.”- lanamanson18
“NTA.”
“There’s no reason to trust that your wife would actually do the right thing here and allow your parents to remain in the house they paid for because she isn’t actually doing the right thing in regards to you.”
“It was just so important to her to become your beneficiary, but she refuses to do the same for you.”
“My point is if she won’t do it for you, her husband, don’t trust that she’ll do it for your parents.”- uwishuhad1
“I’ve seen first hand what happens when somebody says ‘of course they will let them live in the house’.”
“She won’t.”
“You’re NTA.”
“You need a divorce now because your wife is scheming.”
“My friend grew up in a house owned by his father and his father’s brothers.”
“They had a prime to each other that if one dies, they’d let the other family live there until the kids grow up.”
“Well my friend’s father died when he was an early teenager and not a month after their uncle kicked them to the curb.”
“So people are cruel.”- pickledplumber
It’s not unreasonable for someone to expect their spouse to ensure they’ll be looked after should they unexpectedly become widowed.
However, seeing as the OP’s wife already pulled a somewhat surprising bait and switch on them, it’s hard to think she’s looking out for anyone other than herself in this situation.
Or that she could be going out of her way to ensure the OP’s parents will suffer?
Either way, it’s hard to argue with those urging the OP to seriously consider if staying in this marriage is a good idea.