We can all generally agree that making your own personal announcement at someone else's party can lead to some backlash. This is doubly do when it involves someone else's wedding.
But at what point is it no longer your fault? Redditor throwaway12account1 is asking that question as she doesn't believe her sister-in-law (SIL) is justified in her anger.
The original poster (OP) wants the whole thing to be water under the bridge, but her SIL isn't having it. So OP decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) about her situation.
Her situation sounds pretty bad.
"AITA for telling my sister in law that im pregnant at her engagement party?"
But OP assures us this is not the case.
"I know this seems bad but hear me out please"
"I'm (24f[emale]) 4 months pregnant. My husband (29m[ale]) and I are very excited and we can't wait to be parents. We decided not tell people till the week after the party."
"My in-laws own a winery and it's beautiful. It's where my sil (let's call her Taylor) got engaged at and the engagement party was."
"I'm known for loving wine (I'm not an alcoholic) but I like a glass of wine while out but with a glass of water for the rest of the outing."
"So at the engagement party, I was drinking water and talking to my in laws when Taylor offer me a glass of wine. I told her that I don't feel like drinking."
"She kept offering me and I kept refusing. I made up so many excuses till she ask if I was pregnant as a joke. I nervously smile and tried to walk away."
"She screamed that I ruined her engagement party for telling her that I'm pregnant. Now my husband and I are not invited to her wedding. But am I the a**hole?"
On one hand, it's easy to get upset when someone announces their pregnancy at your engagement party. But OP didn't really mean to, and was pushed into it by her SIL, right?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for announcing her pregnancy at her SIL's engagement party after being hounded to drink by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
In the end, it comes down to intention. OP didn't intend to announce her pregnancy, and if her SIL hadn't pushed her to drink, nothing would have happened.
And it's not like she stopped the party to tell everyone. Her SIL is the one who made the suggestion and OP just didn't deny it.
The board agreed that OP was NTA.
"NTA. SIL sure is though. Anyone pressuring someone else to drink after they've refused is TA."
"Pregnancy is not the only reason someone might decline to drink at an event. There's a really common antibiotic in the US used for many things but a lot of the time for bacterial vaginosis."
"If you drink while taking it or even for several days after your last dose, it can act like a date rape drug. Would OP be obligated to tell anyone that's the reason she's not drinking if it were the case?"
"SIL created her own problem and drama. AND if she made a scene/told others, she actually stole OP's announcement, which makes her even more TA."
"OP did nothing wrong." - Imaginary-Poetry8549
"NTA. Nothing is worse than a bride that thinks the whole world should stop for her and her wedding."
"Offering you a class of wine is fine and polite, but if someone refuses why keep offering and even make the pregnancy joke? Sounds like she was intentionally wanting drama." - LadyGraySky
"NTA You delayed telling expressly not to overshadow her party. She offered a drink and you refused because you couldn't safely do so, despite her unreasonable insistence, then when she guessed the cause you quietly withdrew."
"You didn't cause a scene, hell you technically didn't even tell her. She's being a megalomaniac."
"Life lesson: if someone is refusing to talk about something, at a bear minimum ensure your in a private location before pressing them, as they usually have good cause to believe you don't want to hear it" - Free_Ad_7708
"Not only did OP delay to be kind to SIL, but then SIL repaid her by ruining her & her husband's pregnancy announcement. They are excited to be parents and because SIL had to be a pushy, boundary-stomping drama queen, OP's in-laws all know about the pregnancy prior to their announcement."
"OP, you are NTA and tbh, I'd be mad at SIL for exposing my pregnancy before I was ready to tell and for ruining the joy of telling my SO's parents they are going to be grandparents in my own special way."
"I cannot believe she had the audacity to be angry with YOU after all of this." - gaelicpasta3
"NTA she likely kept asking because she wanted you to say it. She had to notice you were drinking water and wanted you to say you were pregnant."
"When you didn't she caused a scene making it out to be you did say you were pregnant when you didn't even answer her. There would have been no making her happy."
"Didn't tell her she makes your pregnancy about her. If you had told her, she likely would have done the same and said you just got pregnant to ruin her wedding."
"There's something going on between SIL and your husband and/or you that needs resolved on her end since she's not saying what's actually bothering her." - Auntimeme
This goes beyond SIL being upset about guessing OP was pregnant. Based on how OP describes things, it sounds like SIL may have announced her pregnancy for her.
This was later confirmed in the comments.
"Nta. It's not like you said it. I can't tell you how many times I've seen posted where the op made it this massive showy way. Like bringing their own cake, standing on chairs. You just rejected a drink, she shouldn't have kept pushing. She blew it out of proportion, you kept it discreet." - Lostintheworl
"I was planning on doing a small dinner party and telling family and friends together. After the engagement excitement is over." - throwaway12account1 (OP)
"Did your SIL announce it to everyone after she found out or did she keep it to herself?" - juicydreamer
"She screamed it." - throwaway12account1 (OP)
OP has every right to be mad at her SIL for ruining her pregnancy announcement.
Regardless, there's something to be said for not pressuring people to drink, no matter the situation.
"Turn it around. Tell everybody that SIL was pressuring you to drink, DEDUCED that you were pregnant, and announced it in a horrifically negative and public way without your consent."
"Point out that SHE stole YOUR moment to announce your pregnancy in the way you wanted. Be madder at her, and if anyone gives you shit, tell them that being engaged does not make her above criticism. NTA." - AdDangerous1243
"Yes!! Flip the script!! That is exactly what happened to OP and she should share her side of the story with all mutual friends & family members." - Jenuptoolate
"Right. OP should demand an apology for having her announcement ruined!" - bojanglkeskitty
"NTA"
"But we seriously need to normalise women being able to just not drink. I'm in the 'getting children age' and always have to drink the 'prove I'm not pegnant drink'."
"I'm just a little over weight and don't like drinking. Please let me be." - CakeEatingRabbit
"I dated a guy who initially poked fun (or so I thought) at my desire not to drink. That was until it became full on shaming me in front of strangers in order to convince me to drink."
"The time I had enough was when we went out to a bar and he proceeded to berate me in front of the bartender. He told the bartender 'she always does this', then went back to me, 'God, are you boring.'"
"I just sat there silently because I was now decidedly getting out of this relationship."
"Meanwhile, I'm snapped out of this reverie when he tells the bartender, 'Just serve her something'. The bartender looked about my dad's age and he has this cold look in his eyes and tells my boyfriend, 'I don't serve to anyone who doesn't want something'."
"'Whoa, whoa, buddy, calm down. What's your problem?'."
"In the meantime, it got the attention of other patrons. Someone said, 'Dude, she DOESN'T want to drink' and I just sat there letting him get humiliated."
"We left and I got him, 'Yeah, I'm leaving' and that was that. His version of smoothing things over was telling me that if I 'drank more, I would actually have fun'."
"Clearly he didn't see me smiling and having a blast while he an absolute fool of himself and gave me a great excuse to get out of the relationship." - leftclicksq2
If she can, OP needs to talk with her SIL about the situation. SIL needs to apologize about the whole situation.
If not, there may be some bad blood going forward, but it may resolve itself in time.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.