We all have things that truly test our patience and increase our anxiety.
And sometimes, it's our own anxiety and stress that cause anxiety and stress in others.
While it seems logical to address the issue at hand, doing so can frustratingly exacerbate the situation.
Sometimes to the point of damaging relationships.
The wife of Redditor oh_wow_burner made driving a challenge for the original poster (OP).
After finally having enough on a recent drive, the OP felt they had no choice but to put their wife in her place.
As expected, doing so didn't help matters one bit.
Having some doubts about how they handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for yelling at my backseat driver wife?"
The OP explained how their wife drove them to a bit of road rage:
"My wife has an extreme phobia as the passenger of a vehicle."
"I recently raised my voice after she suddenly yelled 'Stop! Stop!' as I approached a green light."
"The light wasn't changing from/to red; it was in the middle of the green cycle."
"As usual, she assumed the cross traffic approaching their red light was going to ignore their red and plow into the intersection and kill us all."
"This happens pretty regularly at four-way stops."
"She just assumes other cars won't stop."
"She routinely drives 10-15 over but says she's nervous and wants me to slow down if I go 2 over."
"I'm following too close when I'm 10 car lengths back."
"She panickedly informs me every time she sees a brake light go on in front of me ('look out! they're braking!')."
"Sometimes her unnecessary panic can create real road dangers as she screams like we're about to be in an imminent crash and scares the shit out of me."
"She is terrified of being a passenger and spends every moment of every trip scared and visually scanning for danger while nagging me and dramatically reacting to false-alarm dangers."
"I'm a pretty safe driver and have never been in an accident."
"I don't speed excessively or drive dangerously."
"I follow the flow of traffic."
"I've had hundreds of calm discussions with her about it, asking her to chill out and stop."
"I ask if she'd rather drive, and she says no."
"This week I raised my voice and chewed into her pretty bad over her screaming stop as I drove through a green light."
"She got very defensive about me raising my voice, but I'm pretty done with this sh*t."
"Nothing is working to change her behavior."
"Am I the a**hole here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
"NTA."
"I'd be refusing to drive/put up with a passenger like this."- BasicallyNocturnal1
"NTA."
"Tell her you refuse to drive her places and she now has to do all the driving if she can’t control herself when being a passenger."- AmazonAssassin
"NTA."
"Your wife’s behaviour is dangerous."
"She is not sitting in the car until she learns how to be safe."
"There is no excuse for screaming like a banshee at a green light."
"She has been enabled for way too long."
"The bus should teach her respect and self-control."- moonyflamingo
"NTA."
"But make sure she is in therapy for it."
"You could also tell her if it continues, she is going to have to sit in the back seat."
"It is unsafe for her to be doing that."
"Ask her if she would like it if you did that to her when she drives."- Slight-Philosophy470
"I have this with my partner too."
"She had an accident long before we met."
"She holds onto the handles when someone brakes in front, covers her face, and shouts instructions at me when I am driving."
"She tells me what lane I should be in."
"Warns me about lights changing, etc and expects me to brake 20m before I need to."
"20 years without an accident here."
"In the meantime, she stops at roundabouts when they are empty and drives 20 mph slower than the speed limit on motorways."
"I try to be understanding."
"But frankly it's f*cking insulting and quite annoying."
"NTA."
"I feel your pain."- craggles82
"NTA."
"Her behavior is actively dangerous, and it sounds like she is neither recognizing that her anxiety is not healthy nor trying to do anything about it."
"If it were me, I'd refuse to drive with her as a passenger until she sorts out her anxiety."
"If you're comfortable with her driving and she is more comfortable too, it's weird that she won't take that option or other options that wouldn't end up with her actively causing the drive to be less safe."
"Feels like something else might be going on here."- elmowasablatch
"You mentioned can she drive, right?"
"Force her to drive until she can behave like a proper passenger."
"NTA."- healerdiff
"NTA."
"Driving in that situation would be my hell."
"Backseat drivers are a big pet peeve."- Krusty_Krab_P*ssy
"NTA."
"Her screaming creates actual danger, and you’ve tried calm talks a hundred times."
"She also drives 10 to 15 over, but you police your 2 over; that’s a double standard."
"She needs therapy for the phobia, and until then she can drive or stay home, because a passenger who screams at green lights is a hazard."- Rockychans
"NTA."
"Stop yelling, especially while you're driving."
"Every time she does it, pull over in a safe place and tell her you can't drive if she's going to act like that."
"It's dangerous."
"In a calm moment, not in the car, and with love, suggest she might talk to someone about her anxiety."- Curious_Eggplant6296
"NTA."
"I’d tell her she gets therapy and look into anti-anxiety meds, or she’s not in the car when you drive."
"For what it’s worth, I have anxiety, depression, and PTSD."
"I got effective EMDR therapy and I take anti-anxiety and depression meds because I want to have a good life and not make my issues a problem for others any more than I can help."- julesk
"NTA."
"Stop asking her."
"Just stop driving her anywhere."- roseifyoudidntknow
"NTA."
"There's an incredibly small chance of someone going through a red light in the middle of the cycle."
"However, if you were to instinctively brake because she's yelling 'stop', there will 100% be an accident."
"She's drastically increasing the likelihood of the very thing she's afraid of and making the road significantly more dangerous for everyone on it."- Korialite
"Ironically, she's making your car trips more dangerous with her hysterical shrieking."
"Tell her to shut up or walk the rest of the way."
"NTA."- pbblankgirl
"NTA."
"My mother is like this, I refuse to drive her anywhere."
"I will gladly be a passenger, as she is totally capable of driving."- rotund_orangutan
"NTA."
"I'm the backseat driver, and my husband has rightfully chewed on my @ss when I've acted like a fool and made his driving harder."
"It really is a distraction that endangers everyone, and most of the time, I can see that I've overreacted."- khold002
"NTA."
"My mom does this to me whenever I'm driving her somewhere."
"Every single thing you said here describes my 60 year old mother."
"She even loudly gasps at the sight of another car, making me think she seen an animal or something so I hit my brakes."
"Absolutely unhinged and extremely immature to do this to your SPOUSE after they repeatedly tell you why it's wrong."- Routine-Barnacle999
"NTA."
"I had to do this with my mother when I was learning to drive."
"My mother is a nervous wreck when it comes to being a passenger, and will panic over stupid sh*t.
"When I was in driver's ed, we were driving around the back roads where not a lot of people drive, and she was flipping out every turn."
"I finally snapped and shouted 'Mom, SHUT THE F*CK UP AND LET ME DRIVE!'"
"She went quiet for the rest of that drive, nothing bad happened on the road, and after all that she let me dad teach me to drive."-girl_supersonicboy
"NTA."
"That is so dangerous what she is doing."- BusinessForeign7052
It can't be easy for the OP to drive with their wife constantly screaming at them.
If anything, she's probably making her ride more dangerous.
Even so, this seems like a bigger problem that won't be solved by simply "putting her in her place."
Indeed, it seems like something she will likely need to discuss with a therapist.
