We've all heard stories of people cheating, almost to the point that it's not even that surprising of an offense anymore.
But whether we're surprised about it or not, most of us would want to know if we were being cheated on, so we can take proper next steps, reasoned out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor atypicalcloth had already stayed with their husband through one affair, so when another one came about, they knew it was time to go.
But when they discovered the affair partner was also married, the Original Poster (OP) decided they should let the husband know, so he could do what was best for himself, not his cheating wife.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for messaging the husband of my husband's affair partner about the affair?"
The OP researched their husband's affair partner after finding out about them.
"I found out my husband (of nearly 20 years) is cheating, for the second time. I know, I know, fool me once and all that, but needless to say, my blood will not stop boiling. We are getting divorced."
"I just had this hunch that the affair partner was also married. Something about my husband's comments about her didn't add up."
"Since he was too checked out to even bother with a burner phone, it took about five minutes with the phone bill and 10 minutes of Googling to find an email address for her husband (I'm not on Facebook, so it probably would have been faster if I were)."
The OP reached out to the husband so he could decide for himself what he wanted to do.
"I sent him an email, and within five minutes, my husband was texting me, asking what I had done. He just keeps saying I destroyed a family today."
"All I can say is I wish someone had told me the first time he cheated, so I wouldn't have hung out with the woman and been friendly. This guy is in a similar situation as he and my husband know each other."
"I actually sent the email from a burner email address and didn't out my husband (in case I was wrong somehow), but it's clear to me based on my husband's comments that his affair partner named him to her husband."
The OP considered talking to the other husband further.
"The affair partner swears she's been trying to end things with her husband, and he won't listen. Maybe that's true, but it's also possible she's totally playing my husband and hasn't said anything to hers."
"The affair partner's husband wants to talk to me, and I'll probably call him."
"But I have to know, am I the a**hole for telling my husband's affair partner's husband about the affair? Did I destroy a family? Should I have just kept my mouth shut?"
"Should I not speak to him? My boiling blood may be clouding my judgment."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that the cheating pair were looking for a way to displace the blame.
"Funny how your d**khead husband didn't give a s**t about your family."
"The only reason he's concerned about hers is because he's not gonna keep getting laid now. Or, gasp!, worse: his affair partner will want a more committed relationship out of him. What a shame!" - writing_mm_romance
"She destroyed her own family. Your garbage husband blaming you just shows how worthless he is." - Hopeful-Artichoke449
"NTA. Husband makes the active and deliberate decision to f**k another man's wife and then accuses his wife of breaking that family... as if he and his mistress weren't the ones who did that." - linerva
"Are cheaters just that stupid? I'm the one sneaking around doing shady s**t, but look what you did! A good time to pull out a mirror so they can speak to themselves." - Strict-Listen1300
"Where was OP's husband's concern for said family being destroyed when he started sleeping with his affair partner?"
"OP's husband forgot the golden rule of pointing fingers. Remember when you point your finger at someone, you have three pointing back at you." - Significant_Buy_89
"He put the BLAME on his real WIFE. What an a**hole!" - Impressive-Cake6182
Others agreed and rooted for the OP to start fresh.
"Seriously, if he won't even admit he messed up, what's OP supposed to do? Just pretend it never happened? That's not a relationship; that's emotional gaslighting."
"She'd be better off cutting ties than wasting more time on someone who refuses to own his actions." - ayush_69420
"My ex tried to blame me for us not working out. 'Well, some people just don't stay together!'"
"Actually, no, you cheated, and that's different, dude! Yeah, some people don't stay together, but some people also don't blow up their family unit."
"But also thanks for now owing me 650 in child support a month on top of all your bills. I hope the ride was worth it. My peace sure is!" - TETTS_OUT_FOR_HARAMBE
"The Golden Rule basically says do as you'd be done by, and you said you wish someone had told you back when. Therefore, you did right by the man! (I agree wholeheartedly, by the way, for the same reasons.)"
"Your soon-to-be ex-husband and his affair partner destroyed their own families. If your husband tries to blame you again, refuse to accept it by either stating plainly, 'I don't accept that; you and she are solely to blame,' or simply by laughing hysterically in his face. I recommend the latter."
"Wishing you healing, peace, and future happiness, OP. NTA." - Impossible_Balance11
"My ex-husband's friend is the one who told me. It's been almost 20 years, and I'm still grateful he stepped forward and let me know."
"You destroyed nothing; your husband and his affair partner did all the destroying. You provided truth to someone who needed it. Move on and live your life, knowing you did the right thing." - kraftypsy
"I literally did this, and I have zero regrets. The poor guy had absolutely no idea. It was nice to be able to tell him all of the stories that my husband and the affair partner had told me and my friends, and then have him match up (or not!) with what he had been told by her."
"You did not destroy a family; she did that all on her own. The only thing your silence does is cover for cheaters. Good for you."
"I have never once regretted calling her husband, or posting on affair partner's Facebook page that she was a lying home wrecking b***h and to stay the f**k away from my family." - Prestigious_Air_2493
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in a second post.
"First, thanks to all for reading my original post. I am still amazed at how many people took the time to comment. So many people made me laugh, so many shared personal stories; it was truly cathartic."
"On to the update: the day after my original email to the affair partner's husband, he and I talked on the phone. He was shocked to learn about the affair, poor guy."
"I could tell he was struggling, as he wanted to believe all the lies she had told him (and was desperate to believe they hadn't had sex, like she told him they hadn't. My husband says the same but given the fact that he's a proven liar, I didn't believe it for a second)."
"The husband said he was worried for his kids. He explained he was embarrassed as my husband and he are part of the same circle. I said I could relate to my first experience of infidelity. He was grateful to me for reaching out and thanked me."
The OP's husband tried to make it all about him.
"After that conversation, my husband texted me, upset that I had revealed his prior affair and that I only did it to hurt him (because it is, of course, all about him)."
"I explained that the conversation I had with this guy had nothing to do with him. When I mentioned the prior affair, I mentioned it in the context of a relatable life experience."
"I honestly thought it wouldn't be a secret between cheaters anyway, but I guess the AP wasn't happy to learn about it (I know, shocker, cheaters cheat. I guess she thought she was special)."
The OP was looking forward to the next phase.
"At this point, my husband was still sleeping at the house."
"I woke up the next day feeling like I couldn't breathe. It ended up being a full-blown panic attack, which only stopped after I started screaming at my husband, saying he needed to leave the house."
"He is officially not living here anymore and will be packing up the rest of his stuff during an upcoming weekend away that I have planned with friends."
"I am very sad and very angry, but I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again."
The subReddit was pleased to hear that the OP had stepped up and found a way to start the process of getting their soon-to-be ex-husband out of their life for good.
If he was willing to cheat twice, he was surely willing to do so again, or already had.
Though it was unfortunate that another person was a victim here, it was better for the OP and the other husband to know what was going on, so they could both make the best choices for themselves and have better lives than their spouses were willing to give them.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.