Most of us would like to avoid confrontations and embarrassment, especially if it's going to happen out in public.
But unnecessary money shouldn't be spent just to avoid the embarrassment, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor embarrassedb didn't seem to understand that, though, when his mother confronted a cashier about a sizeable excess charge on her receipt.
When his mother was furious with him for questioning her, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was wrong to be embarrassed by his mother's behavior.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my mom she embarrassed me by arguing with a cashier?"
The OP was out shopping with his sister and mother.
"So my mom, my sister (14 female), and I (16 male) went to the mall to watch a movie."
"After it ended, we decided to shop for a while, and they wanted to enter this women's clothing store."
"Once they had their clothes, we all went to pay."
There was a system error while the family tried to pay for their purchases.
"One of the things my sister chose was a $12 blouse."
"When the cashier scanned it, the price said $60 instead of $12, and the cashier said it was a system mistake."
"She said that she was going to scan a $6 ring twice so it can charge the right price for the blouse."
The OP's mother noticed an issue with the receipt.
"The cashier did what she said, but when my mother finished paying, she saw that she had also been charged the extra $60 because the lady forgot to remove it."
"The cashier said it was a mistake, and I was starting to get embarrassed, because my mother asked for the extra money back."
"The cashier said she couldn't do that and called the manager who said that the store had a no-return policy, so they couldn't pay back unless she created a store account and made a minimum purchase."
"Long story short, my mom kept arguing with them until they just opened the cash register and gave her back the money."
The OP confronted his mother about it with mixed results.
"When we were in the car, I told my mother that it was embarrassing and I was ashamed."
"She got mad at me and my sister is neutral about the situation."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the employee's behavior was unacceptable, not the mother's.
"YTA. It honestly sounds like they were trying to scam your mother. She was smart to fight for her money back." - lihzee
"They rang up a $6 ring twice? I know they said no returns, but if they walked out of the store, they have no proof they bought the sweater even if they create a store account. They only have proof they bought 2 rings."
"YTA. Good for your mom for pushing them until they returned the money they tried to steal from her."
"You're 16 years old. If it was so embarrassing, you could have walked out of the store for a few minutes to spare yourself." - Juniperfields81
"I've worked in retail. 'No returns' (at least in my experience) just means cashiers won't do it due to policy. It doesn't usually mean that the system can't do it."
"If a cashier makes that mistake, they can absolutely fix it and just tell their manager as a heads-up." - epk921
"This literally isn't a return, it's a void which every cash register system is able to do for exactly situations like this. The store is obviously trying to scam people who are too meek to insist on not being charged for things they didn't buy." - factsorfictions
"Red flags went up as soon as I read the ring thing. I worked behind the register at several stores and overriding a price is not that hard for most systems."
"Of course it's normal for OP's mom to want her money back. YTA, OP." - usernameandsomeno
"I worked in clothing stores and NONE of this makes sense. It sounds as if this is a shoddy staff or the employee is new and the manager's not doing a good job of training / problem-solving."
"In what universe is scanning a $6 ring twice a solution? That'll totally mess up inventory. There's no way there's not a manual price-change option, even if a manager has to sign off on it."
"Seeing as it was the cashier's error in the first place, surely the manager didn't need to suggest a whole process for returns that involved making a whole other purchase. If refunding was an option at the end, it was an option in the first place." - hbtfdrckbck
"The whole store system sounds f**ked. Like the cashier should have been able to override the price of the blouse to $12 to begin with. Scanning another item twice to get the right price is just dumb (not ragging on the cashier, might just be what she was told to do)."
"Holy h**l would I hate to do inventory in a place that scans like that. The good news is that manager is probably getting fired the next time they do the inventory." - thedoodely
Others challenged the OP to move beyond his feelings of embarrassment.
"Did she get the tax money back too??"
"OP needs to learn when someone is taking advantage of you, they want you to be too embarrassed or flustered to speak up!" - TheCookie_Momster
"Man, I just turned 17, and I'd have been fighting along with my parents for the money."
"Ain't nobody about to take our money for no reason. If it was like 1 or 2 dollars extra, it would've been like, 'Okay, maybe we can let this slide once,' but it's legit $60!"
"How do you just let that slide? It's good OP's mom fought for the money." - high-on-fantasy
"I worked briefly in retail during college. There's always the option of voiding the entire transaction if a mistake was made. They didn't leave the store yet so technically it's not a return."
"Managers have more leeway when it comes to closing a sale than they lead on. No one can convince me that the manager wasn't able to return an incorrect charge without forcing a customer to create an account to accept store credit."
"At that point I would say, fine, I'll just report credit card fraud to my bank. We'll see how fast the store can fix the problem."
"I won't call you the AH OP, but don't be a doormat in life. Your mom was right here." - LimeLemonCara
"Man, I hope OP realizes he is wrong because if not, he is on track to becoming a doormat."
"If any type of confrontation is viewed by OP as being a Karen, he will never have the courage to fight for anything for himself because he feared being viewed as a Karen." - cbvv1992
"You can't tell me that there is no policy in place to fix a mistake made by a cashier. If that was true, nobody would work there because of situations like what happened with your Mom, and they certainly would not have just handed her cash."
"That has to be accounted for. And unless they gave her the sales tax too, she still got screwed over. The sales tax here is 7¢/dollar, so they would owe her $4.20 in addition."
"Karens are rude people who fight for things they do not deserve. Your Mom may have embarrassed you, but getting what you are owed does NOT make you a Karen. It makes you a person who does not back down from conflict when you are squarely in the right."
"I bet she has used that fire to make sure people haven't shortchanged her kids either. Think about that for a minute. Go apologize and ask your Mom how to handle conflict effectively. YTA." - Good_Shop_2038
"OP in a lot of cases, fighting with a cashier and making a scene is wrong."
"In this case, the cashier screwed up and tried to steal $60 from your mom for the store. I spent 13 years as a cashier, so I know wrong... And I would have had this fight as well."
"I bet you feel like your mom was a Karen, but she wasn't in this case."
"YTA, but softly, as you probably misunderstood that your mom wasn't being the way you thought." - The1983Jedi
"YTA, I'm sure it was an uncomfortable situation to be in, but your mom is not being an a**hole for demanding money back from a company who essentially stole money from her."
"I make 16 bucks an hour, you probably don't work, but that would essentially be 4 hours of my time wasted and put into their pocket... for nothing."
"So no, your mother is NTA better to be put in an awkward spot than to be swindled, know it, and do nothing about it because 'you don't want to make a scene.'" - Subject_Material_168
While the OP was embarrassed about what happened, the subReddit insisted this interaction needed to happen for two reasons.
First, the mother deserved her money back after the store made a mistake, and the store needed to be held responsible for that, as well.
Second, it was a learning opportunity for the OP in the form of a mispriced sweater. While it might be embarrassing to have this conversation, it's important for a person to know how to stand up for themselves.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp