Our friendships end for all sorts of reasons; that's just something we all have to know and accept.
But running back into ex-friends can be really awkward.
Especially when one ex somehow gets it in their head that they should still have certain liberties a current friend would have.
One woman went through one of these awkward spells recently in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit when she ran into an ex-best friend after an extreme falling out.
The Redditor, who removed her account, shared how strange it was to run into her former friend after so long, especially for her to make the demands she did.
The Original Poster (OP) wondered, nonetheless, if she should have handled the former friendship differently.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for not telling my former best friend that I'm married?"
The OP had a big falling out with her best friend.
"Some background, me (25 [female]) and my former best friend E (25 [female]) were friends for 6 years. We met in high school and then went to college together and we were very close for that time."
"Around 3 years ago, we had a huge falling out. The details aren't important, but the falling out wasn't over anything petty."
"She deeply hurt my feelings, had been doing so for a while, and when I explained to her why I was hurt, E wasn't remorseful at all, and to this day I've never gotten an apology."
"Because of this, I told E 3 years ago that I no longer wanted to be friends. We haven't spoken since."
The OP had an awkward moment when she ran into her former friend.
"Fast forward to last Saturday. I was at the grocery store with my husband and we ran into her."
"I really didn't want to talk but I said hello and introduced her to my husband. She looked really shocked and went silent for a minute."
"She then asked me multiple times if I was being serious about being married and I said that yes, I was actually married. I told her we got married last year right before everything shut down."
"She kind of mumbled, 'congratulations,' and then we then went our separate ways."
Then the OP received a message from her ex-friend.
"Last night she sent me a very long email about how upset she was that she never knew I was married, that she wasn't invited to the wedding, that she didn't get to help me pick out a dress, etc. (We had talked about how we would be in each other's weddings and all that when we were friends.)"
"She was also offended at how I introduced her to my husband. I said, 'This is E, we went to college together.' Maybe that was rude but I didn't know what to call her and I didn't want to be like 'this is my ex-best friend', so that's what I went with."
"She said that she cried all night after she got home because she couldn't believe that I would 'be so cruel'."
"She also mentioned how p**sed she was that she had to find out over a year later."
The OP struggled to see her former friend's perspective.
"I'm trying to understand her perspective, but at the point when I got married, it had been 2 years of absolutely no contact."
"I couldn't imagine just calling her up and being like 'Hey, I know we haven't spoken in years but I'm getting married. Want to come help me plan it?'"
"Plus she knew how badly she had hurt me and has never tried to apologize or reconcile."
"I can kind of see why she's upset, we were friends for a long time, but we aren't friends now and haven't been for a while."
"I don't think I was in the wrong by not telling her, but I would love some outside opinions."
The OP also added a few clarifications to the post.
"I saw some comments asking if it was made clear to her that our friendship was over. Yes, I made it very clear 3 years ago that we were not friends anymore."
"I know people want to know what happened 3 years ago but I'm really not comfortable talking about it. It's a very long story and even though quite a bit of time has passed, it still upsets me to dwell on it. It was over something very serious."
"I think I deserved an apology but I'm never going to beg for someone to treat me the way I think I should be treated."
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some stated the OP was not obligated to her former friend in any way.
"NTA dude, why are you even entertaining this woman? She only stirs up s**t. I wouldn't even be giving her ass a second thought. Block her & move on." - _Deletion
"NTA. Given that things were left clear on OPs part and no apology [or] acknowledgment on ex-bf's (ex-best friend's) part, there was no reason for OP to notify her of upcoming marriage (or ask her to come or be involved which is what it appears ex-bf now feels hurt about)."
"Whatever the reason for you two parting ways 3 yrs ago, it seems ex-bf has mixed up feelings about it, and as someone else pointed out, this confrontation in the store made everything seem finalized for ex-bf."
"She evidently has some internal need to come to grips with reality, and she may some other issues you don't know about that she's dealing with. If OP really is over this friendship, don't respond to the email and just move on." - sailingisgreat
"And people who want back into your life without acknowledging the hurt that caused them to be kicked to the curb in the first place aren't worth it. They're just going to take advantage again. NTA indeed." - limprichard
"I'm shocked OP even said 'hello' to her at the grocery store after not being in contact for 3 years. If I was in the same situation, I won't even give a second glance, especially the friendship ended on a bad note." - AskingForGuidance_
Others suggested the ex-bestie probably missed the OP.
"I feel like former friend is in between a rock and a hard place. She misses OP and wants her back as a friend, but she also never wants to admit that she's done anything wrong and has no plans to make any amends."
"She may very well be hurt that she wasn't included in OP's special day when she always thought she would be. But hurt feelings don't erase her s**tty personality and selfishness."
"NTA. OP, you're better off." - tsh87
"She prolly (probably) regrets it big time now and knows she will never be back in good graces again. She thinks guilting her former friend is the last chance to not have to apologize." - ISpentAllMyMoneyOnPi
"The former friend only now misses OP because she saw her in a store and realizes she is doing just fine on her own. No contact in the 3 years prior, and no attempt to apologize for her wrongdoing."
"I don't know how she could even think she would STILL be included in a wedding/planning after being cut out of OP's life and being told straight-up they would no longer be friends. Was OP to just wait for this person to grow up and apologize? Seems like this former friend is deluded."
"NTA."
"OP, leave that trash on the curb where you found it." - DarkRayne7
"Hey, everyone has their 'wow, they're really not coming back' moment. This was probably it for FF (former friend)."
"Getting married and not inviting her probably solidified that yeah, OP is firmly and permanently done with her. She has not missed her. She will not be reaching out." - tsh87
A few also confirmed they wouldn't send a former friend a wedding invitation.
"Yeah like I wouldn't invite someone to my wedding if I haven't talked to them over such an extended period of time, nor would I go to a wedding under the same circumstances."
"Like 2 years is pretty long with no contact, especially if it was that bad of a falling out and the side that caused the problem in the first place didn't even try to make up for their wrong."
"Like if you don't really have a relationship with someone, why would want to invite them to one of the most intimate days of your life. Don't apologize to her OP, she just wants to stir s**t up." - Fun_Frosting_797
"H**l, if someone I parted on bad terms with and hadn't seen for two years invited me to their wedding, I would assume they were fishing for gifts and ignore it. OP would be in the doghouse with her either way." - allthecactifindahome
"She's even made YOUR wedding all about how she didn't get to do a bunch of things, and she didn't know, and she missed out - the audacity!!!!"
"NTA OP, she's toxic as f**k. You don't owe anyone information on your life. I would just delete that email and move on. She made her bed, let her lie in it." - Dark_fascination
"If she were truly sad, she would've said she was very sorry she missed out on that important part of your life, hope he's a great guy and it's a happy marriage, sorry for what happened between you, hope you both could begin rebuilding the friendship, etc."
"None of that happens, it's all about her and what she was denied. This is not someone who has learned from her mistakes." - Reasonable_Tax2446
The OP returned with an update.
"I've decided I'm NOT going to respond. I just know it would end in drama and that's the last thing I want."
It can be hard to let friendships go, as well as all that comes with a friendship, like major milestones.
But the subReddit seemed to agree the former friend lost those privileges after whatever transpired three years prior.
Hopefully, she'll be more careful to apologize when it's needed to her future friends, if she believes they're worth keeping around.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.