Our friendships end for all sorts of reasons; that’s just something we all have to know and accept.
But running back into ex-friends can be really awkward.
Especially when one ex somehow gets it in their head that they should still have certain liberties a current friend would have.
One woman went through one of these awkward spells recently in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit when she ran into an ex-best friend after an extreme falling out.
The Redditor, who removed her account, shared how strange it was to run into her former friend after so long, especially for her to make the demands she did.
The Original Poster (OP) wondered, nonetheless, if she should have handled the former friendship differently.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not telling my former best friend that I’m married?”
The OP had a big falling out with her best friend.
“Some background, me (25 [female]) and my former best friend E (25 [female]) were friends for 6 years. We met in high school and then went to college together and we were very close for that time.”
“Around 3 years ago, we had a huge falling out. The details aren’t important, but the falling out wasn’t over anything petty.”
“She deeply hurt my feelings, had been doing so for a while, and when I explained to her why I was hurt, E wasn’t remorseful at all, and to this day I’ve never gotten an apology.”
“Because of this, I told E 3 years ago that I no longer wanted to be friends. We haven’t spoken since.”
The OP had an awkward moment when she ran into her former friend.
“Fast forward to last Saturday. I was at the grocery store with my husband and we ran into her.”
“I really didn’t want to talk but I said hello and introduced her to my husband. She looked really shocked and went silent for a minute.”
“She then asked me multiple times if I was being serious about being married and I said that yes, I was actually married. I told her we got married last year right before everything shut down.”
“She kind of mumbled, ‘congratulations,’ and then we then went our separate ways.”
Then the OP received a message from her ex-friend.
“Last night she sent me a very long email about how upset she was that she never knew I was married, that she wasn’t invited to the wedding, that she didn’t get to help me pick out a dress, etc. (We had talked about how we would be in each other’s weddings and all that when we were friends.)”
“She was also offended at how I introduced her to my husband. I said, ‘This is E, we went to college together.’ Maybe that was rude but I didn’t know what to call her and I didn’t want to be like ‘this is my ex-best friend’, so that’s what I went with.”
“She said that she cried all night after she got home because she couldn’t believe that I would ‘be so cruel’.”
“She also mentioned how p**sed she was that she had to find out over a year later.”
The OP struggled to see her former friend’s perspective.
“I’m trying to understand her perspective, but at the point when I got married, it had been 2 years of absolutely no contact.”
“I couldn’t imagine just calling her up and being like ‘Hey, I know we haven’t spoken in years but I’m getting married. Want to come help me plan it?'”
“Plus she knew how badly she had hurt me and has never tried to apologize or reconcile.”
“I can kind of see why she’s upset, we were friends for a long time, but we aren’t friends now and haven’t been for a while.”
“I don’t think I was in the wrong by not telling her, but I would love some outside opinions.”
The OP also added a few clarifications to the post.
“I saw some comments asking if it was made clear to her that our friendship was over. Yes, I made it very clear 3 years ago that we were not friends anymore.”
“I know people want to know what happened 3 years ago but I’m really not comfortable talking about it. It’s a very long story and even though quite a bit of time has passed, it still upsets me to dwell on it. It was over something very serious.”
“I think I deserved an apology but I’m never going to beg for someone to treat me the way I think I should be treated.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some stated the OP was not obligated to her former friend in any way.
“NTA dude, why are you even entertaining this woman? She only stirs up s**t. I wouldn’t even be giving her ass a second thought. Block her & move on.” – _Deletion
“NTA. Given that things were left clear on OPs part and no apology [or] acknowledgment on ex-bf’s (ex-best friend’s) part, there was no reason for OP to notify her of upcoming marriage (or ask her to come or be involved which is what it appears ex-bf now feels hurt about).”
“Whatever the reason for you two parting ways 3 yrs ago, it seems ex-bf has mixed up feelings about it, and as someone else pointed out, this confrontation in the store made everything seem finalized for ex-bf.”
“She evidently has some internal need to come to grips with reality, and she may some other issues you don’t know about that she’s dealing with. If OP really is over this friendship, don’t respond to the email and just move on.” – sailingisgreat
“And people who want back into your life without acknowledging the hurt that caused them to be kicked to the curb in the first place aren’t worth it. They’re just going to take advantage again. NTA indeed.” – limprichard
“I’m shocked OP even said ‘hello’ to her at the grocery store after not being in contact for 3 years. If I was in the same situation, I won’t even give a second glance, especially the friendship ended on a bad note.” – AskingForGuidance_
Others suggested the ex-bestie probably missed the OP.
“I feel like former friend is in between a rock and a hard place. She misses OP and wants her back as a friend, but she also never wants to admit that she’s done anything wrong and has no plans to make any amends.”
“She may very well be hurt that she wasn’t included in OP’s special day when she always thought she would be. But hurt feelings don’t erase her s**tty personality and selfishness.”
“NTA. OP, you’re better off.” – tsh87
“She prolly (probably) regrets it big time now and knows she will never be back in good graces again. She thinks guilting her former friend is the last chance to not have to apologize.” – ISpentAllMyMoneyOnPi
“The former friend only now misses OP because she saw her in a store and realizes she is doing just fine on her own. No contact in the 3 years prior, and no attempt to apologize for her wrongdoing.”
“I don’t know how she could even think she would STILL be included in a wedding/planning after being cut out of OP’s life and being told straight-up they would no longer be friends. Was OP to just wait for this person to grow up and apologize? Seems like this former friend is deluded.”
“NTA.”
“OP, leave that trash on the curb where you found it.” – DarkRayne7
“Hey, everyone has their ‘wow, they’re really not coming back’ moment. This was probably it for FF (former friend).”
“Getting married and not inviting her probably solidified that yeah, OP is firmly and permanently done with her. She has not missed her. She will not be reaching out.” – tsh87
A few also confirmed they wouldn’t send a former friend a wedding invitation.
“Yeah like I wouldn’t invite someone to my wedding if I haven’t talked to them over such an extended period of time, nor would I go to a wedding under the same circumstances.”
“Like 2 years is pretty long with no contact, especially if it was that bad of a falling out and the side that caused the problem in the first place didn’t even try to make up for their wrong.”
“Like if you don’t really have a relationship with someone, why would want to invite them to one of the most intimate days of your life. Don’t apologize to her OP, she just wants to stir s**t up.” – Fun_Frosting_797
“H**l, if someone I parted on bad terms with and hadn’t seen for two years invited me to their wedding, I would assume they were fishing for gifts and ignore it. OP would be in the doghouse with her either way.” – allthecactifindahome
“She’s even made YOUR wedding all about how she didn’t get to do a bunch of things, and she didn’t know, and she missed out – the audacity!!!!”
“NTA OP, she’s toxic as f**k. You don’t owe anyone information on your life. I would just delete that email and move on. She made her bed, let her lie in it.” – Dark_fascination
“If she were truly sad, she would’ve said she was very sorry she missed out on that important part of your life, hope he’s a great guy and it’s a happy marriage, sorry for what happened between you, hope you both could begin rebuilding the friendship, etc.”
“None of that happens, it’s all about her and what she was denied. This is not someone who has learned from her mistakes.” – Reasonable_Tax2446
The OP returned with an update.
“I’ve decided I’m NOT going to respond. I just know it would end in drama and that’s the last thing I want.”
It can be hard to let friendships go, as well as all that comes with a friendship, like major milestones.
But the subReddit seemed to agree the former friend lost those privileges after whatever transpired three years prior.
Hopefully, she’ll be more careful to apologize when it’s needed to her future friends, if she believes they’re worth keeping around.