What happens after infidelity isn’t the same for every couple. Some people stay together while others shatter apart.
But when the marriage that was broken involves children, the parents are usually in each others’ lives for life.
A woman navigating life after divorce with her cheating spouse turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after an incident with their child.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Yazzimonnnon asked:
“AITAH for not picking up my ex’s daughter from school when I picked up our son?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Ex cheated on me when I was pregnant with our son (age 8), and because of this, he has a daughter (age 8) with his affair partner, now wife. We are not on good terms, and I do not have a relationship with my ex’s daughter.”
“I have never spoken a word to her or spent any significant time in her presence. Ex and I split custody (50-50) of our son.”
“Two weeks ago, I got a call from the school during his custody time, stating nobody had picked our son up from school and asking if I would. When I got to the school, my ex’s daughter was also there and the teacher was with her.”
“She told me I was on the approved list for pickup for ex’s daughter, and would I take both kids. I said no, and I told her I did not want to be on the list as I would never pick the other child up from school.”
“She told me she would pass the word along, and it would be taken care of, and I had to call to follow up on this. My ex never told me he or his wife added me to the authorized pickup list for his daughter.”
“When he realized I had not picked up his daughter with our son, he was furious. He asked me how I could leave her behind when I would have our son unplanned anyway.”
“I told him via our court-monitored parenting app that I picked up our son as I would always do if needed, but his daughter is not my child, and I will not be their emergency school pickup.”
“According to him, my ex’s daughter was there until seven because I refused to pick her up with our son. She’s a child, and I understand that’s not ideal.”
“I don’t feel bad per se, but I wonder if I would be considered an a**hole for being unwilling to do it this once? This is not something I want to be a regular thing, and it’s the first time it has ever happened.”
“Normally, his wife picks them both up during his custody time. She was out of town and got delayed in traffic on the way back, and didn’t make it back for several more hours. He was at work.”
“Neither answered the school’s calls.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“The school was calling my ex and his wife. Neither answered. So I was called next, but only told about my son. They asked about the girl when I got there.”
“My son wasn’t upset. It was normal to him that I would pick him up. I have never picked her up or taken her anywhere. We don’t have a relationship at all, so it’s normal for him.”
“I was blown away when the teacher told me I was on the pickup list. Why me? And did they seriously want their daughter left in my care or think I’d want her in my care?”
“It’s the way neither of them answered calls from the school, either. That’s why I was contacted to begin with.”
“It’s all documented anyway, but I’m hoping they don’t try to add me back onto her pickup list.”
“If I did it once, they would expect it again. And they’d expect me to babysit then or expect me to host sibling play dates or some sh*t so they ‘don’t go a week between seeing each other’.”
“My child was going to my home, his home, until someone picked him up. My ex’s daughter has never been to my house and I did not want her in my house either because of the liability if anything happened to her, but there would be nowhere else to take her if I had agreed to pick her up that day.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong not to take a child she doesn’t know and who has never met her (NTA).
“Sounds like it was premeditated on their part if you ask me. Wanted to sneak you into the role of backup babysitter.” ~ LeastInstruction2508
“Ex was ‘working’, affair partner/current wife was ‘stuck in traffic’. Both didn’t pick up their phones and both are known cheaters.”
“Do the math.” ~ agnesperditanitt
“Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.”
“But chin up—when he’s 18, you really can cut contact with him. My daughter’s almost 20, & I haven’t spoken to her father in about 3 years, & she hasn’t spoken to her father in almost 2 years. One day at a time, you’ll make it.” ~ Acrobatic-Ad-3335
“Something is really off here.”
“Neither one could pick up their phone? Both were stuck somewhere (work and traffic), and just coincidentally, you were already an approved pickup person?”
“Honestly, this sounds almost planned. I have absolutely no idea what they’re up to, but it really seems like they had somewhere to be, and planned amongst themselves that you would take both kids.”
“Maybe some sort of boundary testing? Figured if you did it once, it could become a regular thing.”
“I have no clue. But good on you for not falling for it…whatever ‘it’ is.” ~ dividedsky58
“Many families are blended, and the kids have a sibling relationship with their step/half siblings. And many times the parents all coparent village style.”
“So schools don’t really understand/know the dynamics of each individual family and most likely assumed since OP was on the pick up list that this was a blended cohesive coparenting situation when it is in fact, not anything of the sort.”
“OP is a stranger to this girl. They have never spoken.”
“I also would be very leery of picking up a child that I literally don’t know and taking on that kind of liability/responsibility. Especially having no communication from her parents, so there is uncertainty as to whether or not they would even be able to come and retrieve her if there had been some sort of major emergency.”
“The school would be the best place for the girl to remain, as they most likely have information for other relatives on the girl’s mother’s side, who would be more appropriate to come and help if there was, in fact, something terribly wrong with mom and dad.” ~ Tattletale-1313
“NTA. As an attorney, you could have gotten in serious trouble if you’d picked up their child from school without either parent having spoken directly to you to authorize you to do so.”
“The fact that they put you on the authorized pick-up list is irrelevant; that simply absolves the school of liability if they release the child to you.”
“It does not obviate the need to have the parents’ verbal or written consent to remove the child from the school premises.” ~ JTBlakeinNYC
“What was ex’s plan if you weren’t available? It was his custody time!”
“You could have been skydiving, or taming wild horses, or up to your neck in a mudbath at some luxury spa, or having a clandestine meeting with your lover who likes a bit of roleplaying…”
“All of which you are allowed to do, btw, in the time when your ex is supposed to be a responsible parent for your child.” ~ Incogneatovert
“What if the child’s mom decided to report OP for kidnapping?”
“Just in case the child’s dad was OK with her collecting their child, it doesn’t mean that his wife would be.” ~ lejosdecasa
“NTA, you didn’t leave the child alone on the side of the road or in a dangerous situation, if you did, then you would have been in the wrong.”
“But she was at school with trusted adults that she knows and you are not any more responsible for her than you would be any other child left at the school.” ~ pl0ur
“So he knew he was going to be unable to pick up his kids, and didn’t make any kind of arrangements? Or bother to call the school? Or message you? I call BS (on him, not on you OP!). He was out doing something shady.” ~ Wikked_Kitty
“The same entitled behavior that led to the child being conceived is what is on display here. He has a lot of nerve and I’m glad OP put her foot down. Who cares if he’s mad.”
“He’s the one obligated to pick up OP’s kid during his custody time or during an emergency. She’s not obligated to pick up his daughter at any time for any reason—or, did he forget that this isn’t exactly a reciprocal arrangement?” ~ NeatNefariousness1
“They have a hell of a lot of nerve adding you as a pick up without asking you first. That’s their fault. The child is not your responsibility and you could be blamed if the child got hurt or in an accident.” ~ mcmurrml
“Our town often has issues with traffic between downtown, where everyone works, and the part of town where people live and the daycare is located. So we made reciprocal arrangements with two other families that we would take each other’s kids if one of us got stuck.”
“We’d phone each other and arrange for the first one there to grab all the kids, and confirm who had them by follow-up call. That little improvised safety network worked like a charm; the kids loved getting some extra friend time, the daycare staff got to go home on time, and no parent ever had to pay late fees. This isn’t hard. NTA.” ~ marvel_nut
It seems like this was a boundary that needed to be established.
OP doesn’t know her ex-husband’s child, and the child doesn’t know her. Literal strangers wouldn’t be forced together for non-emergencies—especially when there are better options available.