Everyone has a different way of showing love, but most people can appreciate when their loved ones want to know that they made it home safely.
But every once in a while, someone will think that their loved one is being controlling, trying to pinpoint where they are, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Feeling_Nobody_2349 loved his wife, who had to frequently travel for work, and he wanted to know that she arrived safely and when she’d be on the way home, so he knew she was okay.
When she began to accuse him of being overbearing and controlling, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked and hurt that his wife had misconstrued his concerns by such a degree.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for being upset that my wife thinks I’m being controlling?”
The OP’s wife frequently traveled for work.
“My wife (33 Female) and I (34 Male) had a disagreement over the weekend, and she told me to post it to Reddit.”
‘My wife likes to travel, and she works out of town a lot. During these times, I stay home and look after the kids and the house.”
The OP wanted to know that she arrived safely when she traveled.
“I asked her if she could do a better job of communicating her plans, such as texting me when she arrives at her destination safely, and when she is leaving to head home.”
“She told me wanting to know where she was is a red flag and controlling.”
“I do not track her movements with apps or anything. I strictly would like a ‘I have arrived safely’ text message or a ‘I am leaving X and headed home’ text message.”
The OP’s wife deflected all of his concerns.
“The argument started when I mentioned that last time she was out of town, eight hours away, and she left to drive back and did not message me.”
“She showed up at 2:00 AM and woke me up by knocking on the bedroom window, since the doors were locked.”
“I asked her why she didn’t send a text at supper time, saying she was coming home, and she said it wouldn’t matter as I would have been in bed anyway.”
“I understand that, but I feel that it is a courtesy to let your spouse know these things.”
“So, Reddit, AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was better to play it safe and communicate.
“OP, please tell her this: what if something happens to her while traveling and she needs your help?”
“My wife died while traveling for work. We communicated frequently when apart, so when I didn’t hear from her for a while and then she wasn’t responding to my increasingly worried messages, I knew something was wrong.”
“In my case, there was nothing that could be done, but what if she gets in an accident and is hurt or stranded? What if she falls extremely ill or injures herself alone in a hotel room and nobody checks in on her until it’s too late?”
“At the rate it sounds like she communicates with you, you wouldn’t notice anything was wrong until she just failed to show up when she was due home. Having basic information/updates about where your partner (and your children’s mother) is supposed to be will tip you off more quickly if something is wrong and she needs your help.”
“You’re not being controlling, you’re being caring in a way that can keep your wife and your children’s mom safe.” – tall_pale_and_meh
“It’s not controlling to request bare minimum communication. NTA!” – Full_Pace7666
“You are not controlling. She is inconsiderate. See the difference? NTA.” – No_Wear_2586
“NTA. Plus, they have kids! Holy h**l. What an inconsiderate partner OP has.”
“She won’t even let him know her most basic itinerary when out of town, hours from home, while he’s home alone with kids.”
“I cannot stress enough that this is 100% unacceptable. What is she hiding? Does she even like OP, the kids? Is she pretending she’s single on the road?”
“On top of trying to gaslight you?”
“OP, take a long, hard look at the type of person your wife is.”
“Wife, do better. On every single level. Your comments were totally unacceptable.” – fatapolloissexy
“She obviously doesn’t give a f**k. I guess she thinks it’s controlling that daddy would like to have an answer when the kids ask, ‘When will mommy be home?'”
“Let alone the kids will pick up the vibe and be anxious and uncertain about when mommy will be home.”
“My ex did this, and at 15, one of the kids almost had a breakdown because he would worry every time she left because he had no idea when she would be home (which grew into a worry of if she would EVER be home).”
“What a selfish and p**s-poor human being she is. Sorry OP, something is up, and it ain’t good.” – No-Salary-4786
Others were concerned by how the OP’s wife was interpreting his requests.
“NTA. Especially with kids in the picture. Any time I leave the house, my husband wants to know these things, too.”
“It’s like he cares about me, his wife and the mother of his kid and my well-being or something. It’s weird (sarcastic comment).”
“Seriously. All you’re wanting to know is basic info. NTA.”
“Edited to add: I love that SHE wanted YOU to post it to Reddit, undoubtedly expecting everyone to tell you you’re totally controlling.” – nsecure6
“NTA. But her reaction is a major red flag. My ex-wife didn’t want to do the same very basic things. Now I know why. I think that you can guess it, too.” – Weareallme
“Her reaction and dismissive attitude both suggest that she might be cheating. My dad pulled s**t like that with my mom and would pick fights. All the while, he was being a s**thead cheater, and his mistress would call the house. It was a s**t time to be the oldest, but I digress.”
“You’re not being unreasonable, OP, but your wife sure is. I hope you show her these comments, but prepare for her to try to DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) you into believing that you’re in the wrong.” – dazednconfusedxo
“Her calling him controlling was a deflection from actually talking about why she just didn’t do it, where she was, what she was doing, etc.”
“Textbook example of guilty defensiveness. She is up to something, or she has active contempt for him.” – Grimwohl
“As much as I like posts like this that assist a couple’s conversation, I’m worried how the OP’s wife will use this one. I think she will pick apart his post and find a way to dodge accountability.”
“The placement and sequence of the words will be all wrong, they won’t be what she said at all, and he deliberately misunderstood her. And that comma and full stop completely changed the meaning.”
“Even with my friends who live a few blocks away, we text when we are on the way and text when we get home.”
“Why is she gaslighting him into believing that his normal, simple request is wrong and unreasonable, and worst of all, controlling?”
“It’s almost as if she wants him to be shamed by the ‘controlling’ and red flags label so he’ll back off, shut up, stay being a good little dad and husband, and she’ll do as she pleases. Now she has all of us wondering what the h**l she’s up to and what she is hiding?” – cakivalue
After receiving feedback, the OP shared his first update.
“I did not expect this to get this big this quickly. Thank you all for the comments and upvotes.”
“One of the frequent questions was about the key. We live in an area where we only lock the door when we go to bed. We very rarely take keys with us since the deadbolt has a keypad.”
“The batteries had died, and generally, if I know she will be home, I leave the door unlocked.”
“I will update again once I get a chance to show her the post.”
The OP then updated the post a second time with his wife’s reaction.
“I showed her the post and the responses. I asked her if how I typed the story was reasonable and fair.”
“She agreed it was, she has said that she will try to communicate better, as it is clearly not egregious what I am asking.”
“I don’t suspect she is hiding anything or projecting, nor did I press her about that.”
“Thank you, everyone, for the comments, advice, and validation. We are going to move forward in a positive way, and she is going to make a better effort to communicate.”
“Hopefully, there will be no update three!”
Others felt validated on the OP’s behalf that his wife’s eyes were opened.
“Bet she is regretting asking you to put it on Reddit now, ey? NTA.” – xPizzatastic
“We’re all out here, thinking, ‘It’s normal and common courtesy, what is she hiding?'”
“I visit friends around the country, and they visit me. We all send a ‘got home safe’ texts to each other and to our partners.” – Adelucas
“I check in with just friends AND when my fiance and I didn’t live together! I worked late out of town a lot as well, and even knowing she’d be asleep when I sent the message, I STILL would text multiple times of, ‘leaving work now, hope you’re sleeping well;’ ‘made it home safe, love you,’ etc…”
“She never asked me to. Just expressed how much it meant that I was not only thinking of her but that she was reassured when she woke up that I was home sleeping and not dead in a ditch somewhere…”
“I can’t imagine being MARRIED with kids and not doing such a simple thing?” – AlwaysGypsy
“What is her PROBLEM? Like, holy s**t, I did it with my partner when I was out for just grocery shopping. Like, ‘Heya, I just finished getting stuff and am about to head home. Last call for anything else before I leave the parking lot? See you soon, love you.'”
“Especially, when I’m out with our little one. I let my partner know that I got to our destination safely, and when we were heading home, even if it’s a short drive.” – nerdthatlift
“NTA. It costs her nothing to pick up her phone and text you in a few seconds to say she arrived safely or is on her way home. It’s not controlling; it’s a gesture that will give you peace of mind that she is safe and sound.” – Cletinem
The subReddit was alarmed by how poorly the OP’s wife took his request to remain communicative about where she was, simply so that he knew that his wife and the mother of his children was safe.
Hopefully, seeing the subReddit’s conversation would be eye-opening for her and would help her to understand that her husband was not trying to pinpoint where she was and what she was doing, but rather to check in to make sure she was fine.