Splitting assets after a divorce can be amicable or contentious.
If there's animosity, having assets requiring a sale dangling over the exes' heads can cause years of tension after the divorce is finalized.
A former spouse dealing with their ex's demands turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Hideious asked:
"AITA for refusing to sell my house to a landlord?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I bought a fixer-upper in my 20s with my now ex. I bought him out, but agreed to give him back his portion of the deposit he paid upon sale whenever that may be."
"We remained friends as we've known each other since childhood. Regardless of that, I still plan to stick to my work 8 years later."
"I told him I was in the process of selling the house, he asked me if I had any offers, and I told him yeah, but from a few landlords."
"I didn't think that needed further explanation because he knows full well how I feel about landlords buying up starter homes in lower-income areas, and how strongly I felt about turning this house into a home for myself and the next occupants."
"He's absolutely furious at me for not going for a quick sale because he wants his measly £5k back now. I told him no way, and tried to remind him of all the offers we made on starter homes that just got swept up by landlords."
"It was devastating, and we almost lost all hope of getting on the property ladder. None of them wanted this one because it needed so much work."
"He's blowing my phone up, and told my parent,s who are more gently telling me to just go for the easy sale, but I'm in no rush to move and want all my hard work to go to a family instead of someone's business."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"Giving him the £5K specifically from the sale has been discussed over messages many times in the past. If I just give him £5k now, he could still say I owe him from the sale of the house."
"Getting him out was a nightmare, as he can be pretty nasty. Most of the time he's fine, but he suddenly switches and 'goes to war' with people."
"Technically, I don't owe him any cash at all. I paid him for all the equity he had in this house. I stupidly agreed to it honestly just to convince him to leave."
"He has on-and-off gambling and drug issues, so, based on his current attitude, one of those things is taking the lead."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I'm refusing to sell my house to a landlord so my ex won't get his money back as fast."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Sorry, he isn't your friend, and he doesn't respect you or even seem to care about you."
"Grey rock and distance yourself. Every bit of cooperation you give is a lever he uses to treat you badly and disrespect you."
"You keep looking for the magic words or magic approach that will make him behave decently. There is no magic anything, because he doesn't want to be decent."
"Expect the worst. Prepare for it." ~ sezit
"We live in a 'starter home' neighborhood and had some really great neighbors for a while. Owner-occupied, did the landscaping, met all the neighbors. They had the chance to buy a bigger house near their parents, so they put the one by us on the market."
"They had a buyer in about a week, someone who wrote them a nice letter about their young family, about how excited they were to finally own their own home and be near an elementary school for their kids...."
"A month later, people are moving in. 'Congratulations on buying your first home!' I say as I walk across the lawn to meet them."
"'Oh, we're just renting,' they say."
"The letter was a LIE from the landlord who knows people don't want them buying up everything." ~ quietlysitting
"NTA. You agreed to pay him £5k when you sell the house. When, or how that happens, isn't part of the agreement, and this he has no say over it."
"For your own sanity, I would recommend not involving your ex in the process at all until you close on a sale and need to give him the £5k. No updates on offers, showings, interest, etc..."
"The house is yours, not his or your parents. You do what you want." ~ RIPRIF20
"My question is, why in the world are you telling him anything at all when he is an ex who is known for going to war with people, and you 'technically' don't owe him money? He should be on a strict information diet, and now you know why." ~ pay_student_loan
"NTA. You don't owe a landlord a sale, and you don't owe your ex instant cash. You're selling responsibly and sticking to your values, nothing wrong with that." ~ This-Firefighter8673
Several Redditors offered the OP sound advice on extricating themself from their ex now.
"Get something in writing from an attorney that he gives up any claim on the house in exchange for the 5k. Give the money, be done with him, sell to whomever you want." ~ jimfish98
"Invest a few hundred in lawyer's fees and get a formal agreement drafted that this is the 5K he is entitled to, paid in advance of the sale of the house rather than after."
"It's not complicated. You say he can be nasty, but he wants a quick sale so he can get his money, so he has every incentive to agree to this because he gets his money now." ~ Alien-lifeform666
Although some questioned whether a lawyer was even necessary.
"Honestly, while I'm sure a signed document saying it's paid in full would make you feel better, I don't see how a Venmo or PayPal with the note 'reimbursement for 5k deposit on house' wouldn't be legally enough to fulfill your promise."
"If he kept bugging you for money after that, I'd just block him. Like, you don't need a lawyer to pay someone back. Money is fungible. It doesn't matter where the money comes from; he's paid back, and he can leave you alone."
"I think he's warped your sense of normalcy and made you think that if he asks for something, you're obligated to do it. In no world are you going to give him 5k and then he's going to be legally entitled to an extra 5k even if you don't go to a lawyer."
"There's no way you would be forced to give him 10k total. If someone is manipulating and guilting you you don't give them money, you block them and call the police for harassment if they keep contacting you." ~ VastEqual1367
"Type up an agreement stating 'I, (your legal name), am paying Jacka** (his legal name) the sum of £5,000, which was provided by Jacka** for a down payment on the property at X (full address). The payment is to repay Jacka** for the portion of the down payment he provided and to buy out any legal interest Jacka** has in said property. The payment is being made via a personal bank check #X from X (name, address, and phone # of your bank) from the personal account of X (your legal name) and made out to Jacka**. Once this check is handed to Jacka**, Jacka** has no interest legal or otherwise in the listed property'."
"Make four lines underneath the statement, two on each side. Type your legal name, Jacka**'s legal name, and then do 2 witnesses. I would recommend one of your friends and one of his, and do the same with their names, but also list their address and phone #."
"Then look up the signature page for notaries in your county and type that out. All 4 of you go to a notary and have it notarized. DO NOT have anyone sign the document until you are in front of the notary and then have the notary make Jacka** a copy."
"It will also be recorded in the notary's journal that the 2 of you came in to have a document notarized, which would be even more evidence, along with your personal check and the witnesses that you paid him and what the payment was for."
"Obviously, hand him the check there at the notary's office. Most banks have notaries on staff, and if you do not have an account with the bank, it only costs a few dollars to get documents notarized."
"I'm not a lawyer by the way, just sold quite a bit of joint property and always did it this way and never had any issues, and I have been involved with some real vindictive morons. Good luck." ~ Beautiful_Sweet_8686
The OP has been presented with several paths forward.
Hopefully, one works out for them.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.