A stepparent's role is determined by how and when they entered a child's life. The later they arrive, the less likely they are to be viewed as a parental figure.
A bride-to-be dealing with her sister's perception of their father and stepfather turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her sister took exception to their stepfather's role in the upcoming wedding.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Heighsley asked:
"AITAH for warning my sister I would leave her off the wedding guest list if she doesn't stop pushing me to ask mom's husband to walk me down the aisle?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister (22, female) and I (29, female) share the same biological parents. I was 9 and she was 2 when our dad died."
"I was 11 and she was 4 when our mom remarried. For lots of reasons we don't have the same relationship with mom's second husband."
"He tried to bond with me, but in a way where everything was forced and it was shoved down my throat that he was my dad. Right now I don't have a relationship with them."
"To my sister he's dad, he's the best guy in the world, and she will scream from the rooftops to defend him. A few years ago, she went no contact with our real dad's parents and siblings because she took offense to them calling us his little girls in a card they left on his grave."
"She told them she was our stepfather's little girl. She actually said we both were. And that dad didn't raise us like he did."
"This was the first time we ever had a real fight between us, though we had bickered and disagreed on this topic before, because I told her he was not and would never be my dad."
"She accused our grandparents, aunts and uncles of disrespecting our stepfather and of turning me against my family and she told them she hoped they'd join dad like they wanted to so bad since they wouldn't come to terms with who our real dad is now."
"The fight between us continued beyond my sister cutting dad's family out of her life. She told me she had no idea I would be so set in my ways still and that she thought I'd have seen things clearer being older."
"I told her it's because I'm older that I don't see it the same. I told her nobody replaced my dad. She told me it wasn't normal to have someone else raise you and to feel like they weren't your real parent."
"I reminded her I was 11 when he married mom, so he didn't even raise me as long as dad did."
"Then she said I had known him longer though and parenting doesn't end at 18. I pointed out I no longer lived with them at 18 and I never went to him for parenting or for support."
She argued he loved me as much as her and he didn't deserve to be the guy mom married. This fight lasted close to 5 weeks and I had to take some time from her before it turned into something physical. She got so worked up I expected it to become that."
"We did make up, kinda, but were still very much not on the same page about mom's husband. We also had a smaller fight over this topic around Father's Day because it was the 20th one without dad and she didn't like my post to dad and felt it invalidated mom's husband."
"And maybe it did in her eyes because he became our dad when he married mom, to her. But the reality is he only became her dad and never mine."
"And I'm not even close to him, or to mom anymore, because they could never wrap their heads around me not accepting him as my dad or my parent."
"Now the fight has turned to my wedding and the fact mom's second husband will not be father of the bride, will not walk me down the aisle, get a dance, or have a standout place at the wedding. He's mom's plus one and that's it for me."
"He'll be acknowledged in a toast with her, but that's it. My sister doesn't like it, and has made it her mission to force my hand into asking him."
"She even went behind my back and told him I was going to ask and had finally come around and started a whole sh*tshow between me and mom over it. Mom's husband was too busy sulking over not being asked to fight it out with me."
"And that's a whole other thing. I won't get into it here."
"I confronted my sister over what she did. She said she was trying to get me to do the right thing. We argued and it turned into another fight."
"This is when I told her I would leave her off the guest list if she doesn't stop pushing. My sister told me I have always hated her for loving mom's husband, for not wanting dad to be her dad, but to have him as her dad because he's alive."
"She told me she never understood picking some dead guy over someone still alive who wanted to be our dad. She said I ruined our family."
"I told her I couldn't take my love away from dad and give it to somebody else and I couldn't love somebody who tried to make me love them and tried to take a spot claimed by another."
"My sister got incredibly frustrated and started cussing me out. But then she told me I was being an a** and threatening to keep her away from my wedding was to punish her when she didn't deserve it and that I was asking for too much."
"I told her I was serious, and I walked away from the fight, and I have refused to engage since."
"She has tried. She has told me I can't keep her away from my wedding, I'm not being fair, and she loves me and doesn't want to miss her only sister getting married."
"But I'm seriously thinking I might need to keep her away."
"AITAH?"
The OP added a few more details.
"When I talked about what my mom's husband would not be doing at my wedding, I should have said that was the plan before things kicked off."
"Now neither mom nor her husband is invited because of the argument that happened after my sister lied."
"The last time I spoke to my mom was the fight over my sister's lie. I took them off the wedding guest list after it, too, because I realized the relationship with mom was over and would never be recovered."
"She's determined that I need to accept her husband, or else' and we got to the 'or else'. Expecting me to clean up after my sister and going nuts on me for refusing brought us to 'or else'."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was fine to avoid unnecessary drama on her wedding day (NTA).
"Is it just me, or does OP's little sister sound angry at bio dad for dying? Like, it doesn't even matter how he died, she just hates him for 'leaving'. She needs therapy." ~ Acceptable_Bag_6556
"Ever think she is resentful that you have memories and a relationship with your real father vs her? That's probably where it stems from. You have all these wonderful memories, and she has nothing. The bond you have she missed out on and is mad at you." ~ LaMarquessDeSade
"I agree, and also, your sister is mad that you got to know and have a real connection with your bio-dad before he died, and she will never get that feeling of connection that you had between you, your mom, and your bio-dad."
"She's mad that you won't accept the new role in a scenario where you all have a family together that she actually has a part in, because she never got anything at all with bio-dad and family. Her anger stems from jealousy and insecurity about what you had before she was born." ~ Future_Goose_7010
"This is a simple case, really. Just ask her this: 'If stepdad died, and mom found and married another guy, would you see the new stepdad as your dad since both dad and old stepdad are dead? Or would old stepdad still be dad for you? If so, then you're no different than me since I still see dad as my only dad."
"If she feels that strongly about stepdad, it would put y'all in the exact same position in the given situation. And if she can't wrap her head around that, then she's a lost cause." ~ SkyWing937
"Why are you doing this to yourself? NTA. Your sister should have been disinvited months ago. I don't know why you keep mulling about, she's determined to get her way or ruin your wedding." ~ Petitebourgeoisie1
"NTA. Wow. Your sister is definitely suffering from main character syndrome. Your wedding isn't about her feelings."
"She is literally bullying you to get what she wants. At your wedding."
"A seven-year age difference is substantial when we are talking about the loss of your father when you were young. She doesn't remember bio dad, but you do. That is the difference."
"For example, we moved to a different state when I was seven, but my sisters were 5 and 6 years older than me, and both sisters were in high school. My memories of our home state are totally different than my sisters'."
"Tell your sister that this is your wedding and you are the bride, not her. When your sister gets married, she can have her stepfather walk her down the aisle."
"My guess is your sister has thrown fits all her life to get her own way." ~ Equal_Trash6023
"OP's sis needs to grow up and stop looking at her belly button as if it were the center of the universe." ~ MaoMaoNeko-chi
"Disinvite her. You did your best, it almost came to blows, this is never going to stop, in fact, as the years pass, she's doubling down, tripling down, quadrupling down on the pressure."
"You're going to have to go no-contact with her. Imagine if you were pregnant and the risk that would be?"
"Send her a kind and heartfelt note that you have tried your best, but it's not possible to be in a relationship. She doesn't respect your relationship with your father, you have tried to respect her relationship with hers, and that you wish her all the best."
"Then ask her to please not force you to get an order of protection from her, as this continued harassment won't be tolerated any longer and tell her that will be the next step."
"At the wedding, you make damn sure to have... Security."
"Because your sister is unhinged." ~ kazyape
It's unfortunate, but some people will never put anyone else before themself. OP's sister only cares about her own wants.
That's not someone you want at a wedding.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp