A stepparent’s role is determined by how and when they entered a child’s life. The later they arrive, the less likely they are to be viewed as a parental figure.
A bride-to-be dealing with her sister’s perception of their father and stepfather turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after her sister took exception to their stepfather’s role in the upcoming wedding.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Heighsley asked:
“AITAH for warning my sister I would leave her off the wedding guest list if she doesn’t stop pushing me to ask mom’s husband to walk me down the aisle?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My sister (22, female) and I (29, female) share the same biological parents. I was 9 and she was 2 when our dad died.”
“I was 11 and she was 4 when our mom remarried. For lots of reasons we don’t have the same relationship with mom’s second husband.”
“He tried to bond with me, but in a way where everything was forced and it was shoved down my throat that he was my dad. Right now I don’t have a relationship with them.”
“To my sister he’s dad, he’s the best guy in the world, and she will scream from the rooftops to defend him. A few years ago, she went no contact with our real dad’s parents and siblings because she took offense to them calling us his little girls in a card they left on his grave.”
“She told them she was our stepfather’s little girl. She actually said we both were. And that dad didn’t raise us like he did.”
“This was the first time we ever had a real fight between us, though we had bickered and disagreed on this topic before, because I told her he was not and would never be my dad.”
“She accused our grandparents, aunts and uncles of disrespecting our stepfather and of turning me against my family and she told them she hoped they’d join dad like they wanted to so bad since they wouldn’t come to terms with who our real dad is now.”
“The fight between us continued beyond my sister cutting dad’s family out of her life. She told me she had no idea I would be so set in my ways still and that she thought I’d have seen things clearer being older.”
“I told her it’s because I’m older that I don’t see it the same. I told her nobody replaced my dad. She told me it wasn’t normal to have someone else raise you and to feel like they weren’t your real parent.”
“I reminded her I was 11 when he married mom, so he didn’t even raise me as long as dad did.”
“Then she said I had known him longer though and parenting doesn’t end at 18. I pointed out I no longer lived with them at 18 and I never went to him for parenting or for support.”
She argued he loved me as much as her and he didn’t deserve to be the guy mom married. This fight lasted close to 5 weeks and I had to take some time from her before it turned into something physical. She got so worked up I expected it to become that.”
“We did make up, kinda, but were still very much not on the same page about mom’s husband. We also had a smaller fight over this topic around Father’s Day because it was the 20th one without dad and she didn’t like my post to dad and felt it invalidated mom’s husband.”
“And maybe it did in her eyes because he became our dad when he married mom, to her. But the reality is he only became her dad and never mine.”
“And I’m not even close to him, or to mom anymore, because they could never wrap their heads around me not accepting him as my dad or my parent.”
“Now the fight has turned to my wedding and the fact mom’s second husband will not be father of the bride, will not walk me down the aisle, get a dance, or have a standout place at the wedding. He’s mom’s plus one and that’s it for me.”
“He’ll be acknowledged in a toast with her, but that’s it. My sister doesn’t like it, and has made it her mission to force my hand into asking him.”
“She even went behind my back and told him I was going to ask and had finally come around and started a whole sh*tshow between me and mom over it. Mom’s husband was too busy sulking over not being asked to fight it out with me.”
“And that’s a whole other thing. I won’t get into it here.”
“I confronted my sister over what she did. She said she was trying to get me to do the right thing. We argued and it turned into another fight.”
“This is when I told her I would leave her off the guest list if she doesn’t stop pushing. My sister told me I have always hated her for loving mom’s husband, for not wanting dad to be her dad, but to have him as her dad because he’s alive.”
“She told me she never understood picking some dead guy over someone still alive who wanted to be our dad. She said I ruined our family.”
“I told her I couldn’t take my love away from dad and give it to somebody else and I couldn’t love somebody who tried to make me love them and tried to take a spot claimed by another.”
“My sister got incredibly frustrated and started cussing me out. But then she told me I was being an a** and threatening to keep her away from my wedding was to punish her when she didn’t deserve it and that I was asking for too much.”
“I told her I was serious, and I walked away from the fight, and I have refused to engage since.”
“She has tried. She has told me I can’t keep her away from my wedding, I’m not being fair, and she loves me and doesn’t want to miss her only sister getting married.”
“But I’m seriously thinking I might need to keep her away.”
“AITAH?”
The OP added a few more details.Â
“When I talked about what my mom’s husband would not be doing at my wedding, I should have said that was the plan before things kicked off.”
“Now neither mom nor her husband is invited because of the argument that happened after my sister lied.”
“The last time I spoke to my mom was the fight over my sister’s lie. I took them off the wedding guest list after it, too, because I realized the relationship with mom was over and would never be recovered.”
“She’s determined that I need to accept her husband, or else’ and we got to the ‘or else’. Expecting me to clean up after my sister and going nuts on me for refusing brought us to ‘or else’.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was fine to avoid unnecessary drama on her wedding day (NTA).
“Is it just me, or does OP’s little sister sound angry at bio dad for dying? Like, it doesn’t even matter how he died, she just hates him for ‘leaving’. She needs therapy.” ~ Acceptable_Bag_6556
“Ever think she is resentful that you have memories and a relationship with your real father vs her? That’s probably where it stems from. You have all these wonderful memories, and she has nothing. The bond you have she missed out on and is mad at you.” ~ LaMarquessDeSade
“I agree, and also, your sister is mad that you got to know and have a real connection with your bio-dad before he died, and she will never get that feeling of connection that you had between you, your mom, and your bio-dad.”
“She’s mad that you won’t accept the new role in a scenario where you all have a family together that she actually has a part in, because she never got anything at all with bio-dad and family. Her anger stems from jealousy and insecurity about what you had before she was born.” ~ Future_Goose_7010
“This is a simple case, really. Just ask her this: ‘If stepdad died, and mom found and married another guy, would you see the new stepdad as your dad since both dad and old stepdad are dead? Or would old stepdad still be dad for you? If so, then you’re no different than me since I still see dad as my only dad.”
“If she feels that strongly about stepdad, it would put y’all in the exact same position in the given situation. And if she can’t wrap her head around that, then she’s a lost cause.” ~ SkyWing937
“Why are you doing this to yourself? NTA. Your sister should have been disinvited months ago. I don’t know why you keep mulling about, she’s determined to get her way or ruin your wedding.” ~ Petitebourgeoisie1
“NTA. Wow. Your sister is definitely suffering from main character syndrome. Your wedding isn’t about her feelings.”
“She is literally bullying you to get what she wants. At your wedding.”
“A seven-year age difference is substantial when we are talking about the loss of your father when you were young. She doesn’t remember bio dad, but you do. That is the difference.”
“For example, we moved to a different state when I was seven, but my sisters were 5 and 6 years older than me, and both sisters were in high school. My memories of our home state are totally different than my sisters’.”
“Tell your sister that this is your wedding and you are the bride, not her. When your sister gets married, she can have her stepfather walk her down the aisle.”
“My guess is your sister has thrown fits all her life to get her own way.” ~ Equal_Trash6023
“OP’s sis needs to grow up and stop looking at her belly button as if it were the center of the universe.” ~ MaoMaoNeko-chi
“Disinvite her. You did your best, it almost came to blows, this is never going to stop, in fact, as the years pass, she’s doubling down, tripling down, quadrupling down on the pressure.”
“You’re going to have to go no-contact with her. Imagine if you were pregnant and the risk that would be?”
“Send her a kind and heartfelt note that you have tried your best, but it’s not possible to be in a relationship. She doesn’t respect your relationship with your father, you have tried to respect her relationship with hers, and that you wish her all the best.”
“Then ask her to please not force you to get an order of protection from her, as this continued harassment won’t be tolerated any longer and tell her that will be the next step.”
“At the wedding, you make damn sure to have… Security.”
“Because your sister is unhinged.” ~ kazyape
It’s unfortunate, but some people will never put anyone else before themself. OP’s sister only cares about her own wants.
That’s not someone you want at a wedding.