Having children is a responsibility, no matter what. However, having a child with special needs incurs additional challenges and attention.
Redditor Dramatic-Currency289 is the mother of a teenage girl with substantial additional needs to an average child.
The Original Poster (OP) and her ex-husband had agreed not to have more children when they were together in order to provide their daughter with the care she needed and deserved.
The OP and her ex got divorced, and the OP’s ex-husband remarried.
Recently, the ex and his new wife had a baby.
This surprised the OP based on the previous agreement she had with her ex.
Now the situation has escalated, and the OP’s ex’s new wife is frustrated that her husband won’t prioritize the baby over his daughter.
This caused the OP to snap, eventually going to subReddit “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA).
She asked:
“AITA for saying ‘you should’ve thought about that before you procreated’?”
She went on to explain:
“My ex and I have a 13-year-old daughter, ‘Nicole’. Nicole has several medical conditions that require a lot of attention. She will need some sort of in-home assistance for the rest of her life.”
“While we have an aide to help a couple of days a week, it is still a challenge. The outcome of Nicole’s condition became clear when she was 2.”
“At that point, my ex and I agreed we wouldn’t have more kids because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone. There’d be no way we could focus attention on two kids. Someone would lose out in this situation.”
“We divorced when Nicole was 5. We originally had 50/50 custody. 3 years later, my ex remarried.”
“His new wife, Callie, is nice. My ex did say that she didn’t understand the severity of Nicole’s condition. I figured there was a learning curve.”
“Eventually, Callie basically said she wanted to be hands-off. Which I respected, though I wondered how it’d work considering Nicole lives with them half the time.”
“Last year, my ex and Callie had a baby. I was a little surprised, given my ex was always firm on not having more kids, but figured it wasn’t any of my business.”
“He did begin to complain that it was a lot of work juggling Nicole and the baby. I sympathized but really didn’t know what else to say.”
“Recently, the venting got worse. He said Callie yelled at him for taking Nicole to her physical therapy appointment instead of helping her with the baby.”
“He brought up potentially having Nicole stay with me more. I wasn’t entirely shocked, but it pissed me off.”
“I said Nicole was his daughter. He can’t just abandon that responsibility. He asked what he was supposed to do about the baby.”
“I said, ‘Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you procreated? I mean, really, we discussed this ten years ago as to why it’d be hard to juggle two kids.'”
“‘Why did you think having another would be a good idea?’ He got quiet and said Callie wanted a baby.”
“I said that isn’t enough of a reason, and maybe he should’ve thought harder before bringing more life into this world.”
“The conversation ended with me saying I’d call my lawyer, and we could arrange for him to have less custody as I’d rather my daughter be properly cared for than be viewed as a burden.”
“Callie called me that night very upset that I had made my ex cry and that I said her baby shouldn’t exist. I said that’s not what I said completely, more that they didn’t think it through.”
“She called me a jerk.”
“AITA?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
“I assume Callie had this dream of Nicole magically disappearing over to your place so she and her ex can have just their happy new trio. ”
“You are absolutely correct to hold him accountable, esp if Nicole has the mental capacity to be aware she’s being shut out. NTA” – Only-Ingenuity7889
“NTA – it’s the truth and honestly Callie is the one in the wrong, If Nicole is with them and needs to be somewhere…”
“…then her father had better take her and Callie can deal with the baby!” – Lunar-Eclipse0204
“NTA. I’d go to the lawyer who originally handled the divorce if you had one and basically tell them what’s going on.”
“Say you want an increase in child support if you’re getting it for your ex being more hands-off OR your ex continues giving the same amount of care.”
“Once it gets before a judge, tell them the same thing you told us and the lawyer and that it’s non-negotiable.”
“More money or your ex’s involvement remains the same, up to your ex and the judge.” – Efficient_Wheel_6333
“NTA.”
“A lot of people don’t want to hear ‘you should be practical’ when it comes to having more children, but godd*mn it should be said way more often.”
“Hold their a**es accountable; it’s his daughter, and Callie chose to marry him knowing he had a special needs daughter.”
“If she didn’t ‘fully understand’ the situation, that was on her. Those are questions that should be asked and answers that should be understood before saying ‘I do.'”
“Get custody and get child support.” – SpaceyScribe
“NTA in any possible way. He FAFO. Make sure any support is adjusted as well. If he’s putting in less effort, he needs to pay to compensate. And push for the maximum possible.” – The_Bad_Agent
“NTA. The second Callie insisted on being hands-off with Nicole, that should have been a red flag 🚩 to your idiot ex.”
“He married someone who told him she wants nothing to do with his kid, and he thought having a baby with her was smart?”
“Apparently, Callie also didn’t understand how much work a baby is.”
“She is that self-centered dingbat who had a kid thinking it would be all baby cuddles and cute matching outfits, and found out instead that it’s work.” – nursepenguin36
“NTA. He’s finding out that the decision long ago was the right one.”
“He needs to understand that he made the choice to have another child, but he still has a huge responsibility to his first one. He can’t just push her aside.”
“Go after full custody and all the child support the law allows. You’re going to need it for your daughter’s care for the rest of her life.” – Fearless_Ad1685
“NTA”
“Your ex and Callie sound like immature and thoughtless people. I’d prepare to be Nicole’s main caretaker.”
“Hopefully, it doesn’t come to this, but it’s best to not be caught off guard if your ex decides to not take care of Nicole.” – TissueOfLies
“NTA. You had every right to say what you did. Callie wants to be hands-off. Let her butt out.” – Regular_Boot_3540
“You go Mama Bear! Once he wanted to lessen the visits, that was time to make them zero from a Mama Bear point of view.”
“As Callie has shown, she isn’t warmed to your child. And he has shown Nicole has become less of a priority. He probably told his current that you said what she claims you said to him.”
“Truly, though, if Nicole wants to see her dad, then fewer visits would be better than none. Nicole’s feelings come first. Her well-being is first.”
“You know she is getting the shaft, but hopefully she won’t.” – pensaha
“Yeah I saw the top comment and that was my immediate thought, Callie thought that your daughter would disappear from her life when she had her own baby.”
“Well, if you end up with full custody, make sure good ex pays you much more in child support. You will see how his wife likes that.” – NaturesVividPictures
“I’d feel bad for Nicole, though, if her dad just leaves her life, though, since you said Nicole lives with them half the time.”
“She’s 13. Definitely old enough to know that she used to see dad a lot, and now suddenly he’s never around.”
“Maybe it turns into 60/40 custody or something, but I hope he stays in her life even if it is less than it was originally.” – FrostyIcePrincess
“I was the baby with an disability so i know how hard it was for my parents raising me.. because of this that i am the only child now..”
“Your ex is an irresponsible person; if he wanted more children, cool, but he has to understand that he already has a commitment with one child that he chose to put in the world..”
“he complaining will change nothing, what he will do? Abandoning his child just because it’s an inconvenience to his new life? he is an awful parent.”
“Get his a** sued for more child support and get full custody too…”
“NTA” – CuriousLope
“You were wrong in saying he ‘should have thought of that before he procreated.'”
“He should have thought of that when Callie proved she wanted nothing to do with your daughter.”
“She wants Nicole out of their lives. I’m willing to bet good money she says some really horrible things about your daughter to her friends and family…”
“…and if she doesn’t say them, she certainly thinks them very loudly.”
“The fact Callie didn’t believe him about the level of Nicole’s disability at first, and then claimed she wanted nothing to do with her is proof to me…”
“…that when Callie had a child, she would begin to demand your ex focus on their baby, cutting out Nicole.”
“Callie’s gonna use this as further ammunition against you and, by extension, Nicole. I understand that your ex has to do his share…”
“…but you really need to think long and hard about whether you want to leave your disabled child in a household with a person who hates her…”
“…and will encourage her husband to neglect Nicole in favor of their new baby. And who knows what she will encourage their child to do to Nicole as they get older.”
“NTA, but you need to figure something out with your ex. Either call him out on Callie’s consistent lack of concern for Nicole and try to force an intervention…”
“…or tell him he’s lost all parental rights as he clearly only cares for his new family, and you cannot trust any of them around your disabled daughter.” – D*mnitGravity
It’s clear this was a very challenging situation where all of the adults needed to come together to plan for both kids.