"Neither a borrower nor a lender be" is a line from Act 1, Scene 3 of Hamlet by William Shakespeare. The character Polonius is giving advice to his son Laertes as he is going off to college.
But stuff happens in life and most people at one time or another require a loan or a line of credit. Which means someone has to be a lender.
The full line is:
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry."
Essentially, Polonius is warning his son that lending money to friends or family is full of risks to both finances and relationships. And routinely borrowing money to pay for life's regular expenses doesn't build a habit of taking personal responsibility.
In that context, it's sound advice.
But what about lending money to your ex? Is that ever a good idea?
Well...
A woman dealing with the fallout of collecting some of the money her ex-husband owes her thanks to an error on his part turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Rare-temp asked:
"AITA for not returning money my ex-husband sent to me mistakenly?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"A few days ago my ex-husband mistakenly transferred two payments of 8,700 and 9,275 to me. He did this at around 7:40 in the morning and I didn't notice because I had just worked a double/night shift and was getting ready for bed."
"So my phone was charging on the nightstand. At the same time, our 4 children were at my parents so I planned to sleep away half the day."
"I guess he realized his mistake around 8:30 a.m., and by then, I was dead asleep. I woke up at around 4 p.m. to at least a hundred missed calls and maybe 150 texts asking and begging me to send him back the money."
"My initial thoughts were to send it back, but then I remembered he owed me 12,000 and hasn't payed me back. The money was loaned to him after our divorce."
"We've been divorced for 7 years and I loaned him the money 4 years ago after he lost his job and fell behind on bills and his rent. This has nothing to do with his child support payments—which he is also behind on."
"That's being handled by family court/the child support oversight company."
"There's a text of him asking for a loan and it included a repayment plan and timeframe, but he never stuck to it. There are also many more texts discussing repayments and his excuses why he couldn't yet pay me back."
"So there's a legal trail if he ever decided to involve the law, but I seriously doubt he would because it would cost way more to sue me. I think I would win in court since I only deducted his debt to me."
"Yes, he is the father of our 4 kids. I didn't deduct the overdue child support payments because that is being handled by the courts and I don't want to muddy the water and get myself in trouble."
"The child support company is aware of his arrears, and if I'm not mistaken, he will need to start paying soon, or they'll start garnering his wages."
"When I say 'then I remembered he owed me money', you have to understand I had just woken up after having worked a double shift—I'm a nurse—and I was still kind of exhausted when I woke up."
"I could barely remember my own name let alone anything else. So my initial instinct was just to return the money but I quickly came back to my senses!"
"He's had a million excuses why he can't pay me back and yet I always see him living it up. His priorities are always himself and whatever new woman he's with, that is until she's no longer shiny and new."
"Yes, I could've sued him for the debt, but it would've cost me way more to hire a lawyer. Suing someone isn't cheap. Lawyers cost real money, and a lawsuit takes real time."
"So I kept the amount he owed me and returned only 5,975 and told him I deducted his 12,000 debt."
"Since then, I've had him call me every name in the book because this was apparently money he was saving to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring, the engagement venue, etc., so according to him, he had to tell her."
"He could've just pushed the engagement off and saved for a little longer. He didn't have to tell her."
"He probably did it because he wanted her to go on a social media campaign and badmouth me to anyone who'd hear. I can't tell you for sure that's why he told her, but I can say that he likes to rile his girlfriend up by telling her all the ways I've done him some perceived injustice."
"This supposedly led to it ruining the surprise engagement he planned for the next weekend. His girlfriend has been bad-mouthing me, and it has caused a bit of a sh*t storm with me having to shut down my social media."
"Even his parents—who I had a cordial relationship with—has been impacted by it."
"I discussed the situation with a friend and colleague. It was overheard by another colleague, and he called what I did a dickhead move."
"I guess he shared it with a couple of other people, and now I'm not too sure anymore whether I am being an a**hole or not.
"Is this an a**hole move?"
The OP added:
"Absolutely love my children and wouldn't trade my life with them for anything, but I certainly do regret ever being involved with their father. But you live and you learn."
"I learned that love is not enough to sustain a relationship or a family. It's kind of essential that you have the foundation of respect, consideration, reliability, responsibility, loyalty, integrity, honesty, devotion, and the occasional willingness to sacrifice your own comforts to make that love work."
"And it cannot be one-sided!"
The OP summed up their situation.
"Ex-husband mistakenly sent me money."
"I deducted his debt to me from it and returned the rest. Now I'm told the money was for an engagement ring and this has ruined the surprise engagement party he planned for his girlfriend."
"AITA for deducting his debt before returning the money?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously declared the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Every time someone calls you out for it, just reply, 'I did return it. I just deducted the 12k that I loaned him, and he's never paid back." ~ Shozurei
"NTA. If you think about it, the ex-husband begging her to send it back is essentially him begging her to loan him another $12,000 for his girlfriend's ring, which is just weird. Who asks their ex-wife to spot them the cash for their re-marriage?" ~ Father-Son-HolyToast
"To be fair, he has owed you 12,000 for four years."
"His priorities should have been clearing his debt and then saving for an engagement ring, especially when he clearly had the money."
"Also, surely he can find an engagement ring for 6,000."
"NTA, you only kept what you were owed." ~ buongiornoitaly
"NTA. Tell everyone who says that you're wrong that if he can afford a 'venue', he can afford to pay back his debt to the mother of his children."
"His new fiancée should be pleased to find out his true nature before the wedding. You did her a favour letting her know that he won't repay his debts unless forced to do so."
"His bad luck on the mistake, but good for you." ~ squirrelsareevil2479
"NTA. OP says he is also behind on his CS, but that it is being handled by family court."
"This dude has no business dropping almost 18 K on his girlfriend when he is not upholding his commitments to his former wife and children." ~ Some_Range_9037
"Who the hell spends 18,000 on an engagement ring and party when you obviously can't afford it?"
"NTA. That's just irresponsible and stupid." ~ GoNinjaPro
"My whole wedding, including the dress, suit, rings, and flights to Vegas with the full Elvis package and hotel with 'fun money' cost less than $3,000."
"The ex should feel relieved that at least that debt is settled. He's a fool for throwing away cash on some silly event and a shiny ring when he owes back child support. NTA." ~ Fromashination
"NTA—he owed you money and finally repaid it."
"Additionally, he didn't have to tell his girlfriend anything and just planned for a little bit later, but then he wouldn't be able to drag you through the dirt."
"So I guess you have to decide how badly you need your money back. I'm going to guess 12,000 is a lot more valuable than the people who take the side of someone like that." ~ SunshineShoulders87
"NTA—amusing how he can afford an almost 20,000 engagement but can't afford to pay you back. Keep the money and let them run their mouths." ~ Ok_Homework8692
This mother learned not to loan money to her ex, no matter his circumstances.
Her ex probably hasn't learned anything.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.