The phrase “A Diamond Is Forever” comes from a 1947 advertising campaign for De Beers from copywriter Frances Gerety at the N.W. Ayer agency. It helped propel the gem as the ultimate expression of love.
Prior to the concept taking off in the late 1940s to early 1950s, engagement rings incorporated a number of precious and semiprecious gems, including sapphires, rubies, emeralds, opals, turquoise, and even onyx as well as freshwater and ocean pearls.
Now diamonds are the standard for engagements in much of the world, leading to huge markups at both the wholesale and retail levels. But anyone who has tried to sell their diamond back to a jeweler knows they’re like cars—the value drops dramatically once it’s been pre-owned.
That might explain why engagement rings can become part of divorce settlements.
An ex-wife turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit to ask about a possible future situation with a “Would I Be The A**hole (WIBTA) question for feedback.
Yikeswhatdidijustdo asked:
“WIBTA telling my ex husband’s fiancée he’s using the diamond from my ring from our marriage?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Ex-husband and I have been divorced for 2 years, separated for 4. During mediation, he wanted the 2.5ct diamond back from the engagement/wedding ring he gave me, and I agreed.”
“We coparent our two kids relatively well, but overall, he terrifies me and can be vengeful. I hope he’s nice to whatever partner he’s with, and treats them better than he did me.”
“He recently got engaged to someone he’s only been dating for roughly 6 months. The kids had no idea he was going to propose—they’ve been living together the past 3 months.”
“The way I found out was through the kids… whereas I prefer to give coparenting heads-ups on things that would impact the kids.”
“My daughter voluntarily said that the diamond looks a lot like mine—it did have distinct occlusions.”
“If I see his new fiancée and confirm that the diamond is my old one, part of me wants to be like ‘dang girl, he used the same diamond?? You deserve better’, but then again it would be a bit petty and could stir some unwanted contention.”
“If I were in her shoes, though, I would want to know. My inclination is that he wouldn’t disclose that to her about the ring. What would you do?”
“If I said something, WIBTA?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I want to tell my ex-husband’s fiancée that he used my diamond in her engagement ring. This could make me the a**hole because he could get upset, and it could cause contention in their relationship.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would be the a**hole (YTA/YWBTA).
“YWBTA to yourself and your kids. Forget about his fiancée. You want to intentionally provoke a man you are terrified of? Seems like an incredibly stupid move.” ~ Laines_Ecossaises
“Seriously, what’s the goal here? To upset his fiancée so they have a fight and/ or she leaves? He’s terrifying and vengeful, but OP wants to instigate things? This isn’t about protecting the fiancée or anything, it’s about stirring up trouble.” ~ scarletnightingale
“This sounds to me like she isn’t terrified of him. It’s just a word she uses to describe him to get people on her side.”
“When I see a big scary monster, I run away… not towards it.”
“Sounds like a case of wanting what you can’t have. My advice is to find a hobby so you’re not consumed with your EX.” ~ TheHouseIsBurning007
“Having been with a man I was genuinely terrified of, I can’t help but agree. I understand having to stay in contact because of the kids, but that should be even more of a reason to keep things amicable. No one poked the bear who is genuinely afraid of the bear.”
“OP, your job as their mom is to protect them from collateral damage. If dad is making sh*t decisions, your job is to be the house where things are safe and sane. If he’s terrible and she’s terrible, they will figure that out on their own.”
“Your daughter was smart enough to figure out the diamond thing, so she doesn’t need you provoking things to make a point. Stay neutral at worst, positive at best. Be the bigger person, and your kids will notice. YWBTA.” ~ lelawes
“Agreed, I have also been in a relationship with a terrifying man. I never provoked him; I was always submissive to avoid conflict.” ~ Seo-Hyun89
“Also, why on earth would you care? Neither of them is your concern anymore. YWBTA. Let it be and live your life. Those who stir the sh*t pot often have to lick the spoon.” ~ paisley_life
“I have to agree with that.”
“It does sound like she uses that term to make people sympathetic, and then her actions show she is willing to poke the dude who she is so, so terrified of.”
“If you are terrified of the dude, you won’t put yourself in his path or try to mess with him.” ~ SoccerProblem3547
“Calling an ex vengeful, and then asking if it makes you an a**hole to stir up sh*t in the ex’s new relationship is wild levels of gaslighting.”
“Calling an ex terrifying and the sending the kids off to spend time with him, would imply he’s not terrifying.” ~ Asleep_Mood9549
“You claim he terrifies you and is vengeful? YWBTA if you risked your own and your kids’ safety for this.” ~ That_Bee_Baker
“Yeah this seems like a crazy question in the same vein as: ‘I’m allergic to bees, should I throw rocks at the nearby hive just to see what happens?’.”
“If the guy is legitimately terrifying and vengeful I would go out of my way to not f*ck with him over something that has no impact on me at all. I see absolutely no benefit to telling her.” ~ mdk_777
“He probably isn’t ‘vengeful’ or ‘terrifying’. It’s just something she’s learned to say that gets people on her side straight away.”
“I’m terrified of bears…. Which is why I don’t go out of my way to poke them with sticks to piss them off.” ~ skasquatch118
“She’s either lying about the terrifying part or has zero common sense. Or both.” ~ BackFromTheDeadSoon
“And all over something that is none of her business to begin with. And not even confirmed. She’s trying to say the child came to her saying that just the diamond looked the same? Really?” ~ smbpy7
“It’s not your business, and frankly, if my partner’s ex told me this, I would just think she’s miserable, bitter, and jealous. Who cares? How do you know he hasn’t discussed this with her? Why do you feel like this is even your business?”
“The concept of instigating someone you’re terrified of is wild, makes me feel like OP is probably the issue in this relationship.” ~ No-Cancel1846
“I have a ‘used’ diamond in my wedding ring, and I’ve always known it, but my ‘used’ husband is a frugal kind of guy, and it’s just the logical thing to do.” ~ c9pilot
“That diamond is so big, your kid can see occlusions and recognize them as your old diamond? Right…” ~ liosistaken
“What kid, even if they’re only barely living at home, is paying attention to that AT ALL let alone looking deeply enough to see anything. You’d be lucky if most kids noticed it was the same general cut.” ~ smbpy7
“Not like kids would ever make mistakes, lie, or embellish stories, either! Kids don’t care about diamonds. Why would the kids even think to look for identifying features? Did the kids look at the ring under a loupe?” ~ patchy_doll
“YTA. What him and his fiancée do is none of your business. Your only goal here is to stir up drama. Don’t be ‘that’ ex wife. Focus on being good co-parents and ask yourself if mocking his new wife is helping you in your goal of being better co-parents.” ~ Final_Replacement_37
“Telling the fiancée about the ring will damage your relationship with her which will end up hurting your kids.”
“There is no benefit to telling her. Do you really think she’s going to be happy that you told her? The most important thing is to be cordial with the fiancée.” ~ Taitertottot
“First, you say you’re scared because he can be vengeful, and then you talk about wanting to go out for your way to throw him under the bus and start drama. A little counterintuitive, don’t you think?”
“YWBTA. Let it go and focus on parenting.” ~ DestructoDon69
“You agreed to give him the diamond back. What is he supposed to do, throw it in a drawer? Stay out of it. It’s no longer yours.” ~ RedFlamingo222
“You: ‘He terrifies me and can be vindictive’.”
“Also you: ‘Should I piss off a man I say I’m terrified of just to get the chance to one up his new fiancée?’.”
“You need to get your story straight. I’ve been terrified of a man before. The last thing I did was anything that would piss him off.” ~ BabalonBimbo
“YTA. You say he terrifies you, but you’re trying to rile him up‽‽”
“You say you coparent well, but you’re willing to upset that just to be petty to a woman that hasn’t done anything to you‽‽”
“Just because you’d want to know, doesn’t mean that she wants to know.”
“And diamonds can and should be reused, like, are we going to throw out all diamond rings that have been previously worn by someone else?” ~ Ok_Conversation5339
“You claim, ‘he terrifies me and can be vengeful’. Yet here you are, rocking the boat on an issue that you know without any shadow of a doubt will set him off on an issue that isn’t your concern.”
“Then 6 months from now you’ll be back on this sub writing posts about the fallout from all this (and there WILL be fallout), looking for sympathy, and finding none.”
“We’re all going to say that it was all easily avoidable. You know ahead of time he’s going to escalate and take it too far, and while that is wrong, that excuse won’t shield you from the criticism that comes with knowingly creating that mess.”
“What other outcome do you honestly think is going to happen? (not rhetorical) YWBTA.” ~ Zestyclose_Swing_824
“YWBTA-if he terrifies you and can be vengeful, what good do you think will come from you inserting yourself into something that doesn’t have anything to do with you?”
“Who cares if he has disclosed where the diamond came from or not? It doesn’t impact you in any way, so leave it alone.” ~ Impressive_Moment786
Why the OP cares about something that doesn’t belong to her and about a relationship she isn’t a part of was baffling for many.
The universal advice was for her to move on with her own life.