When getting a group of people together, it sometimes weighs fairly heavily on us who should be invited.
Sometimes there is a general understanding that you don’t need to invite all friends to all gatherings.
Unfortunately, some people are sensitive enough that when they get wind that certain people got together without them, they handle the news anything but gracefully.
Redditor tryingnottobeDUM8 was planning on hosting a game night with some of her nearest and dearest.
However, there was one person the original poster (OP) was planning on excluding, for one singular reason.
Problematically, there was a good chance that this person would learn of their exclusion owing to other people going to the party.
Unsure of how to handle things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for excluding my brother from a fun event because his wife talks too much?”
The OP explained why they were worried about their guest list for a game night they were hosting:
“I (29 F[emale]) I’m having a game night and would love for my brother (33 M[ale]) to attend, but do not enjoy the company of his wife (30 F), not because she’s a bad person, but because she has no ability to control herself in a social setting.”
“She not only dominates any conversation and is very loud (only appears to have one volume).”
“She also rarely ask anyone questions about themselves without immediately, jumping on what they’re saying to make it about her.”
“Unfortunately, due to her behavior, I have to exclude my brother from this event (and likely future events) because there’s no way that he would show up without her (which is fair).”
“My brother has been married for a year.”
“This is not new behavior from her, and I have discussed it with him.”
“He says he knows that it is annoying/disruptive and that he has talked to her about it, but nothing seems to change.”
“This happens at dinners, family gatherings, etc.”
“I have to specifically seek him out alone, if I want to talk to him at all.”
“If they are together, she cannot stop talking for both of them and he can’t get a word in.”
“I understand it’s probably an anxiety thing and she claims to be going to a therapist for the past couple years, but I just don’t know if there’s anything more I can do without being rude.”
“Here is where I may be the a**hole.”
“I’m inviting some cousins and some of my close friends to game night that live much further than my brother and his wife (they live in my city).”
“I have not told them, but I’m concerned about them finding out and being hurt but I’d like the chance for everyone to participate in a conversation.”
“Last time she was at game night she delayed people’s turns because she wouldn’t stop talking and was practically yelling over people trying to participate in the game about unrelated things.”
“Am I the a**hole for excluding them because of her behavior?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for excluding her brother and his wife from her game night.
Everyone agreed that, regardless of her sister-in-law’s behavior, she shouldn’t always feel obligated to invite her brother to everything, even though many agreed that it would probably be a good idea to have a talk with her brother:
“NTA.”
“I think you need to tell your brother that you’re entering a new phase here.”
“It’s good that you’ve tried to talk to him about it.”
“Now it’s a matter of ‘Listen, she hasn’t changed, it’s gotten to the point that it’s affecting all of our enjoyment of the events she’s at – I want to work with you here but something has to change’.”
“That will be a little awkward, but less so than them finding out second and third hand from the cousins.”- jmgolden33
“NTA.”
“Your brother already knows you can’t stand her, so if he finds out about game night, it won’t bother him.”
“If she finds out about game night, that might be the wake up call she needs to change her behavior.”
“I’m curious…if she’s this bad, how did you brother come to marry her?”
“Does the rest of your family dislike her too?”- Digitalabia
“I have this problem: if I think it I say it, and I can’t hear myself talk very well so I’m loud.”
“I practice very hard at asking people questions, NOT always having to tell my story and apologizing for interrupting if I do. I also practice active listening.”
“It gets easier & its been years since anyone has had to tell me ‘hang on, let so-and-so finish’.”
“My friends also are welcome to tell me ‘hey, indoor voices’ if I’m getting too loud, although that doesn’t happen as often either, because my friends appreciate my exuberance as long as I shut up and listen a lot!”
“It takes conscious effort to overcome and it sounds like she’s not even trying.”
“NTA but I hope she can learn like I did.”- blootereddragon
“NTA.”
“But talk to your brother ahead of time so they don’t just feel excluded.”
“I think that you should tell him what’s going on.”
“You could recommend that she specifically work on this loud/interrupting issue in therapy.”-PeacockFascinator778
“NTA, you don’t always have to invite all family members.”
“But maybe you can meet up with your brother alone for lunches or so, to keep a good contact.”-Better-Theme-7747
“NTA.”
“but at this point it’s time to tell HER why they’re getting excluded.”
‘Stop telling your brother because he’s sugar coating it for her.”
“Tell her exactly why like you did here.”- Cheska1234
“NTA.”
“I know someone like that and it’s exhausting.”
“You aren’t obligated to have them at every event.”- MovieLazy6576
“NTA.”
“Someday she’ll get the message.”
“Obviously therapy isn’t helping this ‘issue’.”- Gattina1
“NTA but why not talk to her about it?.”- NaiveConcept69
“NTA.”
“When (general) you choose partner with someone who causes problems with people, then those people are likely going to want to create some distance.”
“Just because someone is ultimately more ok than not with that behavior doesn’t mean everyone else is.”
“I think you should have a conversation with your brother since he’s bound to find out about the event.”
“You can explain your perspective.”
“He’ll likely be upset but just because someone is upset it doesn’t always mean that you did something wrong.”
“If you’re willing and able to be around her for a shorter get-together you can offer that.”
“He might decline, but that’s how it goes sometimes.”
“It sounds like you want to spend time with your brother, but if he doesn’t want to hang around anymore, it won’t be that much different since he isn’t even able to speak during gatherings anyway.”- paul_rudds_drag_race
“NTA.”
“For not inviting your brother but you need to rip the band-aid off and explain it to your brother.”
“He’s going to find out one way or another and it’s going to be way worse if he found out you were trying to do this behind his back.”- jimmytaco6
“NTA but be ready for the backlash because she will eventually find out.”
“So I guess at this point you have to decide wether it’s worse for her to find out after the fact or for you to let them know about your game night and that they are not invited because of her behavior.”-Hungry-Job-3198
“NTA.”
“She will not change unless she feels the consequences of her behavior.”- chart1961
“I am picturing this woman like a man I know who honestly never, and I mean never, shuts up.”
“I thought he was on coke the first time I met him. If she’s like that, sorry, but your brother married her and this is a social consequence.”
“NTA.”- slendermanismydad
“NTA.”
“But you need to speak to your brother and tell him you’d love him to be there and ask if he’s willing to come without his wife.”
“Is there a time when she has a social engagement of her own when you could invite him without insulting her?”- DesperateinDunharrow
“NTA.”
“She sounds stressful to be around.”- Living-Ear8015
“Don’t tell him beforehand.”
“Tell him afterward when there’s no chance he can guilt you into changing your mind.”
“NTA.”- fly1away
Game nights are meant to be fun, and if the OP’s sister-in-law will ruin the evening, it’s understandable why she might not want her there.
Even so, if the OP’s brother finds out about being excluded from their cousins, he will likely be hurt or angry.
Leading one to hope the OP does, as many have suggested, and has a talk with her brother, to hopefully find a happy path going forward.