Not all friendships are meant to last forever.
People can be the greatest of friends for a long time.
And then one day… everything changes.
There are so many reasons for a change in friend status.
And not many answers are easy to accept.
Redditor Local-Compote-5143 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for asking my best friend why she’s excluding me?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (29 F[emale]) have been best friends with ‘Jenna’ (29 F) since college.”
“We’ve been inseparable for 11 years – we talk every day, spend every weekend together, go on trips, the whole deal.”
“She’s basically my soulmate (platonic obviously lol).”
“About 6 months ago, Jenna started dating this guy, ‘Mark’ (32 M[ale]).”
“I was happy for her at first!”
“I really was.”
“But then she started canceling our plans to hang out with him.”
“I totally understood – new relationship energy and all that.”
“I never complained once.”
“But it’s been getting worse.”
“She’s canceled on me 6 times in the last two months.”
“Always last minute.”
“Always for Mark.”
“I finally told her (very calmly!) that I felt like she was prioritizing him over our friendship, and it hurt my feelings.”
“She apologized and said she’d make more effort.”
“Things were better for like two weeks. “
“Then, last month, I saw on Instagram that Jenna had attended a wine tasting event downtown – the same weekend she had told me she was ‘too busy’ to come to my place for our preplanned dinner and had needed to cancel.”
“I didn’t want to be accusatory, so I just texted her, ‘Hey! I saw you were at that wine event, and I hope it was fun! Would have loved to come if I’d known about it 😊.’”
“She left me on read for THREE DAYS.”
‘Then she finally responded with just ‘It was a last-minute thing with Mark’s coworkers.’”
“Okay, fine.”
“I dropped it.”
“I didn’t want to seem clingy. “
“But then two weeks ago, I found out through another friend that Jenna is having a birthday party next month.”
“And I haven’t been invited.”
“I texted Jenna asking about it (still very calm and not accusatory!), and she called me and said it’s going to be ‘a small thing, just Mark’s friends and a few people from work.’”
“I was so confused.”
“I’ve been to every single one of her birthday parties for 11 years.”
“I asked her directly: ‘Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Because I feel like you’ve been icing me out and I don’t understand why.’”
“She got really quiet and then said, ‘I think we need some space. You’re being really intense lately, and it’s making me uncomfortable.’”
“I was FLOORED. Intense??”
“For asking why my best friend of over a decade is suddenly treating me like a stranger?”
“I told her I thought that was really unfair and that I deserved an actual explanation.”
“She said she didn’t want to have this conversation and that she ‘needed time to think.’”
“That was 12 days ago, and she still hasn’t reached out.”
“I’m heartbroken.”
“I’ve literally done nothing wrong.”
“I’ve been patient.”
“I’ve been understanding.”
“I’ve tried to communicate my feelings like an adult.”
“And she’s acting like I’m the problem?”
“My mom says I should just give Jenna space, but I feel like if I do that, our friendship is just over.”
“I sent her one more text yesterday saying, ‘I love you, and I’m here when you’re ready to talk. I just want to understand what happened.’”
“She blocked me.”
“I’m completely devastated.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for trying to save our friendship?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“She’s allowed to go places and have a life without you.”
“It’s intense AF of you to find out about her plans and text her demanding to know why you weren’t invited or trying to guilt-trip her about not inviting you.”
“Do you have any other friends?”
“Because it sounds like you spend all your time waiting for her to text you YTA.” ~ aria523
“Sure, she is allowed to go places, but continuously last-minute cancelling on your friend of 11 years for a new B[oy]F[riend] is just a di*k move and makes it seem like she doesn’t value the friendship with OP at all.”
“I think if you are friends, you should be able to talk about such things and why they are hurting you.”
‘Yeah, maybe it’s a bit intense to text about the wine tasting thing and why you weren’t invited, but she had established plans with OP first!”
“Same with the birthday thing OP went to for 11 years.”
“It’s not weird that OP wants to know what is up if you are suddenly not invited anymore.” ~ Melvarkie
“YTA. The type of close friendship where you talk every day and spend every weekend together is almost impossible to maintain as an adult, especially if one is in a relationship.”
“Cancelling 6 times in the past 2 months implies you’ve been trying to make plans nearly every single weekend still (there are 8 weekends in 2 months).”
“Maybe she feels she has to cancel because if she declines making plans with you, you’ll refuse to allow that.”
“You are being very controlling of your friend.”
“Even after 20 years of friendship, you aren’t owed her time, and if she wants to prioritize plans with her boyfriend, you have to accept that.”
“Not being invited to her birthday party seems to be the consequence of your pushiness, so now she doesn’t even want to hang out with you at all.”
“And when you couldn’t leave that alone, she resorted to blocking so she doesn’t have to see your attempts to cling to her.”
“I know how hard it is when friendships change, but trying to control your friend and guilt her into spending time with you will only push her away, as you’ve already seen.” ~ No-Operation-4398
“To be honest, just from reading this, it seems like you have been a little intense about this.”
“It’s normal for adults with partners to not see their friends, even their best friends, every single weekend.”
“I do think you have probably come across as clingy and intense and not understanding of her changed life and relationship dynamic, and for this reason, I think maybe she has not wanted to spend the same amount of time with you and has needed some space.”
“I think you should reach out and apologize for being clingy and not giving her space, and let her know that you would like to hang out again when she is ready.” ~ BenderBenRodriguez
“YTA. Your friend wanted space.”
“Your mom advised you to give her space.”
“You decided to ignore that and try to drag it out right then and there.”
“Your friend has a new partner.”
“It is NORMAL to prioritize a partner over your friends.”
“6 cancellations in 2 months, beans, you’ve been trying to monopolize her time almost every week.”
“That’s excessive, even for a best friend.”
“What will you do when they have a baby, and she’s busy all the time with that?” ~ Industry_Cautious
“Soft YTA.”
“Honestly, OP, you sound obsessive.”
“I’ve seen some of your replies to the comments, and I’m curious: are you in love with your (now former) best friend?”
“I ask because, despite your insistence that your feelings are platonic, your behavior is similar to that of lesbian/bisexual women who are experiencing their first crush on the same sex.”
“It’s clear from your comments that you’re jealous of your friend’s new relationship, and I can promise you that your dislike towards Mark isn’t nearly as subtle as you probably think it is.”
“Jenna has noticed.”
“I’m sure Mark has noticed, or been told by Jenna.”
“The reason you’ve been excluded and Jenna is pulling back from you is because your behavior is making her uncomfortable, which she stated clearly.”
“It’s normal for couples to focus more intensely on their relationship- unfortunately, at the expense of other interpersonal relationships – when it’s new.”
“It sounds like you’re under the false belief that they’ll break up, and she’ll go back to being your friend/pseudo girlfriend instead.”
“We have no way of knowing what else you might have said or done to come off as ‘intense,’ but you need to do some self-reflection, possibly consider therapy, and accept that Jenna has decided that your friendship isn’t one she wants to maintain.” ~ Elfboyfriends
“YTA. You guys are 29, not 19.”
“Your lives are establishing, and the reality is that people will get busy and drift apart.”
“This happens in every stage in life, but I’m assuming your friend wants something more serious and is trying to establish a strong relationship that could lead to marriage.”
“She is a person above anything else.”
“She has her own life away from you.”
“If I were her, I’d also want space.”
“I’ve had friends like you my whole life, and it’s led to me feeling suffocated, and in the end, I cut all of them off.” ~ AppropriateBasket94
“YTA. You are extremely clingy, also kinda passive-aggressive.”
“You don’t text someone asking why they weren’t invited.”
“You aren’t invited to everything.” ~ SoccerProblem3547
“YTA. I have sympathy because I get intense about friendship as well. However…”
“She asked for space.”
“You texted her anyway.”
“And in your replies here, you make it clear that you do not value her new relationship or desire to make other friendships.”
“That’s NOT being a good friend.”
“It sounds like dating someone new gave her perspective on ways her relationship with you is enmeshed.”
“You were unable to ease off to a healthier distance.”
“Losing your friend is the consequence.”
“I’m sorry you are hurting, but this is on you.” ~ Foreign_Plan_5256
Reddit is not thrilled with your behavior, OP.
Understandably, you’re upset.
It sounds like your friend needs space.
It’s respectful to give it to her.
Focus on yourself for a while.
That may help.