Planning big, extravagant vacations can be stressful.
The to-do list can be endless.
And depending on the size of the travel group it can take years to get right.
That's why details matter and why guarantees of arrival matter.
Any small changes or dropouts can upend the entire trip.
And the outcome can be costly.
Redditor Inanarcticparadise wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not inviting my nephew on vacation?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For the last 20ish years, I've planned family trips."
"I love to travel and this is a way to include my siblings and their children (10 people) in my passion and a fun way to spend time together."
"I cover the cost of the tour and transport to the destination and they cover the tips/incidentals."
"So far, we've gone to Turkey, South Africa, Vietnam, Croatia, Panama, Mongolia, and Iceland."
"It's typically about $4000-6000/person and requires months/years of planning and budgeting."
"I poll the family on their availability about 18-24 months before the planned trip."
"My nephew (late 20s) has RSVPed yes for the last 4 trips, only to back out at the very last minute (the week prior) such that I can't recoup the cost of his fare and the reasons he doesn't make it are never acceptable for a travel insurance claim."
"He has had a work emergency (he's an accountant), a friend's wedding, concert tickets, high school 10-year reunion."
"I'm planning a Galapagos cruise for October 2026 and decided not to extend the invite to my nephew because he's unreliable."
"Now most members of my family are outraged and, though not actually boycotting the trip, incessantly vocal on their displeasure at my 'targeting' my nephew."
"I've tried to compromise by requesting that he give me a deposit with the plan that I return it if he actually comes but this only seemed to make people angrier."
"I mentioned canceling the entire thing and now only my younger sister is speaking to me."
"She tells me that the family is in uproar about my 'selfishness' and discussing 'writing me off permanently' if I actually cancel the trip."
"I'm in tears and just don't know what to do."
"I love my family."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Was it an a**hole move to exclude my nephew?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
"So in the last four years, your nephew has wasted somewhere between $16k and $24k of your money and no one in your family thinks there's anything wrong with that?"
"They clearly think you have endless amounts of money and feel entitled to it."
"I would absolutely refrain from planning further vacations for them since they are treating you so badly."
"His parents should be mortified that he has repeatedly done this and offered to cover any nonrefundable costs since he has not had the grace to do so himself."
"You are definitely NTA."
"How does your family treat you when you are on these vacations?"
"How do they treat you over the course of your day-to-day life?"
"Their current behavior does not trend with people who are appreciative and gracious."
"It would align more with people who are selfish and entitled."
"The issue for your nephew is that he has no skin in this game."
"He did not find out about these conflicts the week before, he just didn't tell you about them."
"Sounds like when it came down to it, he just didn't really want to go on these trips."
"Does he not realize you incurred non-refundable costs?"
"Did he accept the invitations or did his parents accept on his behalf without consulting him?"
"If they accepted on his behalf, maybe they are reacting poorly now out of guilt because this is actually their fault, not their son's."
"Assuming you still want to go on trips with these people, I would talk to him directly and explain all the costs incurred on his behalf over the past several years."
"Tell him that you will include him this year if he pays last year's non-refunded costs."
"Tell him the date he has to let you know by if he intends to back out."
"After that point, he won't be invited again unless he pays those nonrefundable costs."
"And by the way."
"This is all very disrespectful and not how you should treat someone who is giving you a free vacation." ~ Human-Obligation3621
"NTA. Your family's collective entitlement is very concerning."
"This is the definition of being taken for granted."
"Or worse, this massive gift of financial output and emotional labor (coordinating big groups isn't easy) has slid from something they're given to something they're owed."
"So, when your nephew backs out at the last minute, he gets grace."
"But when you set boundaries with plenty of notice, you get shamed?"
"Something deeper isn't right with this entire dynamic." ~ Hola-Fabi
"Exactly! I haven't been able to afford a vacation in 13 years."
"If I were given one for free like OP's family, I'd be so grateful I'd bend over backward to accommodate any of their choices or stipulations."
"The utter lack of appreciation is astounding."
"They'll make any excuses for the nephew, but completely disregard everything OP has done to give them these life experiences that most people will never be fortunate enough to have." ~ Actual-Tap-134
"If someone did this for me every year I'd probably be their devoted slave for the entire year."
"Make sure they stay stocked with baked goods, make them a jumper or something at least once a year, give them lifts when needed, do their odd jobs for them, make them an elaborate dinner at least once a month."
"And if someone did what the nephew did, I would tell them not to invite him next year the first time and then take the decision on myself so people could be mad at me instead of him."
"What a bunch of ungrateful a**hats." ~ PoisonPlushi
"Two years ago my sister, her husband, and her son took a family trip to the UK."
"They invited me to come with them and very graciously paid my share of the plane tickets and accommodations."
"I only had to pay for my own incidentals + hostel space and my plane ticket home (I stayed an extra week to work on research)."
"I make very little money, and their generosity meant so much to me."
"If I could return the favor I'd do it in a heartbeat."
"OP's family has become entitled jerks. NTA." ~ keyofmgy
"As a recovering people pleaser, I wonder if OP is what it looks like when you just want everyone to be happy and you can actually put your money where your heart is."
"Is this akin to how low-income people pleasers give up all their time?"
"So much and so often that people feel entitled to every minute?"
"I can't figure out if the family is also wealthy, broke but entitled, or something in between… no matter where they are positionally this still feels wrong."
"Do they think they're doing OP a favor somehow?"
"That their willingness to go with a preset plan is somehow their contribution?"
"Sincerely wondering how any group of people could come to this collective judgment of the gift giver/organizer — and to the point, all but one makes sure OP knows their love and basic contact is conditional!" ~ Hola-Fabi
"NTA. I would cancel the whole trip and never take any of them again."
"It's easy to be flippant with other people's money."
"How about they pay his way and have him back out, costing them thousands?"
"See how well they handle it."
"I'm so angry on OP's behalf, their family is calling them selfish and other names, refusing to talk to them when they have spent thousands of dollars over the years taking them all on vacations."
"OP's family are entitled, ungrateful people and don't deserve the generosity that OP has shown them." ~ Frequent_Couple5498
"I bet you anything that the family just says 'Well, OP was ready to spend that money anyway, so what does it matter if nephew can't make it?'"
"What a bunch of entitled, unthankful jerks! "
"This lovely, costly, generous gesture has just become something they all expect to receive, and they think they all just deserve it now."
"They don't appreciate it, or OP. NTA."
"I saw this happen at work on a much different scale... my boss started putting out a candy dish on her desk, refilling it with chocolate every time it got low."
"Within months, people just came to expect it and no longer considered it a perk- now it was something owed to them."
"One day, she was out at meetings, and the dish was empty."
"When she got back, people were actually mad at her because 'their' candy wasn't there when they wanted it!" ~ Lizwings
"All of this, OP."
"I would send a group text, 'I have spent X on nephew over the last few trips, which has been wasted when he backs out at the last second.'"
"'Since all of you seem to think that amount of money is nothing, you can get together and pay back the amount wasted by said nephew.'"
"'Until that is done, I won't be scheduling any more trips.'"
"'And moving forward, you can gather your money together to put as a deposit for said nephew.'"
"'If he doesn't come, I'll keep the money.'"
"'And anyone who calls me selfish, and other such names, after taking you on X fully paid for vacations over the years will be permanently removed from the family trips.'"
"'I am a person.'"
"'I don't deserve to be treated this way after everything I've done for the family.'"
"'And if it is that hard for any of you to treat me like a person, then it tells a lot about what kind of people you are.'"
"OP, you don't WANT a relationship with people who are only using you for your money."
"Take this as an opportunity to see who those people are." ~ crystallz2000
"Let me get this straight... you plan, book, and PAY FOR an insanely huge family vacation every year."
"There's one person who always wastes your money, you don't want to waste money on them, and now your family is saying if you don't CONTINUE to pay for the insanely expensive vacations, they will disown you?"
"Your family sucks."
"They're, at best, entitled."
"At worst, abusers who are using you for your money and ready to dump you the moment you aren't useful to them anymore."
"NTA, tell them you won't cancel the trip, but everyone can pay their own way."
"When they threaten to cut you off, say, say, 'Nice, saves me the cash.'" ~ Bunker_Rodz
"NTA. Your family has been using you."
"I would be so angry if a relative has consistently flaked costing another family member $30k over the years without reimbursing them."
"You've probably spent over half a million on trips with your family, and they are treating you this way?"
"It's time to make new friends and travel partners."
"Your family doesn't care about you."
"They are only around for the fancy trips and your money."
"Otherwise they would have agreed to consequences for flaking." ~ cassowary32
"I think this is so important to stress!"
"If the whole family is willing to write OP off because they won't subsidize vacations their nephew never comes on - but of course, they're not so upset as to back out of their own free trip - what the family is really saying is that OP is only of value to them based on these financial transactions."
"That if OP isn't willing to treat everyone to tens of thousands of dollars worth of vacations on a yearly basis, they're not someone worth knowing."
"Please, OP, spend your time and your money on people who care about you as a person, and not just the perks they get."
"You're clearly a fabulous individual, and you deserve so much better than this treatment!" ~ MorphogeneticGrid
"You would be the A Hole if you go forward with the trip as planned."
"Cancel the trip for everyone except you and your younger sister."
"Stop being used. NTA." ~ ZaelDaemon
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is an outrageous situation. Your family has no right to treat you this way. After all you've done for these people, it's sad that they would act like this. There is no reason why your nephew can't pony up the money upfront.
He is unreliable.
Don't let them get you down.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp