Occupations that require swing shifts or being on call can be difficult for the individual as well as their family.
When you're gone a lot, the time you do have with family becomes more important.
But everyone needs to sleep sometime.
A wife—who got pushback after allowing her exhausted spouse to sleep—turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Sea_Chocolate_8450 asked:
"AITA for not waking my wife up and letting her sleep the whole day?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Just some quick background info: My wife (Heather—36, female) and I (35, female) have been together for the past 14 years and married for 10. We have two daughters (4 and 6 years old) together."
"Heather is a doctor, and she works ridiculously long hours, gets tired, etc... Yesterday, she came back home after being away all day."
"She was on call and needed to go in for an emergency surgery. Heather told me she was going to sleep for a couple of hours and asked me to wake her up by dinner so she could see the girls and me a bit."
"She went to sleep around 5 PM. I tried to wake her at 7 PM. I called for her, softly shook her, gave her a kiss on the cheek but she didn't get up."
"She is a very light sleeper and these things wake her up 90% of the time. I thought she needed the rest and let her sleep."
"Heather slept until the next morning, which is when she needed to go to work."
"She was very upset the following morning saying I should have woken her up and that I had caused her to miss an entire day of family time. I explained that she didn't wake up and she said I just should have tried harder to wake her."
"I get that she wants to be present in our family—and she is—and she wants our kids to see both their moms, but I just wanted to let her get some much-needed sleep to help her be well-rested for the next day."
"Was I genuinely the a**hole?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"My wife came back from work and told me to wake her up by dinner. She was tired and didnt get up, so I let her sleep til the next morning."
"I may be the a**hole because I didn't wake her when she had told me to and it made her miss an entire day."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Yeah, NTA. I would suggest, given the strong chance this situation can happen again, that OP sits down with wife and discuss what the acceptable limit of waking up efforts is for non-emergency situations."
"Like actually lay down 'However loud you think yelling is OK, however much tugging and pushing is OK, show me, right now'."
"You might never convince her that what has already happened was something at a reasonable limit of waking up efforts, but if you communicate the details now, in the future you can say 'Look, I yelled this much, I pulled that much, I didn't go further because we agree that you only pull that hard or yell that loud if someone is bleeding'."
"I have had kinda the opposite problem with my fiance—he thinks that my vague intent to get up and go for a walk around 9am because the weather report looks good means that it's reasonable to use the 'urgent tone of voice'—which panics sleepy me for some reason—and for that matter he will do that at 7 in the f*cking morning."
"Cleared up with conversation about 'don't do X if no one is bleeding, don't wake me up before Y time unless someone is bleeding, etc...'." ~ CaeruleumBleu
"She's probably mad at herself and frustrated, resulting in her taking it out on OP. It sucks, but we've all done it. She's missing out, and she knows it."
"Having a demanding job is stressful. It would be even more stressful with a malpractice suit because she was delirious during surgery. If it's that hard to wake up a parent (usually light sleepers), they probably need to sleep. NTA." ~ RecommendationBrief9
"She tried to wake her wife up, the wife was so out that she didn't wake up to what would normally wake someone up who wasn't all-out exhausted."
"If she would have violently shaken her awake like the house was on fire and your @ss needs to get up, that would have probably been a problem too."
"Everyone has a cell phone these days. She should have set an alarm and gotten herself up, as she is an adult, not a child."
"Also, she's a surgeon. She has a responsibility to her patients to be properly rested so she doesn't F-up and kill someone because she's overly tired." ~ FAFO8503
"If she slept for 12+ hours—assume she gets up early or at least between 5-7AM—then she NEEDED it. If anything she should have thanked OP for caring for the children and household efforts for the evening.
"Or if she didn't want that, then set a series of alarms, it isn't hard. NTA." ~ SmileParticular9396
"Your wife is a doctor. Don't ask us; ask her—if she had a patient who had worked as hard as she had, wanted to lay down for a couple of hours, but wouldn't wake up when prodded and slept all the way until morning, what would Dr. Wife say?"
"Because I'm betting she would tell that patient they clearly needed to sleep. NTA."
"Medice, cura te ipsum [Physician, heal thyself]." ~ J-Kensington
"I would not want someone this badly sleep-deprived performing surgery on me, so good on OP for letting her rest."
"She has years of family time ahead of her and quantity < quality if you aren't mentally there anyway." ~ xena_70
"NTA. You were not an a**hole for letting your wife sleep, considering how tired she was."
"You did it with good intentions, but from her perspective, missing out on family time—especially after expressing a desire to be woken up—might have felt like a missed opportunity to connect with you and the kids."
"Acknowledging her feelings and validating her disappointment can help." ~ Loud-Economist-3092
"My husband tries to pull this kind of stuff with me. He just turned 40 this year and still thinks he can lay down for a 3 hour nap after just working a long night shift and .... it's not possible."
"He will not wake up for anything—except the sound of our daughter sounding hurt. He bolted up so fast he lost his balance and hit the wall—and I finally think I've drilled the concept of not having the ability to do what you did in your 20s anymore."
"Some people just need to be realistic about what their bodies are telling them that they need." ~ Obvious_Huckleberry
"NTA. Just because she asked you to wake her up and you tried and tried, and she did not wake up, you can not be the a**hole."
"She is an ADULT; she can set up an alarm clock and wake up herself as ANY responsible adult would do."
"Everyone who says you are the a**hole are pushing your wife's responsibility to act like an adult onto you for some weird reason."
"If she told you not to let her do online shopping, and you actually stopped her from doing so, all those people criticizing would come saying she is an adult and she can do whatever she wants."
"Same here—if she wanted to wake up she should have made sure she would wake up." ~ I_am_wood_dog
"NTA. You tried to wake her up, but you couldn't."
"You should introduce her to our latest technology; it's gonna be mindblowing, it's gonna be shocking...ALARM CLOCKS!" ~ Competitive_Jump_744
Some felt there were no a**holes in this situation (NAH).
"NAH. She's not upset with you. She's stressed from work, and it's making her a little resentful that she is taking care of everyone else except herself and her family."
"I've worked in healthcare, including pre-hospital and ER, most of my working life. I've had this exact argument with my partner, and it wasn't fair of me when I did it either."
"I wasn't mad at him; I was stressed beyond my ability to cope well (even just short term) and was clinging on to strands of any enjoyment I could find."
"The only thing getting me through shifts sometimes would be, 'okay, I know when I get home, I've got 10 hours before I've got to be back, so I'll sleep for 6, and that gives me at least 2 for relaxation plus prep for work'."
"Those 2 hours were all I wanted. He'd let me sleep through my alarms because he reasonably assumed I obviously needed it, and then it would feel like all I'm doing is living to go to work and be stressed out constantly with no reprieve."
"You two have to talk and she has to be honest with herself about the real issue. Burnout is real and it's okay to recognize when a break is needed." ~ TiptoeStiletto
"NAH. If you've called to someone and then shake them but they aren't waking up, they probably need the rest."
"That said, she's understandably unhappy when she wanted to spend quality family time with you and the kids." ~ ironchef8000
"NAH. If she wasn't waking to calling or gentle shaking, then she needed that rest. I get that she is frustrated she missed family time, but her body was just doing what it needed."
"She can't blame you for this, and you did exactly what you needed; tried and she didn't wake. Not your fault, not her fault." ~ Own-Kangaroo6931
Hopefully the OP and her wife can come to an agreement about family time, sleep, and who is responsible for waking up whom.
Woman Irate After 'Misogynistic' Date 'Insults' Her In Front Of Waiter For Interrupting Him
While dating is supposed to be fun and the best way to find new love, some people are just not meant to date each other.
Fortunately, people can get out of dating someone, and no reason is too small or petty, members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit pointed out.
Redditor Mental_Driver_6134 had been dating a guy on and off for over a year, and while things were okay, there hadn't been a particular reason to make the relationship more serious.
When they went on a date, and the guy publicly insulted her for interrupting him and speaking out of turn, the Original Poster (OP) was not certain it was worth going on another date with him or continuing to string this situationship along.
She asked the sub:
At a restaurant, the OP's date wasn't being clear while speaking with the waiter.
"I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off. We discussed the order and were in a good mood overall."
"When the waiter came to take the order, he started explaining him something about his preference for a particular dish. Basically, he didn't want too much garlic in chili burnt garlic noodles."
"Everything was going fine, but I saw that he was taking too much time explaining it and wasn't really getting to the main point, which was less garlic."
"I chimed in and casually said, 'We just want less garlic.'"
"But I couldn't even complete the sentence before he said to me in front of the waiter, 'If you're gonna cut me off like this, I'm not giving any orders, okay?!' in the rudest way possible."
The moment ruined the date for the OP.
"I just went quiet after that. He quickly realized that he made a mistake and tried to cover up by saying that, 'Okay , I won't shout at you next time onwards.'"
"I was really p**sed off but didn't react much to avoid creating a scene."
"On our way back home, he started with his explanation. He said that I tried to make him feel small by cutting him off and lacked basic etiquette and that I should have at least said, 'Can I give my opinion here?- before cutting him off."
"It kept getting worse as he said that since he was the older one and 'The Man,' I should not have interrupted him and let him give the order."
"The whole tone was so misogynistic."
"He even mocked me for not knowing how to use chopsticks properly, which I didn't mind as basic banter, and I told him that there are forks and spoons kept here; it's not necessary to use the chopsticks (he ended up dropping his dumpling while explaining to me how to use chopsticks)."
"When the noodles came, he said that we could use forks then, and I was like, 'No, why not use chopsticks here, as well? You should watch more anime, maybe,' and he then went on to brag about having been to many five-star restaurants, which implied that he knew more than me and that I lacked any 'real experience.'"
The OP was over it by the end of the conversation.
"I was too exhausted from this; it seemed so nonsensical that I left later and told him to maintain a distance."
"Later he was saying that I'm stuck on such a small thing and that he won't shout again, but it was my mistake that I tried to cut him off (which wasn't my intention at all)."
"Also, sidenote: He's like four and a half years older than me. I met him last September and on and off many times with a few months of minimal contact. These offs end with him acting as if nothing happened."
"This incident was the calmest he's behaved if compared to past situations, so you can guess what the worst may have looked like."
"I only gave him a chance cause he was trying to control his anger issues. But I think you can't expect a 29-year-old to fix the misogyny."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she was right to be upset.
"He was s**tty, but it was her fault; I just love that. NOR."
"If she hadn’t interrupted his highness, none of this would have happened. Why can’t she just admit it?"
"I’m so glad I’m long out of the dating pool. There is no bar anymore; it’s what can I get from you while I treat you like s**t. Man, the good old days of dating are long over." - Shadow4summer
"NOR. The 'I'm the man' line revealed everything OP needs to know about him. He couldn't handle a simple, harmless interruption, so he tried to humiliate her in public to regain control. Taking his own dumpling dive while trying to act superior is peak karma, honestly." - virelaczi
"NOR! If a 'small' man tries to put you down in public on a date, run the eff away! It doesn’t matter if it’s two dates, two months, or two YEARS!" - Delicious_Winner_819
"Not overreacting, this man is clearly insecure and controlling. Not to mention a misogynist. Instead of being on and off, just be off. It's better to be single than to be with someone who tries to make you feel less than." - curiouscuriel
"'I know better than you.'"
"Should tell you ALL you need to know about this 'man'. Go and find somebody who will treat you as their person... and not an object. That is what is not sitting right with you."
"NOR. And bloody run!!! I wouldn't even give him the time of day after an experience like that." - pootling_1976
"My ex would constantly say, 'You're interrupting me.' I was not. He was a psycho."
"This is how it went, for example:"
"Him: I am ordering chicken and snow peas and white rice [long pause]."
"I start to say ANYTHING (the place is on effing fire!), and he would berate me, 'You interrupted me, you ALWAYS do that, I can never speak, blah, blah blah.'"
"I say, 'Lucifer (what I call him behind his back), you took a long pause. I waited, and I thought you were done.'"
"Then THAT becomes a pile of s**t convo, more berating... He was so manipulative and verbally abusive; I cannot even scratch the surface here."
"So, no. That date is a Lucifer, and you should never even speak to him again." - Belmontisnowhideous
Others pointed out that the OP didn't have to keep dating him if this is how she felt about him.
"Great news! You do not need to spend any more time with this guy." - Blue-flash
"If you marry this guy, this behavior will only get worse. He doesn’t respect women, and he probably never will. I'd stop dating him now before you waste more time." - Additional-Start9455
"NOR. Don’t waste another minute of your life on an angry man. He’ll get worse, not better. Just find a guy who doesn’t need fixing." - Broad_Pomegranate141
"I mean, him being an insufferable smug jerk is not a small thing."
"'I went on a dinner date with this guy who I've been with for over a year now, on and off.' But this strikes me as an elephant in the room."
"It isn't often that good, healthy relationships are on and off again. And given how profoundly rude he was, how immediately he doubled down, how condescending, etc., I can't help but think this isn't the first time he's been gross as a partner."
"NOR, but really ask yourself what you're doing here. This can't be the life you hoped for, and you know he isn't going to change as well." - Traeyze
"NOR. There's no way to live with this kind of man, honestly, and OP should definitely leave this guy."
"A year of on and off with kind of behavior is basically a preview of the next ten." - NoEar4226
"NOR. I've broken up with guys like that by telling them they were right all along. I'm just not smart enough for him. He deserves someone on his own level..."
"Hopefully he picks up the hint and does some self-reflection for his future dates (with other women)."
"For what it's worth, I have two post-graduate degrees." - PomeloPepper
"When someone treats you like s**t, you do NOT have to stay with them, no matter how long you've been together."
"Unfortunately, my therapist had to explain this to me a short time after I started seeing her because my parents never gave me any autonomy to make my own decisions. I didn’t know that I could just leave places that I didn’t feel safe in because it wasn’t an option for me until then."
"Some people do need to be given permission to do what’s best for them because of the way they were treated by their parents."
"Hopefully she does leave him because he sucks, and with the way he treats her, things will likely get worse for her." - Accomplished_Dig284
We've all heard the advice to not cry over spilled milk, but clearly, this date must fuss over garlicky noodles.
To the subReddit, it wasn't worth continuing to date a man who clearly had anger and control issues, especially given everything going on in society right now.
The OP would be better off staying single for a while or dating someone new, preferably someone who respects their differences about noodles and chopsticks.