Any of us who have been fortunate enough to have one of those lifelong, ride-or-die type of best friends knows how priceless that friendship is.
But sometimes when best friends start having kids, they get a little weird about it, like imagining their kids getting married someday, side-eyed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor CherryColaCoca1 was aware of how close her parents were with her friend, Jake’s, parents, while they were growing up, and even when they grew apart.
But when her parents tried to break up her happy engagement with her fiancé, so they could all be one big, happy family, the Original Poster (OP) was nothing short of appalled.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to go to my best guy friend’s wedding and telling my parents I am going to cut them off?”
The OP’s parents were close friends with her friend, Jake’s, parents.
“I grew up with my family and another family whose parents were best friends with mine since their high school years.”
“My parents had me (28 Female) and my two older brothers (31 Male and 35 Male), while their friends had four boys (27, 29, 30, and 37 Male).”
“Growing up was pretty nice, but the boys used to pick on me a lot and exclude me during their ‘girls are yucky’ phase. I wouldn’t say I see these boys as brothers, but maybe as cousins.”
“I was close to Adam (27 Male) and Jake (29 Male) when we were little. Until we were 15, we were really close and did a lot together.”
“I don’t talk to Jake much anymore. No hard feelings, but he grew up to be a classic tech bro and can be pretty condescending.”
The families were obsessed with the idea of the OP and Jake ending up together.
“Despite growing apart, our families are obsessed with the idea of us ending up together.”
“The other guys are already married, and Adam is gay. They’ve always pushed for us to be together (making us go to the store alone at Christmas, telling us both an earlier time to meet at the restaurant for Dad’s birthday, talking him up a lot, etc.).”
“Then both Jake and I met our significant others. I have been with my fiancé for five years, and Jake met his fiancée three years ago.”
“Our families have been very disappointed and have not welcomed our partners warmly at all.”
“One Christmas, I took Jake’s fiancée, Tracy, aside and explained the weird family lore to her. With Jake (just like we did with my fiancé), we assured her that it was just a weird thing of our family, and that Jake and I have not been close for ages and have never had more than a friendly relationship.”
“Ironically, having to stand against our parents made us all a little closer.”
The families even tried to break Jake and Tracy up before their wedding.
“But then we come to the real problem. Jake and Tracy are going to get married soon, and it has been chaos.”
“Our parents have upped their antics by 2000 percent. Family dinners have been full of ‘Aww, we thought you two would get married,’ and other comments.”
“They brought out a picture I apparently drew of me and Jake when we were little of us getting married (I suspect they made it. It did not look like it was made by an actual child).”
“They were cornering Tracy about making me the Matron of Honor and letting me wear white (what??).”
“Also, his brothers and my brothers joined in, making jokes about us being star-crossed lovers and calling me ‘The Missus.'”
“I distanced myself heavily from my family during that time and stopped going home after talking to them did nothing.”
Then the OP’s brothers did something unforgivable.
“One day, one of my brothers invited me out. He said it was just my two brothers and me.”
“So, I went to his apartment, and when I arrived, it was Jake’s bachelor party.”
“One of his brothers screamed out, ‘The stripper’s here’ (f**king ew).”
“I wanted to leave, but the next train left close to 12 a.m., and it was not the safest neighborhood. Tracy and my fiancé were both working night shifts, and UBER in our area is super expensive.”
“So, I stayed. They tried to get me drunk, they were constantly physically pushing me and Jake together, and they even locked us in my brother’s bedroom. I could hear loud laughing from the other side.”
“Jake and I did not talk much. He apologized to me and asked me if I could not come to the wedding as I made Tracy uncomfortable. I completely understood and said at that point I was not planning to go anymore.”
“He offered to drive me home as he was also completely sober. When they opened the door, he said we were going home. In their heads, that meant we were going to be intimate or something because all the caveman sounds started.”
That was enough to spur the rest of the family on.
“The next day, my phone was blowing up. Someone uploaded a video of me and Jake leaving and captioned it, ‘Finally!'”
“It was very awkward. In the video, I am clearly uncomfortable, and so is Jake as we exit the apartment and enter his car. There were comments, calls, and texts.”
“Tracy called me, crying and cursing me out. Jake called me, apologizing and telling me he tried to explain.”
“My mother and his mother sent me a bunch of texts saying how proud they were and that it was about time.”
“My fiancé has been understanding, but he wants me to make clearer boundaries with my family.”
The OP lashed out at her family for their behavior.
“I rode past their house on my bike, and they were all there. They didn’t even let me talk and were just love-bombing me.”
“I started screaming and told them Jake and I have never and will never be together, and I will not be leaving my loving fiancé.”
“I said that I would not be going to Jake’s wedding, and if they kept up with this, I would cut every single one of them off because I am tired and just want to live my life and not their incest fairy tale.”
“By the end of my meltdown, my mother and his mother were crying, and my father just told me to get out.”
“Since then, I have been getting messages from my brothers calling me a b***h for treating my family like that because they only wanted the best for me.”
“So, AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that her responses were totally justified.
“NTA. Both families are insane, and your brothers are gross for even participating in this disaster.”
“You and Jake have made it clear that you are not interested in each other romantically, and you are currently both engaged to other people. However, both sets of parents and siblings’ incessant behavior are adding fuel to the fire and causing a divide, but are blaming you for their disregard and ignorance.”
“I’m baffled and stunned that these adults think that what they are doing is okay. They are being selfish and manipulative and need to look in the mirror and examine their immature and abhorrent behavior instead of insulting and putting blame on you.” – Bella_Rose36
“NTA. I grew up in a similar situation with a close friend of mine, and it didn’t really stop until she came out a couple of years back. Her mother still refers to me as her ‘son’ and talks about what could have been, even though I’m now engaged and her daughter is, again, gay.”
“It drives me crazy that parents try to force s**t like this on their kids.” – Mean_Nefariousness25
“It sounds like a fantasy the two families built up over your lifetime that just got stronger over the years. I think it’s time for a time-out. I’d write up an email or letter or text and mass send it to your brothers, (who are disgusting, by the way, for their behavior at the bachelor party) and parents.”
“Don’t bother with the other family. They aren’t yours to deal with.”
“Let them know in detail how they’ve hurt and upset you over this issue, and tell them you’re on a time out from contact with any of them. Tell them that if they offer sincere apologies, you’ll consider allowing them back in your life, but until that time you’re going to concentrate on building your life with your partner.”
“Then block everyone. I think your mental health will improve immensely with that stress removed.” – ZookeepergameOld8988
“To put it not so nicely as ‘Zookeeper’: Your family has gone off the fricking deep end.”
“Look: your brothers basically tried to human traffic you just to ruin a wedding. That’s nuts.”
“When it didn’t work, they still took videos and actually ruined that wedding anyway.”
“This stuff is up there with ‘diabolical.’ This is not right.”
“Everyone involved and everyone supporting these maniacs needs to be cut off.”
“And, personally, I can’t even imagine the apology any of them could make for me to let them back into my life.” – boogers19
“OP, this won’t change. They got the idea in their heads, and it became their joint obsession. They are certain that this is right. Unless you send a bomb that affects their lives, like exposing this madness to the world, they won’t stop.”
“They will make life h**l for you and Jake, even if they have to destroy your relationships to do so. In fact, they are already doing this. You need to find ways to protect your image and those who care about them. This goes for you AND Jake.” – Responsible-Front900
Others agreed and encouraged the OP and Jake to go no contact with their families.
“Go low contact, and do not go to the wedding. All this will die down once one of you is married to your significant other. If it doesn’t die down, then it’s time to go from low contact to no contact.” – Cookie_Monstahh4
“I think you know how to deal with it. You need to go no contact. Yes, it’s going to be tough, because they’re going to bombard you, but it will be worth it.”
“What joy or benefit do they bring to your life? Or are you simply seeing them as ‘they’re family’? You know they’re never going to accept your significant other, and I hate to think how any kids you may have will be treated.”
“By removing yourself from the s**t show, then you get to put yourself first and not have to put up with their ‘fantasy family.'”
“If extended family starts pressuring you, I’d explain the situation and basically say that your own brothers wanted you to play stripper for another man, and not even your significant other, and locked you in a room with the man in question.”
“They literally treated you like a sexual object, that is not okay, and they clearly have no respect for women.” – bookgeek1987
“I’d add something like the timeout will be at least one year. Make them go through every holiday without OP. Without even a message from OP. They have to understand that this is serious. If they refuse to apologize, then they also need counseling before she speaks to them. They would still need to apologize. Each and every one of them.”
“I’d call out the parents for establishing this expectation that has turned into a demand. I’d call out the brothers for participating and for tricking her into going to the bachelor party, for locking her in a room with Jake (I believe that’s kidnapping), and for trying to ruin her relationship with her fiance.”
“If it would help, blast them all on social media so that everyone knows what they’ve been doing.” – BlazingSunflowerland
“I’m sorry to say that it very likely won’t die down post-wedding. They have no respect for their children, their partners, or their relationship.”
“To their families, OP and Jake are tools to be used to get the result they want – joining the families. Doesn’t matter if they have kids of their own, there is always divorce. They went so far as to try and make it appear like they were cheating on their spouses to break their relationships up.”
“OP’s entire family, brothers included, need to be cut out completely. Full no contact for a couple of years and then low contact to see if they’ve changed at all. I highly doubt they will, though, considering the lengths they have gone to.”
“They aren’t going to learn though as long as they ‘get away with it’, and by that I mean OP and Jake keep relationships with these people.” – JustasICanBeSoCruel
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update in another post.
“My fiancé are going to elope in two months and celebrate with one friend each. We didn’t tell my parents and we’re planning on celebrating next year with my partner’s family, and my family if things seriously change.”
“We spoke and concluded that cutting out my family for now would be the best option.”
“I sent a message to my parents and brothers explaining my decision to distance myself for the time being. I emphasized that while I love them, I cannot continue to endure their pressure and manipulation. I told them their behavior had made me resent them and, to some extent, Jake.”
“They ruined any friendly relationship we could have had and made me feel gross and exploited… I also told them that their controlling behavior was the reason I never told them about anything in my life.”
“I told them it hurts to be with them, and I am in a bad mood for days after meeting them. I never look forward to holidays with them and have caught myself wishing I would get into an accident or get sick before the holidays to have an excuse not to go. They cut themselves out of my life, and they will not be there when I get married, have kids, or in any other life achievements.”
Jake and the OP were beginning to separate from their families.
“After sending the message, I left the group, blocked them all, and felt really light. I cried with my fiancé for hours, and I didn’t really know if it was tears of sadness, relief, or happiness. I was so conflicted. I just kind of fell asleep.”
“Jake has also cut his part of the family off. According to Tracy, he just went to their home, dumped a sack of their stuff on the table, told them to stay the f**k away from him, and left.”
“His mother tried reaching out to me, and my father tried reaching out to Jake. Our fiancés had been targeted by them too.”
The OP’s family unsuccessfully tried to get the police involved.
“My parents sent the police to my house, claiming my fiancé had me there against my will.”
“We talked to the police. They couldn’t do much but assured me that they would leave a note in their database clarifying that I was not being abused.”
“I also asked how to go about a no-contact order, and they pointed me to resources.”
“They also said they would tell my parents to leave me alone and noted that should they make false reports, they would have to cover the cost of the drive out to me.”
The OP and Jake continued to distance themselves from their families further.
“As of Friday, we have different numbers!”
“Tracy is coming over this afternoon, and I am taking her to my nail salon, and afterward, we are going to a game store because she really wants to play some escape games.”
“Jake and I are still not close, and he is also not close to my fiancé. But he is happy that we have carved out a healthy space and that Tracy is so comfortable with me now in such a short span of time. They are reevaluating their wedding plans, but I won’t disclose more here.”
“That was it. It was only a week, and I don’t see this going much further. My parents are probably going to keep contacting me, but it’s going to be all right. We are all all right.”
Though the subReddit could empathize with the OP and understood how hard it could be to separate from family, they believed that was exactly what Jake and the OP needed to do. According to the update, they seemed to be taking initial steps and feeling relieved already.
It might be fun to imagine friends becoming family because two people’s kids fell in love, but that’s hardly something that should be expected or planned out. It seemed like the rest of the family would be happy daydreaming together while the OP and Jake went off to start their own families.