If we know someone quite well, it can be easy, not to mention tempting, to tease them with their known triggers.
Even if no one particularly enjoys being teased, it's easy enough for them to laugh along, knowing it's not out of malice, but coming from a place of love.
This is, of course, a very slippery slope, as it doesn't take a lot for a joke to go too far, and become no laughing matter.
Particularly if it goes from mocking someone's trigger points, to full on attacking them.
Redditor asknat770 was diagnosed with a condition as a child that her family seemed to be understanding of.
However, a family member that lived with the original poster (OP) recently pushed her condition to its absolute boundaries.
Resulting in a tense exchange of words between the OP and this live-in family member.
Wondering if she might have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling a family member off for purposely triggering my OCD?"
The OP explained how a family member she lived with inexcusably crossed a line:
"Hello I am 23 F[emale] and I had a disagreement with a family member 60 M[ale] over an incident."
"I am living with them and overall we have a very good and supportive relationship, but something that happened today really upset me."
"I was diagnosed with OCD as a child and have been in therapy/on medication for it since."
"It's something I've spent a lot of time working on and I'm very proud of the progress I have made."
"My OCD is about contamination/germs."
"My FM has known about my diagnosis since I got it and I have spent a lot of time talking to him about it."
"I even bought a book about living with someone with OCD as I know it can be difficult."
"He has been a huge supporter of my recovery even though he doesn't fully understand it."
"However, today as I was making coffee I saw that he came out of the bathroom without washing his hands."
"I playfully gave him a hard time and encouraged him to wash his hands."
"He did and we both joked about it and it felt like it ended fine."
"Later, when I was making lunch he came out of the bathroom again without washing his hands."
"I could hear him approaching me and I asked if he washed his hands."
"He laughed and said no before wiping his hands on the sides of my sweatshirt and pants."
"I was so shocked I ran out of the room to go change."
"After, I came back down and said that I thought it was a mean thing to do and that it was very upsetting and that not washing your hands after using the restroom is inconsiderate as well as an immature habit to have at his age."
"He begrudgingly apologized, but acted like I was lecturing him for no reason."
"To be clear, I never raised my voice- I was definitely a bit stern but I felt it was necessary."
"While I don't expect him to keep track of all my triggers I feel like that is something that would upset anyone- OCD or no OCD."
"Especially within hours of our first conversation about the importance of washing hands after using the restroom."
"AITA for lecturing him about doing something he knew would be upsetting?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling off her family member.
Everyone agreed that, OCD or not, what the OP's family member did was rude, unhygienic, and invasive, and he absolutely deserved to be called out for his behavior.
"NTA."
"That is just disgusting."
"I do not have OCD."
"But I will send you back to wash your hands if you leave the bathroom without washing."
"I don't care who you are, or how old you are."- Fickle_Toe1724
"NTA."
"A lot of the people in these comments are revealing themselves as nasty germ-spreaders."
"I have OCD, not contamination OCD, but I still understand what that must have felt like for you."
"And it is your business if he washes his hands after using the bathroom."
"He's touching shared things and could get you sick."
"Did we not learn this as children?"
"Whether you have OCD or not, people not washing their hands after coming out of the bathroom should bother you."
"It's disgusting."
"Especially if you immediately go touching things in the kitchen."
"This is why I don't eat other people's food."- Melodic-Maize-7125
"NTA."
"I don't have OCD but I would have freaked out and definitely reacted much more strongly than you did."- Numerous-Dimension76
"NTA."
"OCD or not he's just gross."- Rabbid0Luigi
"NTA this is nothing to do with OCD you realize."
"This is rude and gross to everyone."- Equivalent-Ad5449
"NTA, at all."
"That's pretty disgusting in general not to even use hand sanitizer if you don't wash your hands."
"Even more disgusting to purposely rub his hands on you."
"Also, I feel like the people saying YTA are the type of people who don't wash up after using the bathroom. Same with the people telling you to move out."- Intelligent_Menu8004
"NTA."
"Not washing hands after using the bathroom is disgusting even to people who don't have OCD."- Purple_Paper_Bag
"NTA."
"That is gross to most people who know how to adult."
"But I have to wonder whether or not he's that supportive or if he actually wants you living there if he's behaving that way."- C_Majuscula
"These comments are… disturbing."
"Wash your hands people."
"NTA."- FalconAlternative282
"NTA."
"But he is keeping track of your triggers, because otherwise he wouldn't have wiped his hands on your clothes."- onitshaanambra
"NTA."
"I don't have OCD, but using a toilet without washing your hands afterwards is simply disgusting."
"Good on you for calling them out."- hollyjazzy
"I don't have OCD and that would absolutely gross me out."
"NTA."
"That's literally so rude."- picklepowerPB
"NTA."
"Fellow ocd contamination sufferer."
"I recently found out my partner does not always wash their hands after the bathroom."
"But this was not the bombshell either- apparently when we were first together for maybe like the first two years they BLEW THEIR NOSE INTO OUR HAND TOWELS."
"It was horrifying to think I used that on my face some times."
"I'm sure the pandemic has made things harder for you as it has for me."- Deanwinchester7
"NTA."
"That behavior is gross in any context."- SensitiveDrink5721
"Yuck NTA."
"The OCD is completely irrelevant here, wiping your unwashed hands on someone is absolutely disgusting and offensive."
"While I'm certain you understand that we cannot control/force others to do things the way we want them to, your FM was out of line."
"I don't think expecting people to wash their hands after using the toilet is particularly out of line to be honest."
"It's a very common hygiene standard."- ProfessionalGrade423
"NTA."
"He is a grown man that knows better."
"He literally is doing it on purpose."- sparkiemas
"NTA."
"I also have contamination OCD."
"I can't imagine a family member doing this to me when they know how hard I struggle with it."
"While you shouldn't be policing others habits, not washing your hands after using the bathroom is disgusting."
"Even people without OCD are grossed out by that."
"Wiping his hands on you is unacceptable."
"He should never touch someone without their consent, even if he's family."
"It sounds like you handled it fairly well, considering how big of a trigger that can be."
"You were respectful and politely told him that's not okay."
"I hope your family member learns from this situation."- Legitimate_Owl7052
"NTA."
"I have contamination OCD too."
"My heart started racing just reading this."
"I would have freaked out!"
"So sorry that happened."- gloomgirl2
"NTA."
"That sounds like a deliberate use of your OCD trigger, all right."
"He had to know you would react badly to it, but he did it anyway."
"No one should EVER come out of the washroom without washing hands!"
"It's one of the first rules when we are children, for heaven's sake."
"It's common sense."
"There are over one quadrillion various germs in just one gram of feces."
"Sorry if that triggers you, too, OP, I'm just trying to make a point."
"Even if he hadn't wiped his hands on YOUR clothes, it still would have been gross and disgusting."
"It's such a simple thing to wash your hands, and such a risk to yourself and others if you don't do it."
"I don't think your OCD matters in this case; anyone would probably react badly to seeing him return from the bathroom and then wiping his hands on their clothing."
"That's something a 4-year-old might do, to get attention from mommy, even though a 4-year-old should already know about germs and how to avoid them."
"Sorry you had to deal with this."
"I hope he gets the message and doesn't do it again."- LonelyOwl68
The fact that this family member needed to be told how awful his behavior was is concerning.
The only thing that would be more concerning is if he did know how shamefully he behaved, and went through with it anyway.
Regardless, the OP might want to begin looking for a new living situation that doesn't involve this family member, sooner rather than later.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp