While many people think of babies as little miracles, it’s true that not all babies are planned.
Sometimes people intend to have children but have them sooner than they meant to, or they end up with more kids than they originally thought because of having twins. Of course, there are the genuine “accidents,” as well.
If parents are going to be honest with their kids about the origin of their birth, it’s important to point out the difference between being “an accident” and being unwanted, stated the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor AstronomerFlat5557 was mortified when her husband made a joke about their daughter only being in their lives because “a condom broke,” and she saw how much it hurt her teenage daughter’s feelings.
When her daughter started making back-handed comments about being unwanted and being an inconvenience, the Original Poster (OP) urged her husband to apologize before more damage was done.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my husband that he created this mess and he needs to fix it?”
The OP’s daughter and son had very different birth stories but were equally wanted.
“My husband and I always planned on having kids. It ended up happening a couple of years before we planned due to a condom breaking. I didn’t mind, though; I was super happy to welcome our daughter, Belinda.”
“A few years later, we started trying again for a second, but it took us a little bit to conceive, and we ended up having to use IVF. The doctors never figured out why I couldn’t get pregnant ‘the old fashioned way’ the second time, but after one round, my husband and I welcomed our son, Phillip.”
“Belinda is now 15, and Phillip is 9.”
That didn’t make a joke that the OP’s husband made any less hurtful.
“A close family friend of ours is going through their own infertility journey. My husband and I were discussing it.”
“I mentioned something about IVF, and Phillip asked what that was. I explained and then added, ‘We used that to have you.'”
“Belinda asked if we used IVF to have her.”
“I was about to answer, ‘No’ and that we didn’t need to, and leave it at that, when my husband butted in with, ‘No, you’re here because the condom broke,’ laughing.”
“Belinda immediately looked hurt.”
“We’ve had ‘the talk’ and have discussed that sometimes condoms aren’t effective, how to use them properly and other forms of birth control, so she understood exactly what he was saying.”
“I quickly added, ‘You were a surprise but a much welcomed surprise. We always planned on having kids, it just happened a few years sooner than expected.'”
“Belinda just nodded and quietly said, ‘Okay,’ but I could tell she was really upset.”
The OP’s husband only made the situation worse by not apologizing to Belinda.
“I later told my husband to apologize and make sure she understands that she’s loved and wanted.”
“He told me I was overreacting.”
“I spoke with Belinda and told her she was loved and wanted. She seemed to feel a little better, but still wasn’t completely happy.”
“It’s been a few weeks and Belinda has made little jabs here and there. Not in a playful way, clearly she’s still hurt. She’ll say things to her dad like, ‘Well, clearly, as I was some big mistake,’ and ‘Sorry for inconveniencing you.'”
“My husband got fed up and told her she’s being dramatic and he didn’t mean anything by that comment. He later told me to tell her to cut it out.”
“I said no. He said it, he made her feel like crap, and he hasn’t spoken to her about it since. He has to deal with the consequences of that.”
“She’s a sensitive teenage girl, that’s a scary combination when they feel rejected and unwanted by their fathers.”
“My husband is now saying I’m in the wrong.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some completely agreed with the OP that the apology needed to come from the dad.
“NTA. ‘He said it, made her feel like crap, and hasn’t spoken to her about it since. He has to deal with the consequences of that.’ Why is this even a question?” – Artistic-Tough-7764
“A thousand moments like this, with no apologies from my parents and being told I’m sensitive, are why we are no contact today.”
“Relationships shrink to the size of repair. If OP’s husband values having a relationship with his daughter when she’s older, he needs to learn how to apologize yesterday.” – Opening-Ad-6509
“As a former ‘sensitive teenage girl,’ I agree 100% with you, OP! My dad and I had issues because he had a similar attitude when I was a teen (I needed to just ‘get over it’ when he hurt my feelings with his constant sarcasm and teasing).”
“I love my dad and I always knew he loved me, but it did damage that will never be fully repaired. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone else, especially someone like you who’s trying to fix the problem but might suffer the consequences because of your husband.” – notthoughtfulname
“Growing up, my mom never apologized for anything horrible she did or said; only my dad ever did. Dad would sometimes try to mitigate on her behalf and it just made me angry at my Dad for being an apologist for her behavior.”
“The transitive property doesn’t work here; the one who caused the hurt needs to be the one to offer healing.” – Lovelyesque1
“That your husband expected YOU to fix it suggests his relationship with his daughter is so thin, he fears further effort by him will be unpleasant, that he has no idea how to talk to her.”
“That may be why she took it so hard. Apparently, he can joke about her but cannot have positive conversations with her. Imagine if she tried to go to him for help with a problem.” – 2ndcupofcoffee
“NTA. He told his kid they were an accident… basically a mistake. He deserves the full weight of the repercussions of his stupidity and callousness.”
“What an a**hole. I know he meant it as a joke but come on dude, take your head out of your a**. You’re not sitting around razing your buddies, this is your teenage daughter.”
“He insulted his child and hurt her, made her feel unwanted and like some mistake. Now he wants to throw a hissy fit and demand his wife make her stop being mean to him cause boo hoo.'”
“Ugh. Nope. You’re totally right. He made this mess, and he needs to face the consequences.” – acegirl1985
Others agreed and urged the dad to apologize soon before more damage was done.
“Honestly, this statement alone isn’t really cause for that kind of reaction from the daughter. The daughter probably had a moment where she realized all of the little things were because ‘he didn’t want her.'”
“As you get older, you can tell. My parents had me when they were in their 40s after having an almost grown child and would repeatedly tell me that I was a mistake (along with other really s**tty things).”
“That never really bothered me until I realized that they put zero effort into being parents and that was why. I was just kinda there, what could they do about it now? Ya know?” – FeralEnvironmentalist
“This is the crux of the issue. A huge percentage of the population is conceived unintentionally, but it’s not a big deal because it normally doesn’t affect the quality of the parent-child relationship.”
“My youngest was a whoops, and she proudly announces, ‘I was a happy accident!'”
“It’s only an issue in OP’s case because the comment reframed the daughter’s understanding of her father’s comments and behaviors.” – unlimited_insanity
“NTA. Your husband’s comment was insensitive and has clearly left your daughter feeling hurt and unwanted. Even if he intended it as a joke, his remark, especially in the context of a sensitive topic like conception, has long-lasting emotional effects.” – i_need_sunny
“I’m sure this was especially coming hard on the heels of a discussion about using IVF to conceive her brother. She’s old enough to have some idea that IVF is expensive, invasive, etc., and the contrast of a broken condom was probably really painful for her.”
“She probably heard, ‘You were a mistake we didn’t want’ vs ‘We wanted your brother so much, we spent thousands of dollars and endured painful medical procedures to have him.'”
“Obviously, that’s not the full situation, and I’m sure OP does love both her children equally (less sure about her husband based on this post), but it must have been hard for their daughter to hear and register that contrast.” – Potential-Savings-65
“It shouldn’t be such a huge issue for him to apologize, and by prolonging the issue, he’s making it worse. This is something the daughter will never forget, she will now look for ways that her brother is favored since she wasn’t ‘wanted.'”
“The dad needs to deal with this fast and maybe even consult a therapist. Things like this fester; they don’t go away.” – CJaneNorman
“Why is he telling you to tell your daughter to cut it out? Is he incapable of talking to his daughter himself?”
“He’s too lazy and immature to have this conversation himself, so he’s passing off the emotional labor to his wife.”
“And then to top it all off, now the daughter is clearly combining that info with a lot of other small things he did, for her this an eureka. I bet she felt rejected by him before.”
“Mom needs to keep digging and Dad needs to wake up, this is it. Here is the big moment, either he does it right or the self-loathing spiral starts. Clock is ticking 10 ticks at a time in this case. His little girl is facing a road split as we speak.”
“It’s not about her being dramatic or not; it’s about him being a good father. It’s make it or break it time.” – baurette
“NTA.”
“Your daughter is still hurt. Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and talk to her.”
“It’s silly of him to drag it out – you can obviously prove to your daughter she’s loved – after all you liked having a child like her so much you were willing to pay a small fortune to get one more!”
“So to you, that unplanned pregnancy was like winning the lottery!”
“My youngest brother was a broken condom result. It bothered him for years, until he had his first child, who also was unplanned.” – PetrogradSwe
While the subReddit could understand how this was intended to be a harmless joke in the beginning, what’s important is that it was not taken as a joke, and an apology needed to be made before more damage could be done.
By being offended that his daughter “took things out of proportion,” the dad was prioritizing his own feelings over the very hurt feelings of his daughter, who likely was reevaluating her entire relationship with her family and her existence in the world, a thought process not to be taken lightly.
While “I didn’t mean it that way” is generally not the beginning of a genuine apology, even the dad reassuring his daughter that he was teasing her and did not mean it in a harmful way would be a start in the right direction.