Some families share special, sentimental items that are shared throughout the generations of the family, which allows everyone to feel closer to one another and to celebrate their bond.
When an item is specifically handed down from one person to another, like from a mother to a daughter, the item can feel priceless, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Alert_Candidate_8892 received her late mother’s wedding dress from her before she passed away, with her mother specifically telling her that she wanted her to have it.
When her future sister-in-law wanted to use the dress to bond with the mother-in-law she never got to meet, the Original Poster (OP) refused, wanting to protect the dress and preserve that bond she had with her late mother.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to let my brother’s fiancée wear my late mother’s wedding dress?”
The OP was given her late mother’s wedding dress before she passed away.
“I (30 Female) lost my mom five years ago.”
“Before she passed, she gave me her wedding dress. She told me she wanted me to have it, whether I chose to wear it at my own wedding, repurpose it, or just to keep it as a memory of her.”
“It’s one of the most sentimental things I own.”
The OP’s future sister-in-law (SIL), Laura, asked her an unexpected question.
“My older brother, Jake (33 Male), is getting married in a few months to his fiancée, Laura (29 Female). We have a good relationship, but we’re not super close.”
“Last week, Laura asked if we could meet up for coffee, and that’s when she dropped a bombshell.”
“She told me she had always dreamed of wearing a ‘meaningful’ dress when she got married and thought it would be so special if she could wear my mom’s wedding dress.”
“She said it would be a beautiful way to honor my mom at the wedding.”
The OP was uncomfortable with the idea of sharing her late mother’s dress.
“I was completely caught off guard. I told her that while I appreciated her sentiment, my mom gave the dress to me, and it was very personal.”
“I wasn’t comfortable letting someone else wear it, especially because I still might want to use it in some way for my own wedding one day.”
“Laura immediately got upset and said I was being selfish. She told me it wasn’t fair because she never got to meet my mom, and this would be a way for her to feel connected to her.”
“She also said my mom would have wanted her to wear it since she’s joining the family.”
“I stood my ground and told her no. I suggested she find another way to incorporate my mom’s memory, maybe by wearing a piece of my mom’s jewelry or a pair of her shoes, but Laura said that wasn’t the same.”
The family was divided over the OP’s concerns about the dress.
“Now my brother is involved, and he told me I should reconsider because it would mean a lot to Laura. He said I was being unnecessarily difficult over ‘just a dress.'”
“Even some of my relatives are saying I should ‘think about the bigger picture’ and how this would be a touching tribute.”
“I feel guilty, but at the same time, this dress means the world to me.”
“AITAH for refusing to let her wear it?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was okay to be protective of her mother’s wedding dress.
“NTA. Your mother left it to YOU. Your decision is final. No one gets to tell you otherwise.” – BeneficialSundae6174
“Excuse me, SHE is being selfish by demanding you relinquish a special memento from your mom. The fact that the fiancée never met her is just another reason why she shouldn’t wear it. She is just looking for something and latched onto the dress.”
“Wearing your mom’s jewelry is a perfect way to honor her. NTA.” – Suzdg
“The sister-in-law is treating this like stealing valor! She’s acting like a ‘pick me’ and trying WAY TOO HARD to be considered ‘family.’ Which means she’s pretty insecure about OP’s brother.” – Candid_Jellyfish_240
“Don’t bother loaning jewelry or anything else to the ungrateful woman. She won’t return it, and it’ll just cause more drama.”
“If you do loan the jewelry, take pics and have her sign a contract. If she doesn’t return them immediately in the same condition, you can take legal action.”
“This goes for anything you loan her. And don’t let her have access to anything if she’s at your house. And don’t let anyone have keys to your house in case of emergency, because she might think her wedding is an emergency and let herself in to help herself to your stuff.” – LibraryMouse4321
“NTA. Don’t be guilted into hurting yourself for others. You said No. Everyone trying to push you is showing you huge disrespect.”
“If you had a sister that was asking to wear the dress, a discussion would be reasonable. There should be no question that you get the right and privilege of wearing your mother’s dress.”
“It is not just a dress. It was a moment when your mother was glowing with happiness imprinted in that fabric. It is a way for her to share in that same moment and feeling with you. Don’t let anyone intrude on that moment you will share, especially since she is gone.”
“Just to say to all those *#%@& in your family: what could be a better and more touching tribute than HER DAUGHTER wearing her wedding dress. You know, for the bigger picture.” – Qwillpen1912
“The fact that the fiancée of your brother is basically demanding you to wear let her wear your mother’s wedding dress because… The woman who never met the deceased mother…”
“…And that she thinks it’s fair and would respect mother’s wishes because it would be respecting your mother at the wedding, AND that the deceased mother would approve of her wearing the dress to ‘welcome’ her into the family.”
“Get off the high horse, and go buy your own d**n wedding dress. You are NOT AH.” – kkaavvbb
Others pointed out that if the OP lent the dress to her sister-in-law, she would not receive the same wedding dress back.
“Most wedding dresses have to be adjusted to the bride for that perfect fit. The wedding dress as it is now is to OP’s mother on her wedding day. For it to fit OP’s brother’s fiancée perfectly, it will have to be fitted to her, destroying the current measurements.”
“Also considering the fact that the lack of respect the fiancée is showing OP’s feelings, I would be concerned that she would think to alter the dress beyond the alterations to fit (dying, shortening, making drastic changes to the style) to make it perfect for her big day.”
“Don’t think its a good sign when a bride is so transfixed that the wedding will either be perfect or ruined based on that one element being her way. It might be worth it for OP to look for a similar secondhand wedding dress to act as a decoy.” – Acceptable-Net-154
“Even if the OP and her sister-in-law are the same size and the dress would fit both of them, wedding dresses get dirty in weddings from food, dirt, grass, other people’s shoes, and sweat.”
“She’s looking for a free dress cause dresses are expensive.” – naivemetaphysics
“The bride should wear her own mother’s dress if she wants to be sentimental. Judging from the ages here the dress is probably from the late 80s or early 90s. A lot of those dresses didn’t age well because they were over the top.”
“The SIL would probably want to change it in some way or alter it to fit her, and then the OP would never get her mother’s dress back, even if you got A DRESS back. I say OP should hold firm.” – neon_crone
“NTA.”
“This is your inheritance. No one else is entitled to it. If anyone is being selfish or difficult, it’s your future SIL and brother. The audacity is shocking.”
“Put the dress where no one in the family can get it because this is something they may very well try to do.” – lilolememe
“It’s a free dress, but I’m going to guess she’s a narcissist, and if she wears the sentimental dress, everyone will be fawning over her and telling her how special it is. She’ll take all of that special attention from the OP ever wearing the dress. That’s what she really wants out of the deal.”
“And… the OP will NEVER get the dress back because it will ‘mean so much to the SIL’ now…!! Not to mention alterations and updates… This is a nightmare to ruin a lifetime in the making.”
“NTA… Do NOT give in. I also bet she doesn’t stay married to the brother for more than five years.” – grrlzilla
While the subReddit could understand the sister-in-law’s desire to be connected to the family, specifically to her future husband’s parents, they were certain this was not the way to do it.
It would make much more sense for the OP to maintain this connection with her mother, and the sister-in-law could pick out a dress that was more tailored to her, and if she really wanted to connect with her late mother-in-law, she could wear a piece of her jewelry instead.