Anyone who has been through financial hardship can attest to how quickly that hardship can turn from an inconvenience to a serious, possibly insurmountable problem.
But usually, there are things that can be done to lesson the financial hardship, like making different spending choices for a while or cutting back on a few things, reasoned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted his account, had a home that he loved and personalized to his tastes and interests. His brother, on the other hand, had a larger home that he, his wife, and their children needed, and along with making other questionable financial choices, the couple found it difficult to make their mortgage payments.
When they reached the point of actually losing their home, the Original Poster (OP) knew that they could have made better financial choices and refused to house them.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to let my brother’s family stay with me after they lost their home?”
The OP worked hard to make his house his very own home.
“I (34 Male) own a modest three-bedroom house that I bought five years ago.”
“I live alone and use one bedroom as my home office (I work from home full-time) and the other as a guest room/hobby space where I keep my music equipment and gaming setup.”
The OP’s brother and sister-in-law, however, made less responsible choices in their home.
“My brother (38 Male) and his wife (36 Female) recently lost their home due to financial issues.”
“They have three kids (12 Female, 10 Male, and 7 Female).”
“Their financial problems stem from a series of poor decisions.”
“My brother lost his good-paying job two years ago after repeatedly showing up late, then bounced between jobs while his wife worked part-time.”
“They kept their kids in expensive private schools and activities they couldn’t afford, refused to downsize from their large house, and ignored my parents’ and my advice about budgeting.”
“Eventually, they couldn’t keep up with mortgage payments and were foreclosed on.”
The OP refused to take them in when they needed it, knowing they could have prevented it.
“When they lost their home, they asked if they could stay with me ‘just for a few months’ until they get back on their feet.”
“Here’s where I might be the AH: I said no. Here are my reasons:”
“My house is simply too small for six people. They’d need to take over my entire living space.”
“I need my home office to work, and I can’t work effectively with three kids running around.”
“I value my peace and quiet, and frankly, I don’t want my life turned upside down.”
“Their ‘few months’ could easily turn into a year or more based on their financial history.”
“My parents offered to let them stay in their larger home, but they refused because they ‘don’t want to live by my parents’ rules.'”
The OP did try to offer other accommodations to help, however.
“Instead of letting them stay, I offered to pay for a hotel for two weeks and help them find an affordable apartment. I also offered to cover their security deposit.”
“My brother exploded, calling me selfish and saying I have plenty of space and am ‘choosing things over family.'”
“My parents are torn. They understand my position but think I could ‘make it work temporarily.'”
The family actively shamed the OP for his actions.
“Since then, my brother’s family moved in with my parents (despite not wanting to earlier).”
“I’m getting constant texts from extended family about how I abandoned my brother in his time of need.”
“My brother’s wife is also posting passive-aggressive things on social media about ‘finding out who your real family is during hard times.'”
“AITAH for not letting them stay with me?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were certain the brother’s family would never respect the OP’s house rules and might even try to take over his house.
“The brother’s family would basically be taking over the house because of the sheer quantity of people. He’d never get rid of them as they’d settle in and get comfy real fast.”
“The brother might even have the audacity to suggest that OP move out and let brother and family have the house. I’ve seen it before.” – floofienewfie
“NTA. It’s not YOUR responsibility to fix what your brother let fall apart. They should have managed their money better to avoid this situation.”
“Who in their right mind would move an entire family into a house that does not easily accommodate them? You’re house is set up for you.”
“I’m sure you would end up being their personal babysitter, as well. Things would get damaged, or if they dont want to follow your parents rules, I’m sure they arent going to want to follow yours, either.” – CarrieLee0407
“You KNOW they would want one bedroom for the adults and AT LEAST one bedroom for the children.”
“With their sense of entitlement, they would probably expect OP to sleep on the couch whilst they took over all of the bedrooms.”
“Brother and sister-in-law would be in OP’s bedroom, and because the girls can’t be expected to share with their brother, the children would need the other bedrooms. Just imagine what would happen to the OP’s gaming and musical equipment.”
“And he would have to work in the kitchen because I’m sure the family would ‘need’ the living room for ‘real family time.’ It’s an unrealistic expectation.” – Wooden_Opportunity65
“Because OP is the younger brother, I think they think they could walk all over OP, even if he laid some ground rules at the beginning.”
“It would start small, and OP would ‘let it slide, just this one time,’ and before you know it, his work setup is in the kitchen, all of his hobby equipment is broken, and he’s driven out of his own home.”
“His brother was implicitly telling OP he only desires to live by his own rules.” – EatThisShirt
“They didn’t want to follow the Grandparents’ rules. They are married with three children. What could those rules have been, that you would risk making your children homeless for?”
“Your musical equipment would have become toys, and when you tried to stop this behaviour, you would have been instructed not to parent their children. And what about your office setup?!”
“In my opinion, their proposed sojourn at ‘Fun Unc’s House’ would have been conducted like they were on a vacation, Fun Unc’s home and funds would have been considered a perk, too.” – ilovesme
“It sounds like they don’t respect him already! A social media post bashing who is the real family…. It sounds like they’re rejecting the two weeks in hotel offer or the help with the security deposit offer!”
“Probably because they plan to settle in and take over… No respect for OP or thanks for what he can do, so now they’re going to make OP the bad guy… Manipulative.” – thismarksthespot
Others agreed and pointed out that if the family could ridicule the OP, then they could provide for his brother.
“I would tell them that they (the extended family) can house the brother and family if they feel so strongly about it.”
“‘Hi everyone commenting on my brother’s situation. I’m sure he is immensely grateful for this outpouring of support from you all. I’d love to know which of you are offering your homes for him and his family to move into, so I can feel duly ashamed for not living up to your example.'” – Comfortable-Focus123
“The most important point here, OP, is that you may be putting your job in jeopardy if you cannot work effectively from home with the increased noise that would come with five additional people. Would they want to kick you out of your dedicated office to accommodate them? And then where would you work?”
“Just because they aren’t worried about their jobs doesn’t mean you don’t worry about yours.”
“NTA.”
“Tell any family member who thinks you are being selfish, ‘It is so nice of you to offer to have brother and his family move in with you since you have stated you would not abandon them in their time of need. I will tell brother to call you to make arrangements to move his family into your place.'” – Successful-Voice8542
“Why do I have the feeling that the next step suggested would be for OP to find ANOTHER place to live, but keep paying the mortgage on their present house? But, you know, just until bro finds some place else…”
“It’s ironic, because if all of those chatty extended family members chipped in, they could pay a few dollars each to either get the brother and his family a rental or another house, or they could have helped stop the foreclosure to begin with, since they’re so insistent about bailing the brother out on other people’s dime. Or just on the OP’s dime? NTA.” – Used_Clock_4627
“NTA. They had a better alternative (living with your parents) that they were against because they didn’t want to follow the rules. Unless your parents have insane rules, I’m guessing your brother thought he and his family could railroad you and take over your home completely.”
“You offered a lot of very reasonable help, and if he truly wanted to get his life together, he would have taken you up on your offer to help him find an apartment and pay for the security deposit.”
“Any family members who are giving you a hard time can offer to let your brother live with them.” – Mundane_Look5516
“Tell your extended family that you’ll let your brother and SIL know of their generous offer to house them and hang up before they can say anything.”
“Or, if there’s a family WhatsApp group, post a list of the people who want to house Brother and his family, so they can take their pick.”
“This is what got people in my family to shut up years ago when a family member kept ‘getting kicked out by all the psychos she lives with.’ Amazingly, she somehow was never doing anything wrong, and everyone she talked into letting her move in turned out to be the terrible people!”
“The house I was renting had an extra room at one point, and suddenly everyone was pressuring me to let her sublease the room, and upset at me for not budging, but all of them seemed to have a reason why they couldn’t let her move in with them. Funny how that works out.” – Mysterious-System680
The subReddit was alarmed by how the OP was being treated, especially since his home wasn’t an appropriate fit for his brother’s larger family and because he even offered to help the family in other ways.
It seemed suspicious that the family only wanted to stay in OP’s house and did not want to take him up on his help with a hotel and rental. If they were looking to get back on their feet, this seemed like the most appropriate solution.
But if they were only interested in taking over the OP’s home or at least abusing his space, time, and money, why would they make a responsible choice?