What is and isn’t forgivable varies from person to person and situation to situation.
Something a person might forgive a family member for might be unforgivable from a coworker. Some people might forgive a stranger for something, but not a friend.
A man having trouble forgiving his family for lying for most of his life turned to the “Am I Overreacting” (AIO) subReddit for feedback.
AIO is a “subReddit to help figure out if you overreacted to something, or if you were justified.”
Argolfermd asked:
“AIO for basically going no contact with my whole family after learning about my paternity?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (43, male) have been married to my wife (43, female) since we were both 18. We live out of state from my family, close to hers.”
“When I was in my early 20s, my mom told me that some of my cousins had some genetic heart issues and ‘all of the cousins should get tested.’ My results were normal, but on the edge of not normal.”
“Fast forward 20 years, I now have two sons. My mom calls me to tell me my uncle by marriage, who died a few years ago, was actually my dad.”
“He knew. He died 5 years ago from the heart condition I now know I have. I had met him a handful of times, but he wasn’t around much at all. I guess I know one reason now…”
“Mom was unmarried at the time. He was her sister’s husband, and it was before she met my stepdad. My mom and stepdad got married when I was like 2. I knew he wasn’t my real dad, but was told I was the result of a fling.”
“He died of a genetic heart issue; all of his children have it, and my boys and I need to be tested. Also, basically everyone (sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins) have known about my parentage for years/decades.”
“I basically withdrew from all of them to figure out how to deal with my new reality. During this time, my wife handled any communication with my mom and sisters.”
“My wife was angry with all of them and expressed a little of her anger towards my mom to my sister. My sister’s response was that my mom ‘has turned this over to God and anger comes from Satan’.”
“I feel like they are using religion to avoid taking any responsibility.”
“It’s been almost 6 months since finding out, and I am cordial, but have basically gone fully no contact with all of them, and honestly don’t care if I ever see or talk to any of them again.”
“She was definitely a loving mother. I don’t hold what she did against her. Everyone makes mistakes.”
“I’m much more betrayed by the decades of not telling me. And then making up a lie of ‘all the cousins need to get checked’.”
“And robbing me of the truth until after he died. And not telling me which resulted in me passing the gene to one of my sons.”
“I don’t necessarily care about my conception. But the whole family knew about my lineage and the health implications, and decided keeping the secret and saving face was more important than my and my son’s health.”
“Am I overreacting?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AIO voting acronyms:
- NOR – Not OverReacting
- YOR – You OverReacted
- MOR – Maybe OverReacting
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not overreacting (NOR).
“NOR – Definitely not overreacting, this is a huge deal and has serious potential implications on your health and your sons’ health. You had a right to know about this years ago and of course it will be painful, difficult, and angering to only find out now, especially when your mom is refusing to take responsibility.” ~ Secret_Agency_
“OP NOR. They hid a life-changing truth for decades, put OP’s health and his kids’ health at risk, and then avoided responsibility.” ~ po_dok
“I hate when sh*tty people that have done sh*tty things use the Lord as an excuse to have no accountability.”
“Maybe remind your sister that wanton fornication comes from Satan and lying comes from satan as well.”
“OP, I personally would keep my distance because how could I ever trust someone who lied to me my whole life and who has no accountability? I couldn’t.”
“But I do suggest some therapy to help you overcome all the emotions and trauma that comes with this new information. Not so that you could forgive her, but more for your well-being.” ~ No-Statistician-4201
“Not to mention that the fornication was also in the form of adultery—which also comes from Satan. We haven’t even mentioned lying and deceit. Using religion as a way to avoid taking any responsibility or accountability and as a way to gaslight a very valid and logical reaction on his part is truly evil.” ~ NanaBanana2011
“NOR. Not only did your mom lie to you, but apparently so did everyone else by omission. How the hell does everyone else know? Did your mom go around telling everyone else, or did she just have a big party where she told everyone and didn’t seem to think it was important for you to know?” ~ RoguesAngel
“Maybe remind your sister that their mom being an adulterer and sleeping with her sister’s husband comes from Satan too.” ~ Hawkman003
“NOR Using religion as a scapegoat is just low.” ~ Sweet_Stratigraphy
“They lied about critical genetic health issues that could KILL him or his children, then used religion as a shield when confronted. ‘Anger comes from Satan’?? No, anger comes from finding out your entire family conspired to hide your paternity AND put your kids’ lives at risk. OP has every right to walk away, they’ve proven they can’t be trusted with basic honesty, let alone health information. This is unforgivable.” ~ IndividualRate2652
“Sorry, OP. Your mom needs to beg you for your forgiveness and recognize that she isn’t owed it, even if you are kind enough to grant it to her.” ~ 042614
“No, dude, no. No. No. NOR. You’re not overreacting at all.”
“As a Christian, THIS is why people hate Christians and call us all hypocrites and cowards.” ~ tmd5909
“NOR, there was no need to hide that info from you your whole life. if you feel betrayed, you have every right to not want them in your life.” ~ gaydartmonkey
“Remind them that righteous anger over actual injustice is a gift that comes straight from the Almighty and that Jesus literally flipped tables in rage. NOR.” ~ BabserellaWT
“Hiding it from you was already bad, but AVOIDING ALL responsibility, not even attempting to apologize, and making you and your wife the bad guys for daring to be upset?… yeah, I’d cut them out too. NOR.” ~ Individual_Plan_5593
“Tell her lying and adultery are of Satan, and God may forgive her, but you don’t. NOR.” ~ UhLeXSauce
“NOR about them not telling you before your real dad passed.”
“NOR about them trying to diminish your feelings with ‘anger comes from satan’…. You have a right to be angry.”
“People will really say anything to make themselves feel better, all while lacking any accountability.”
“So sorry, OP.” ~ fadingsunsetglow
“OP, stay no contact with them. They all, especially your mom, betrayed you. They want to hide behind religion? Well, your mom would be stoned for her behavior in the Bible. Hold on to your wife, your real family now.” ~ SensitiveFlow860
“Did they ever consider that had you been aware of this genetic condition, you may have NOT had children for fear of passing it along?”
“Of course, now that you have kids, it’s very difficult to even consider NOT having them. But you had an opportunity when you were much younger to consider a life without or adoption or your options.” ~ the_truth_is_tough
“NOR. It is probably the most major betrayal to find out like this. And one fell swoop: your dad is not your dad, and you got your heart condition from your uncle. And that she kept it from you for years. When everyone else knows.”
“From reading your post, my guess is the genetic heart condition probably spurred your mom on to bring it out in the open. Perhaps a family member talked her into it.”
“FYI, I passed down a genetic heart condition to my children. No issues with parentage, their dad is their dad. I had absolutely no idea I had this condition that I passed down until my children were in their late 20s. I didn’t even know it ran in the family.”
“I believe in retrospect my own mother knew and couldn’t bring herself to tell me, and that she died keeping that secret. I don’t think she knew until I was an adult, yet she could not bring herself to tell me because by that time I already had young children.”
“I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of therapy I’ve had to be able to live with my grief and angst for being a conduit for this gene to my precious children.”
“I have apologized repeatedly to my children for passing this along. I don’t know what else I can do.” ~ AntiqueSeat7720
OP will probably find little solace in knowing he didn’t know he was passing a serious health problem to his son.
Only he can decide if he’ll forgive his family for enabling that to happen.