A healthy or unhealthy relationship with food is most often shaped in childhood.
While lots of fad diets exist, all things in moderation is the diet recommended by nutritionists and therapists to develop a healthy relationship with food.
Beyond eating habits, a realistic body image is also key to health. So when an authority figure in a child’s life is obsessed with weight and attractiveness, they can impact the child’s self-image.
If the child is active and healthy, doctors and nutritionists don’t recommend placing them on a restricted diet or shaming them over food.
A mother who took years to establish her own healthy relationship with food turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her mother shamed her daughter over ice cream while saying nothing to her son.
Federal_Web3475 asked:
“AITA for not letting my mom see my kids because of fat-shaming?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (31, female) was on the chubby side growing up and my mom (58, female) was always hard on me for my weight. It deeply impacted my self-esteem, to the point that I ended up losing an unhealthy amount of weight in my teens just to please her.”
“Once I left the house, I gained some weight back and, after years of therapy, I finally felt like I had a healthy relationship to food and exercise. My mom also seemed to stop being as obsessed with my body once I wasn’t around her 24/7, and our relationship got a lot better.”
“I had a daughter nine years ago, let’s call her Mia. Mia is a sweet girl and ADORES her grandma.”
“A couple days ago I sent her and her brother (Liam, 7) to stay with my parents for the weekend. On the car ride home, I noticed that Mia wasn’t her bubbly self and asked her if something was wrong.”
“She was clearly embarrassed, but eventually she started to bawl and told me what happened. Apparently, that afternoon they had gone out for ice cream.”
“Mia tried to order a cone with 2 scoops, but my mother stopped her and changed her order to a single scoop in a cup. When Liam ordered a cone with 2 scoops, my mother didn’t say a word.”
“When Mia asked why Liam got a cone and not her, my mother told her it was because she’s fat and needs to lose weight or nobody will find her attractive.”
“I was livid.”
“The second we got home, I called my mom and told her that what she said was completely unacceptable and that from then on, I would have to chaperone any time she spent with my daughter.”
“My mom told me I was overreacting, that Mia was exaggerating, and that I shouldn’t believe a nine-year-old over her. She told me it’s probably just something she picked up in dance class and that I was ‘projecting’.”
“I was pretty sure she was full of crap, but I wanted to verify anyway, so I had another talk with Mia. I told her that if my mother ever says anything like that to her again, to tell me right away.”
“She started crying again, and told me that not only was this not the first time something like this happened, but also that my mother told Mia not to tell me because I’m fat and she wouldn’t want to be like me.”
“I don’t think my mom’s comments would be acceptable even if she were overweight, but Mia is perfectly healthy for a girl her age. She is very active (a dancer) so she eats a lot to sustain herself, but her weight has never been an issue.”
“I called my mom again, and told her everything Mia told me. All she said was, ‘Well was I wrong? You are fat’.”
“I hung up. She tried to call me again, but I didn’t pick up.”
“I haven’t responded to her since. This morning she got my brother involved.”
“He thinks it is an overreaction to not respond and that she didn’t mean any harm, but I am pretty adamant about not wanting to expose my daughter to her bullsh*t. I told my brother that if my mother is willing to apologize to Mia and I, and agree to chaperoned visits, I might consider letting them see each other.”
“I know she won’t do that. I feel horrible because it’s Liam’s birthday next week and I know he wants his grandma there, but I just don’t feel comfortable with my kids being around her, not yet.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I could have overreacted and isolated my mom from my kids without cause.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. ‘Mia tried to order a cone with 2 scoops, but my mother stopped her and changed her order to a single scoop in a cup. When Liam ordered a cone with 2 scoops, my mother didn’t say a word. When Mia asked why Liam got a cone and not her, my mother told her it was because she’s fat and needs to lose weight or nobody will find her attractive’.”
“That statement shows who your mom is on so many levels. It’s obvious, so I won’t say more. She was also nasty about/undermined you to your daughter.”
“I’m betting she got your brother involved because the same dynamic played out between you as your mom’s doing with your kids. He did no wrong and you did nothing right.”
“You aren’t overreacting. That you’re willing to consider chaperoned visits says a lot for you. Not sure I’d be that kind this early after. Also remember your son wants her around because she doesn’t treat him like crap.”
“I hope Mia feels better soon. Massive kudos to you as a mom for protecting her from the toxic BS you endured from your mom. All the best!” ~ Apart-Ad-6518
“Telling a child to lie to their parents is extremely dangerous. Disgraceful. Best wishes to OP, enjoy your beautiful girl & keep her safe: NTA.” ~ Salamanderonthefarm
“We have always told our kids the moment someone tells you ‘don’t tell your parents’ you come find us immediately. Doesn’t matter who.”
“My mother-in-law body shamed my wife all through her childhood. Keep your beautiful daughter away from that toxic woman. NTA.” ~ 62SlabSide
“Absolutely NTA. You know firsthand the damage these kind of comments can do to a young girl. You have a duty as a mother to protect your children and you are doing exactly that. Kudos to you, OP, for shutting that sh*t down.”
“Your mother is wholly in the wrong for making fat shaming, unhealthy comments to your daughter that could foster an eating disorder, as well as for showing sexist preferential treatment by only directing those comments toward your daughter and letting her brother eat more than her. And she certainly should not be restricting your daughter’s diet.”
“If you’re comfortable with doing so, it might be good to have a talk with your own brother about how your mom’s fatphobic comments impacted you growing up. Chances are, he’s oblivious because he was never her target.” ~ chickadeerevelry
“NTA. Agree with all this except the idea to talk to her brother.”
“Polite distance between OP and her brother sounds healthy for OP while navigating this situation. Definitely would not be turning to him hoping for a friend or ally against their mother’s insanity.”
“It’s true he may be oblivious to the harm OP has been subjected to from their mother, but not very likely. He was there for their childhood. He witnessed this stuff, just like OP’s son has witnessed it recently. Seems much more likely that he doesn’t care, rather than he doesn’t know.”
“His reaction to OP says a lot, as does the fact their mother went to her son to rally support. OP’s mother and brother are allies, even if that’s not explicit. OP’s brother has benefited from his mother’s sexism and favouritism, while OP has been harmed by it.”
“Telling OP she is overreacting and basically that she needs to be nicer to mom shows that the brother cares much more about his mother being upset than his sister’s or niece’s experience or well-being.”
“All he is focused on is his mom’s experience, and I’m certain he’d defend her no matter what OP told him. He’s got a lifetime of grossly preferential treatment to repay.” ~ Candid-Nebula-2301
“NTA. Your mother is emotionally abusing your daughter. And she knows it’s wrong, because she told her not to say anything to you.”
“She knows exactly what she did or she wouldn’t have tried to hide it.”
“Now is probably a good time to teach Mia that if an adult ever says to her ‘Don’t tell mum’, she needs to tell mum immediately. It may also be a good time to have an age appropriate conversation about emotional abuse, and about how sometimes, someone you love will hurt you because of their own insecurities, and that’s not okay.” ~ lordmwahaha
Grandma appears to have some internalized misogyny as well as her obsession over her female descendants meeting strict beauty standards.
If grandma can only see value in female family members if they’re thin, pretty and able to attract a man, some distance sounds like a good idea.