With every passing day gender norms and old school traditions are being knocked down and reimagined.
And as much as this process is seen as progress, there are still a few strong holdouts for keeping one or two things the same.
Some people enjoy a good tradition now and then.
But what if one belief really makes a particular person feel uncomfortable in their own home?
Can there be a compromise?
Case in point…
Redditor Super-PizzaCat wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for refusing to not attend my wife’s baby shower?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Last Saturday, my wife had her baby shower, which turned out to be a very long event from midday until 10 pm.”
“Prior to this, while we were planning the baby shower and sending out invites, I had initially intended to invite my entire family.”
“However, my wife informed me that the baby shower was going to be female-only, which confused me.”
“In my family, I have attended baby showers for all my female relatives, so it felt like this was a cultural difference.”
“Unfortunately, this meant I had to embarrassingly uninvite people after already sending out invitations.”
“Initially, I didn’t make a big deal out of it because it was my wife’s special day.”
“However, later on, she told me that the ‘no men’ rule extended to me as well.”
“I thought she was joking, but she was serious, explaining that it’s customary in her family to have a ladies-only baby shower.”
“At this point, I became upset.”
“In a baby shower that I was paying for and planning, I was being excluded from my own wife’s event in my own home.”
“I found it absurd.”
“The party lasted for about 10 hours, and I was expected to leave my own house for the entire duration.”
“We argued back and forth about this issue.”
“It just seemed ridiculous to me that as her husband, I was not allowed to attend my own wife’s baby shower.”
“Her sister overheard our argument and supported my wife’s stance, saying that men are typically not invited to baby showers and that my presence would ruin the atmosphere and ‘vibe.'”
“This disagreement occurred three weeks before the actual baby shower, and even on the day before the event, I tried reasoning with my wife again to let me stay, but she still refused.”
“She also told some of her family members about our argument because I got an angry text from her mother telling me to just listen to what she says since the baby shower is for her not me and that she can decide on whoever attends or doesn’t.”
“I still refused to leave since it’s our home and I’m literally paying for the event.”
“I managed to compromise by just chilling in the backyard while everyone else was inside.”
“My wife still wasn’t happy about it though.”
“Am I the a**hole here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP and everyone involved was the A**hole.
“ESH. You both should work on communicating better with each other.”
“Baby showers are traditionally female only and ‘co-ed’ baby showers are a more recent thing, with some cultures adopting the practice more openly than others.”
“Your wife shouldn’t have assumed that you knew this tradition though, and should’ve expressed her intentions while you guys were planning.”
“You’re not an AH for feeling bad because you felt excluded, even when you were involved in the planning.”
“However, you displayed AH behavior when you made the event about you and how you paid for everything.”
“Your camping out in the yard is less of a compromise, but more of a last stand.”
“You should’ve explained to her that you just want to welcome the baby with her, as that is the purpose of baby showers, or to maybe organize a separate co-ed baby shower so that everyone can also have that chance.” ~ VioletIsNotPurple
“Engagement parties/bridal showers/baby showers are usually events thrown for you by someone else.”
“And usually traditionally at least again in the US South, it’s a woman throwing the showers for other women and no men.”
“Obviously with traditional gender norms being thrown to the wind as it’s 2023 this doesn’t happen as much anymore and co-ed showers are more mainstream.”
“But throwing your own is still weird as it’s intended to be a gift event and throwing your own seems gift grabby in terms of etiquette.”
“I wonder where OP is that it’s culturally normal to throw your own party and have it be co-ed.” ~ prongslover77
“Why would anyone want to attend a 10-hour baby shower, let alone host it?”
“What was happening at this event? 10 hours????” ~ opinescarf
“I can’t get past OP paying for the shower.”
“I’ve never seen that before.”
“In my experience, baby/bridal showers are given by close friends as part of the gift.”
“Having the new mom/bride plan and pay for the shower is ridiculous in my opinion.”
“She’s got enough going on already.”
“I’m from Texas so maybe it’s a southern thing.” ~ ConsequencesInAction
“My brother told me he was going to throw a baby shower for his wife, and asked me to help him design the invitations.”
“I said you can’t throw a shower for your wife, that’s not your job, I’ll throw the shower.”
“He did hang around for the shower, which was in their backyard, but that’s because his wife is super needy and can’t be separated from him.” ~ julet1815
“NTA. I’m sorry a 10 HOUR baby shower!!”
“I threw a baby shower, paid my me and her girlfriends, at the beginning all women, and then the guys came and ate and hung out with their partners.”
“Everyone had fun!”
“This shower sounds like a contest of endurance and not fun.”
“I attended a baby shower where guys were in the backyard women in another area of the house, opening gifts/playing games. Eating sweets etc.”
“Guys grilled up food and we finished in the backyard.”
“What I mean by these examples is you celebrate mom and bond. There are no set rules.”
“The point is to bond with those people who will support you as a mom and a family.”
“Good luck, OP!” ~ Ariesinnc3017
“I never liked this rule.”
“Technically this is a party to celebrate the baby’s birth.”
“The gifts are for the baby.”
“Saying parents can’t throw their own baby shower is like saying parents shouldn’t throw their kid’s birthday parties.”
“Plus not everyone has super close friends or family with time and money to throw a shower, f**k not everyone even has close friends or family period that would be willing to do it even if they had the time and money.”
“I fully support parents throwing their own showers.”
“There’s absolutely no reason why they shouldn’t.” ~ ClutzyCashew
“No way am I spending 10 hours at a baby shower!”
“That sounds horrible!”
“I don’t care if they’re bringing in a Broadway show for it.”
“I don’t care if they bring in Taylor Swift to perform.”
“I don’t care if they’re giving away new cars as party favors.”
“I’m NOT spending 10 hours at a baby shower!”
“That sounds horrible and is perhaps the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard of.” ~ Ramscales
“The middle ground between being there/not being there for a 10h event is pretty obvious, no?”
“You attend part of it.”
“Let the women gather for the first half so they can talk about all of the things they don’t feel comfortable discussing around men, and then husbands are welcome to show up for the second half for a cook-out.” ~ FirstMasterpiece
“OP is entitled to be in their own home.”
“Even if OP wasn’t privy to the party itself, the party did not have to commandeer an entire home.”
“They could have taken up space in the living room or kitchen area.”
“It’s also unreasonable for a 12 pm start time event to continue until 10 pm, late at night, and expect OP to not have access to their own home.” ~ majesticjewnicorn
“This is the part I got hung up on as well.”
“Baby showers being female only or open to everyone are both fairly common and it’s more of a cultural thing, and I don’t think it’s wrong for either of them to have different opinions about it.”
“However, regardless of if they decide for him to be there or not, 10 hours is a very long time to insist that someone can not be inside their own home.” ~ Friend_of_Hades
“I just can’t wrap my head around the sheer entitlement of the wife AND the women who don’t even live in that house… expecting to commandeer the entire house whilst the person who probably is the primary source of income to keep that roof over their heads is banished.”
“It makes me wonder how many times OP’s wife has had the girls over for a social event and kicked OP out of the home… considering she feels comfortable in her entitlement.” ~ majesticjewnicorn
“I don’t think that ‘paying for the event’ is the winning argument you think it is.”
“You’re a family now, there is no yours and hers.”
“It’s definitely a cultural difference, as I’ve never been to a baby shower that included men – even the father.”
“This won’t be the first thing that you two differ on, and with raising a child it will happen often.”
“You both need to learn a better way of working this out.”
“Neither gets to insist.”
“You both persuade and talk and empathize until you agree on a course going forward.”
“You ABSOLUTELY must NEVER bring people outside your marriage to stick up for one view or the other.”
“If things like your mother or her mother calling whenever you fight continue to happen, then your marriage will fail.”
“It stops now. ESH.” ~ HappySummerBreeze
“ESH hear me out people now have never been to a baby shower where men weren’t allowed I had men at mine.”
“Now the wife is entitled to have a men-free baby shower if she wants but forcing OP out of his own home for 10 hours is an AH move.”
“If it had been 3-4 hours then sure but 10 is too much.”
“OP is also the ah because of the whole I paid for it attitude and pushing none stop to attend.”
“But seeing as the party lasted as long as it did I don’t think it’s such a big deal that he stayed home, he stayed away from the party at least.” ~ DisneyLove1995
Well, OP, Reddit seems to have issues with everybody involved in this story.
A 10 HOUR baby shower? Goodness.
There must’ve been a way to compromise.
Hopefully, you can all just focus on the joy of the birth from here.
Good luck.