Having a family member with substance abuse issues is an ongoing challenge.
Even after they have completed rehab and have been sober for years, people still tend to tread carefully in their presence.
Making sure they don’t do anything to provoke, entice or upset them.
What might seem like a challenge, however, proves to require little to no effort at all in the end as it is done out of their love and care for them.
Redditor Proud_Raspberry4525 had a somewhat tense relationship with her father owing to his history with alcohol.
As a result, she felt it was probably a better idea not to invite him to an engagement party her future mother-in-law (FMIL) was throwing for her.
In spite of this request, her FMIL invited him nonetheless and was outraged by the scene he made.
Concerned that she was the one responsible for this scene, the original poster (OP) took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) to get some feedback.
AITA for letting my father cause a huge scene at my engagement party and embarassing my future MIL?
The OP explained how her FMIL’s desire to interfere with her relationship with her father led to a rather unpleasant engagement party.
“My father has many faults.”
“I am well aware of these and therefore tend to keep our interactions private.”
“I still love him, and I have developed a system to keep him from f**king me over.”
“When my fiancé asked me to marry him I said yes.”
“And then I went and privately told my dad about it.”
“We had a nice dinner with my fiance and that was that.”
“My FMIL wanted to have an engagement party.”
“I was fine with it.”
“I just requested that she not invite my father.”
“I explained that we had a strained relationship and that I preferred to keep him at a distance.”
“I guess she thought she knew better than me.”
“She wanted to ‘fix’ our relationship, and the first step was inviting him to her home for a party with alcohol.”
“When I met my dad for dinner, I specifically chose a restaurant that didn’t have a liquor license.”
“And we went right after work.”
“His car has a breathalyzer built in to make it start.”
“I know what would happen otherwise.”
“When I saw my dad there, my stomach flipped.”
“I asked her what was going on, and she said that a good daughter would want her dad there on this important day.”
“I asked her to please make him leave.”
“She said I was being rude.”
“I went over to my dad and asked him to leave.”
“He promised to behave.”
“He was so happy to be invited.”
“I told my fiancé that I might need to leave in a hurry, and he had to come with me when I left.”
“He knows the whole story.”
“My father was fine at the beginning.”
“Then wine came around.”
“I glared at him and shook my head no.”
“He took some.”
“He started getting ‘happy.'”
“That doesn’t last.”
“After dinner, there were drinks.”
“As soon as I heard him raise his voice, I asked my fiance to leave.”
“I faked a stomach problem, and we left.”
“The least embarrassing thing he did was piss himself and puke on the lawn.”
“My FMIL is furious.”
“She said that we should have told her that my father has a drinking problem.”
“I said that it wouldn’t have been a problem if she hadn’t lied to my face about not inviting him.”
“My father is humiliated that he did this.”
“I am just numb.”
“My uncle has no problem controlling my dad.”
“He is a cop, and he has come to several events with my dad where he kept him from drinking.”
“My older brother’s wedding for example.”
“But he lives in another city.”
“He would have been at the wedding.”
“I’m just angry that she lied, and I’m embarrassed, and I’m venting here because I need someone to tell me I’m not the a**hole for not wanting to tell people my father is like this.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for her father’s drunken behavior at her engagement party.
Everyone agreed that the OP was in no way responsible for all that transpired, and her FMIL should have listened to her and not included him there.
“But I’ll point out that your headline says ‘letting my father cause a huge scene.'”
“That’s putting his behavior on you.”
“You didn’t ‘let’ him do anything.”
“These are the consequences of his own actions.”
“Don’t take that burden on yourself.”- Eileen__Left
“When someone says ‘do not invite this person,’ you don’t go behind their backs.”
“She had no right to question why you wouldn’t want him there, and if she did want to know why she could have asked you (or her child if she didn’t feel comfortable asking you).”
“It’s 100% her fault for inviting someone you gave CLEAR instructions not to.”
“I’m sorry this happened, but I hope you have a wonderful wedding.”- SamR1301
“And I hope your future husband has a serious conversation about boundary crossing with his mom before you are married.”
“People’s ideas about other peoples’ estrangements are their own problem, and should be kept to themselves.”- preppy-sweater
“But oh man, do I hope this is not indicative of the issues you might have with FML.”
“The details of why you don’t want someone invited is none of her business.”
“At first, I thought she was well-meaning if very naive, but the whole part about a good daughter would want him there and about being angry at you for not telling her.”
“Those are really awful.”- purplewoodcarver
“The comment with ‘a good daughter would’ is so gross.”
“You said not to invite him.”
“That’s a full answer.”
“She doesn’t have to know why you and your father have a strained relationship.”
“I hate when people try to force people to make up or assume inviting them to an event will magically make the relationship better.”
“You aren’t your father’s keeper, and it’s not your job to control him or make him stop drinking.”
“Hopefully, she’ll listen to you when you tell her what your boundaries are now.”- Ok-Sugar-7399
“The why of your estrangement from your father & reluctance to have him at your engagement party is non of FMIL’s business.”
“She thought she was being so clever.”
“In short, she f**ked around & found out.”
“Now your engagement party enters the realm of family legend.”
“And not in a good way.”- Spiritual_Frosting60
“She f*cked around and found out.”
“I can’t stand people that won’t respect boundaries around family. You didn’t want him there and didn’t need to tell her why in detail.”
“You didn’t embarrass her. She did it to herself by deciding she knew better than you.”-CrystalQueen3000
“You saved your FMIL the embarrassment of your father by politely telling her not to invite him.”
“She disregarded that.”
“She doesn’t deserve what happened in theory, but she f*cking does for not listening to you.”
“Sorry OP.”- jjqueens
“NTA, it was none of your FMIL’s business why you were strained with your father.”
“She butted into something that was none of her business and is now blaming you for the fallout.”
“She didn’t even ask you, and without knowing the details, she felt she knew better what was right for your relationship.”
“She was rude and invasive, your relationships are your own to manage, and she should have trusted your judgment in this instead of making her own.”
“This doesn’t bode well for your future relationship with her. I’ll bet she’ll be pulling this crap in other areas of your life as well.”- Catisbackthatsafact
“NTA, but your MIL should be begging for forgiveness.”
“It’s telling how she ignored you and then spun it around on you.”- carbonated-rain
“You made it clear he was not to be invited.”
“She lied and tried to shoehorn her way into your relationship with your father.”
“Karma is a cruel yet hilarious mistress.”
“I’m sorry you were embarrassed by the ordeal and that your father had his issues as well.”
“It should have been avoided by your FMIL just respecting boundaries.”- OriginalProgress1711
“NTA, You handled that well, OP.”
“You shouldn’t have to tell your FMIL stuff like that for her to respect your wishes at an event literally for you and her son.”
“She had good intentions, admittedly, but hopefully she learned her lesson on what a bad idea that was.”- ididntleavetoday
The OP was well aware of what it takes to keep her relationship with her father healthy and harmonious.
Something the OP’s FMIL should have accepted and honored rather than acting like she knew what was best for her.
The OP can at least be grateful that her FMIL will not make this same mistake again, but what a shame she had to learn in the manner she did.