One of the most important elements of childcare is keeping children happy.
However, this doesn't necessarily mean always giving them what they want.
It's also important for children to learn that they can't always have it their way, and sometimes they will have to do things that don't make them happy in the moment.
Though not all parents see it this way.
Redditor pancakeswithsyrup was soon to be married, and her niece was going to be her flower girl.
The original poster. (OP)'s niece was very excited about the wedding, and got a sneak peek at what was to come.
This eventually led the OP's niece to ask if she could make a change to her outfit during the ceremony.
A change the OP was completely unwilling to make.
After being somewhat scolded by her sister for doing so, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my niece that she can't have the sunglasses until later?"
The OP explained why her niece was somewhat disappointed by her attire for the OP's upcoming wedding:
"I (27 F[emale]) am getting married soon."
"My niece 'Maddie' (6 F[emale]) will be our flower girl."
"My partner and I babysit Maddie regularly, so she's been seeing a lot of the wedding prep and loves to be our 'helper' whenever she's here."
"One of the things we have for the reception is heart shaped sunglasses that light up."
"Maddie is quite fascinated by them, and has been talking about how she's going to be a 'cool girl' and wear them 'when I throw the flowers'."
"I told her that she'll have them at the 'party part' (reception), but she doesn't need them during the ceremony or the photos."
"She keeps arguing with me about it though, and I keep repeating what I said before."
"Last night, my sister-in-law [SIL] sent me a FB message."
"She told me that I'm hurting Maddie's feelings."
"I said that I'm not trying to hurt her feelings, but this is a decision I've made - and she'll still get to wear them later."
"SIL said that she 'doesn't know if Maddie will want to be the flower girl without them'."
"AITA for telling my niece that she can't have the sunglasses until later?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to allow Maddie to wear sunglasses during the ceremony.
Everyone agreed that Maddie needed to learn that she can't always have things her way, and the OP's SIL was the one who needed to teach her that:
"NTA."
"Sounds like your SIL is being a permissive parent."
"This could be a good teaching moment for her daughter to learn patience and learn how to take the answer no, a life skill that needs to be developed and the earlier it’s developed the better for her adult life."
"Also it’s your wedding."
"You make the rules!"- manatee_lover143
"Tell your SIL that you’d hate to have to pick a new flower girl but if that’s THEIR choice (both of them) you understand."
"NTA it’s your wedding, not your niece’s."- 5PeeBeejay5
"NTA."
"That’s fine."
"If she doesn’t want to be a flower girl without the glasses, she’s not a flower girl."
"That’s natural consequences for her."
"Clearly SIL is used to just giving her whatever she wants."- United_Pop_6442
"Call her bluff immediately."
"'Ok, if she doesn't want to be the flower girl, I need to know within 48 hours so I can replace her. If she wants to be the flower girl, she will not be wearing flashing light-up glasses during my wedding. This is not negotiable. It's a wedding, not a circus. Please let me know her decision as soon as possible'."
"NTA, and if I were you, I wouldn't even wait for her 'decision,' I would make it for her."
"You don't need a spoiled brat at your wedding."- BeachinLife1
"NTA."
"Sounds like Maddie is a typical little girl, and mom needs to manage/direct her expectations."
"I think you should stick to your plan, and explain that the sunglasses will be her 'payment' for doing her whole flower girl job-throwing flowers and smiling in photos after the ceremony."
"It’s be sweet to have the photographer take 1 final sunny photo of you 2 as you give her the glasses for a job well done!"- Ok-Investment9992
"NTA, if your SIL hasn't figured out how to explain the concept of 'not now, later' or 'no' this would be an excellent time for her to do so."
"Do not be extorted by a 6-year-old or her lame excuse for a mother."
"Good luck!"- LTP_USA
"NTA."
"Stand firm."
"Your SIL should be backing you up on this and teaching her child what No means."- SilverScimitar13
"NTA."
"Is your sister afraid to tell her no?"
"I get that we want happy kids but they also need to learn that boundaries exist."
"Maybe try to frame it as a reward for doing the flower girl part."- fionaghal
"NTA."
"SIL needs to teach her daughter that she not entitled have her way."- gemmoon87
"NTA."
"Six year olds don’t get to plan their aunt’s wedding."- Menemsha4
"NTA."
"She will be fine without the glasses."- pickledbeetzweenie
"NTA."
"Tell SIL if that is how they feel, you will find another flower girl."
"Call your SILs bluff."
"She is likely tired of hearing her child whine about it, and instead of using this as a teaching moment is trying to manipulate you."
"Parenting is hard, but you have to teach the kids!"- Emotional_Fan_7011
"NTA."
"Its not a rave lol its a wedding wtf is with the SIL?"- Practical_Winner_739
"NTA."
"'Doesn't know if Maddie will want to be the flower girl without them'."
"I’ll be sad about that, but ok."
"It’s Maddie’s choice."- MissLabbie
"NTA."
"At 6 she should understand not being able to do something just because she wants to."
"Personally I wouldn’t have shown the glasses till the reception but nothing you can do about that now."
"I would explain that to SIL and niece that you are very excited to have her as a flower girl but that the glasses are only for the party and will not be given until then."- Lizzyd3
"It sounds like Your niece needs experience with people telling her no."
"Could you have avoided the conflict?"
"Maybe, but that onus should never have been on you."
"NTA."- Haunting-Change-2907
"NTA."
"Honestly, I’d call SIL’s bluff and say that if your niece wants to wear the glasses, then you’ll find a new flower girl or go without one."
"Also let SIL know the glasses aren’t allowed in family photos regardless."- crackerfactorywheel
"NTA."
"As I frequently have to tell my 6yo, 'That's not a choice'."
"She can and throw flowers without them or she can not throw flowers at all, her choice."
"Major tantrum removes the choice."
"You say it calmly and firmly and repeatedly to everyone involved, and stick to it."- VillainChinchillin
"NTA."
"Your SIL is ridiculous."
"This is how kids become entitled and spoiled."- viciousd1193
"NTA."
"Maddie’s parents need to manage this, not try to push you to give in."
"This is an incredibly reasonable decision you’ve made and presented to Maddie, and it’s unreasonable for her parents to push you to give in (probably because they are tired of dealing with it.)"- EvanMax
"NTA."
"Kid needs to learn they can’t get everything they want in life."
"Otherwise they grow up to be spoiled little brats because their mom and dad can’t put their foot down and they get walked over."-Gloomy_Aspect_910
"NTA."
"She doesn't need the sunglasses and she needs to learn that she can't have everything she wants."- keesouth
"NTA."
"And I wouldn't appreciate the manipulation tactic either; you can find another flower girl if it is such a big problem."- GribbinJones
"NTA."
"Sister needs to learn how to say no to her child; you haven't done anything unreasonable."- Chickennoodlesleuth
"NTA."
"Kids need to learn that they don't always get what they want, and that is especially true for formal events."
"The 'No' word is not a bad word, and Maddie at 6 years old is old enough to know what it means and respect it, especially considering the circumstances."
"Tell her if she continues to push the matter, the glasses will not be brought at all."- Ordinary_Mortgage870
"NTA, your SIL sucks."
"If it were me, I would just put the sunglasses up until the wedding."
"If she asks, just say they’re put away for safekeeping."
"Not sure how soon the wedding is, but if it’s still a bit out, she might lose interest after a while."
"Then you can bring them out after the ceremony and let her be excited!"
"Maybe I’m just being too optimistic, but it’s worth a shot."- YouApprehensive5894
There is little more frustrating than when people share their ideas for your wedding.
The only thing more frustrating is when people more or less tell you what to do, as the OP's SIL did.
If the OP enables Maddie's behavior and allows her to get what she wants, she's setting Maddie up for a lifetime of disappointment.
