Some people make each birthday a celebration never to forget.
However, life can often intervene with other moments that eclipse a birthday.
Other events, like death, can put a damper on celebratory festivities.
This is unfortunate, but true.
Redditor random_cube42 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITAH for forgetting my partner’s birthday the day my sister died?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“We have been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years, and this happened about 2 years ago.”
“In literally every argument we have, she brings up this topic, when I once forgot about her birthday and didn’t mention it when we talked.”
‘I apologized for it countless times, but she still seems to be bothered by it.”
“The twist?”
“The day before, I had to fly to a different country because I got news that my sister (who battled cancer for a year) was very ill and will probably die in the next few days.”
“The next day, (my partner’s birthday), I was in the hospital with my sister all day, who later died on that day.”
“In the evening, when I talked with my partner on the phone, I was full of emotions, so I totally forgot about it and haven’t given her my wishes.”
“I understand that her birthday is important to her, but isn’t forgetting it justified by the fact that one of my loved ones just died hours before that?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Goodness.”
“She’s weaponized you, forgetting her birthday years ago because of a really f**king traumatic and devastating event.”
“That you repeatedly apologized for.”
“Even though you shouldn’t have.”
“Because a true partner would have put aside the birthday and been there for you 💯 without pouting like a toddler.”
“She’s selfish, callous, exhausting, and just plain mean.”
“There are lovely and kind people out there, OP.”
“Don’t waste further time on one that’s clearly not.” ~ Much_Leather_5923
“I don’t know what kind of personality OP’s partner has, but being hung up on it for 2 years is not fair at all.”
“At most, it would be valid if she were upset for a week, and I am being generous there.”
“In my opinion, I would forget my own birthday if I heard my partner’s sister is suffering and about to die from cancer, and try to console them rather than bring it up.”
“But, then again, OP didn’t mention what they talked about on that evening.”
“So, I won’t be judgmental about that part.” ~ REDDIT
“I don’t think it’s wrong for her to have felt upset that he had forgotten about her birthday.”
“Emotions are just emotions; we don’t need to put moral codes onto them.”
“It’s what you do with acting on those emotions, which is the important part.”
“She could have been privately upset, but understood that the circumstances for his forgetting are exceptional and very reasonable.”
“That she weaponized it and continues to do so is what makes her the a**hole.”
“Not the fact that she felt upset.” ~ OneSmolBean
“NTA in the slightest – in situations like this, things like birthdays come well down the order of importance.” ~ Different_Guess_5407
“Break up. She is awful and a very bad partner.” ~ Couette-Couette
“Is she 5?” ~ Irememberdelhomme
“This is horrible, selfish behavior on your partner’s part.”
“You were in a DIFFERENT COUNTRY (was it even the same day where you were?) and your SISTER HAD JUST DIED!”
“I would not stay with this person another day.”
“Life is long and hard sometimes.”
“S**t goes horribly wrong, and we need a partner who will help lift us up when we are at our lowest, not kick us when we are down.”
“She is showing you that she holds grudges and does not give a flying f**k what you are going through if it doesn’t fit her plan.”
“NTA, but your partner is.”
“Please get yourself some therapy to figure out why you would put up with this emotional manipulation for so long.” ~ Technical_Tangelo143
“This! I forgot my mom’s birthday a few years ago when I was going through some health stuff (minor in comparison to cancer and death).”
“When I finally remembered and called her like a week later, she said thanks, then said she was worried about me… because she’s an adult.”
“We also talked about her birthday, and I sent her an Oops card.”
“NTA. Even if you have other issues you’re working through with your partner that are unresolved problems in your relationship, throwing this one in your face when you’re fighting isn’t the flex she thinks it is.”
“It’s a red flag to bring up things not related to the current fight.”
“If the fight is about you forgetting things, this still isn’t the example she thinks it is.” ~ CovertOops
“NTA: your partner is self-absorbed and should be understanding that you were going through an extremely difficult time, and their celebration was not top of mind.” ~ tekrmn
“OP, your partner is a CHILD!”
‘She genuinely thinks that the most ‘top of mind thing’ when your sister just died is the day she was born.”
“The one that comes round EVERY YEAR!”
“While your sister just died!”
“And to top it off, she’s still bi**hing and moaning about it?”
“NTA. Everyone can see who the real AH is here.” ~ Confident_Drop8326
“From the title, I was going to say, NAH.”
“Siblings’ death could easily occupy your mind; forgetting a birthday is understandable.”
“And having your birthday forgotten can hurt.”
“My wife forgot my birthday once.”
“Not for any particular reason, she just did.”
“My family never celebrated birthdays; they were a non-thing.”
“It still stung a little when my wife forgot, not because it really matters to me, but because I know it’s important to her and her family.”
“I tell you this because your partner is the a**hole.”
“Yes… it can hurt, but s**t happens, like a family member dying.”
“If they can’t move past it, I’d move past them.” ~ authorinthesunset
“OP, this is a huge red narcissistic flag!!”
“I can’t imagine being upset about my birthday in the face of my partner’s loss like this, and I love my birthday!”
“I love my birthday and I STILL can’t imagine getting upset about this, let alone bring it up again, over multiple fights?!”
“As if she’s still harboring resentment??”
“As if she has a right to?!”
“Ugh, NTA, but your wife is.”
“This can’t be the only way she’s a narcissistic AH.” ~ MarionberryOk2874
“NTA, and the fact that she’s STILL bringing this up years later is, frankly, pathetic and extremely self-centered.”
“Birthdays are not that special, and after what you went through, her birthday literally did not matter at all.”
“Not one little tiny bit.”
“This one made me angry.” ~ MeldoRoxl
“It is 100% reasonable for her to have been disappointed that you forgot.”
“It is 0% reasonable for her to bring that up to you when your sister was dying, or for her to bring it up annually- especially if you’ve been on top of it since.”
“Feelings are feelings.”
“They don’t have to be fully logical or reasonable.”
“She could be sad that you didn’t remember at all, she could feel like she’d remember in that situation- but where she’s wrong is taking it out on you, not being understanding when you were actively in a place of extreme trauma and loss, and refusing to let it go.” ~ theratmonarchy
“NTA. Even if you’d just forgotten her birthday for no reason (which you obviously didn’t), it was two years ago.”
“Either break up with you over it or let it go.”
“The statute of limitations for bringing it up in arguments has fully expired.”
“You could tell her that, tell her you’ve apologized multiple times and meant it, and if she can’t accept it, then you shouldn’t be together.”
“But I wouldn’t bother.”
“You should break up with anyone who thought her birthday was more important than the death of a close family member.”
“You should also break up with anyone who’d hold something from two years ago over your head in every argument, even if what they were holding over your head was actually valid.”
“Combine the two, and there’s no way you should remain in this relationship.” ~ riseandrise
“NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“I’m so glad you were able to be with your sister during her final hours.”
“Your partner doesn’t seem to understand the stress someone goes through when grieving/dealing with the loss of a loved one- perhaps try communicating with her where your heart and mind were, not because you didn’t care about your partner, but because you loved your sister so much and it affected you so profoundly.” ~ busylittlelife
“Your partner is a very selfish person with 0 empathy.”
“Her birthday is absolutely not important when the same day you’re at the hospital with your deceased sister.”
“I would understand her if she didn’t wish all her coming birthday in the future, but here she is being a total jerk.”
“You did nothing wrong.”
“And if she still makes your life difficult about it 2 years later, then I don’t even want to know how she’ll react the day that something bigger happens.”
“Good luck, OP.” ~ Heretoread-27
“If you want to continue the relationship, please bring up in every argument how f**king entitled and inconsiderate to your feelings she is.”
“Like, how can she even think of celebrating when your sister just died?!”
“You are NTA, but your GF sure is!” ~ Maroenn
Reddit has your back, OP.
Unfortunately, you forgot your partner’s birthday, but you had other things on your mind.
And for her to use this situation years later is diabolical.
You lost a loved one.
Where is her compassion?
It may be time for a long, hard look at this relationship.