Redditor Early_Elevator_2311 and their college friend had some plastic surgery in college.
It wasn't anything particularly "hush-hush" as the Original Poster's (OP's) friend often brought it up in conversations.
However, recently the OP found out their friend's husband had no idea about the surgery.
And they found this out the hard way.
This led to tension between the OP and their friend, driving the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA).
The OP asked:
"AITA for exposing my friend's plastic surgery in front of her husband?"
They went on to explain.
"So I have a friend who, when we were in college, got some work done."
"It was known to everyone, and she never had a problem sharing with people and giving them tips on who to go to, the aftermath and everything."
"We are now 30, and the whole friend group knows, and whenever she meets new people, she tells them (or so she told me)."
"Yesterday she invited me to her and her husband's, and we were playing some old video tapes and pictures of our memories, and we were reminiscing the past and everything."
"Until a photo of her pre-surgery appeared and her husband was like 'Oh, she looks so different' so I was like 'Oh, it must've been pre-surgery'."
"He was like, 'what surgery?' I looked at him, then at her, then she tried to deflect the situation, but the setting was awkward for the rest of the night."
"Apparently, she dated him and married him, but she lied about getting work done, and he believed her. After I left, he demanded answers which forced her to tell the truth."
"She called me today saying I am the AH for exposing her, but I was like, 'how could've known you lied to him when you are always upfront about it?'"
"Like if she doesn't mention it herself, she expects me to mention it on her behalf to other people we meet…except her husband."
"I also told her she invited me to view our old photos; why didn't she just give me heads up about it like she knew old photos pre-surgery would appear."
"She hung up on me, saying she doesn't wanna know me anymore and that I am a terrible secret keeper."
The OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"How can you keep a secret when it was never a secret to being with?"
"NTA." - LemonFoam01
"NTA"
"The trouble with lying is trying to keep track of said lies."
"She has obviously known since before she married her husband that he doesn't know, and she doesn't plan on telling him."
"She could have warned you and everyone but she didn't. In fact, she should have just told him the truth in the beginning. Then the sh*t wouldn't hath hitteth the fan."
"EDIT: Some people are saying that you should have picked up on the clue when he was surprised that she looked so different. But her cover could have been blown several times over."
"Her friends could have let it slip at any time, like prior to the wedding, during the wedding reception or any social event."
"He could have called her friends to arrange a surprise birthday party for her. The possibilities are endless." - LoveBeach8
"NTA"
"What sort of psycho tells everyone about the work she had done and not her husband, and then doesn't bother telling the people she knows that her husband doesn't know and not to tell him."
"OP's friend is the only a**hole here." - inFinEgan
"NTA"
"Not your fault she tells the whole village but not her husband."
"Also, its not a secret if you tell everyone. She's an AH." - Schafer_Isaac
"'Am I the a**hole because my friend lied to her husband and didn't keep me in the loop'"
"So clearly NTA, lol." - Feroshnikop
"Nta, she's mad at herself, and it's easier to blame you than her. Honestly, not a great trait in a friend."
"Clearly, it would have come up with the old pictures, so I think she probably felt guilty, wanted it to come out but didn't want to pull the trigger." - l3ex_G
"NTA - just as you said it yourself. How are you supposed to know that she lied to her husband?"
"Has he never seen pictures of her when she was younger before? If everyone except him knew, he was bound to find out one day."
"How long have they been married? He's probably more upset that she told him a bald-faced lie rather than that she had surgery." - Visual-Lobster6625
"NTA"
"Sounds like something else is in play...simple logic would have her telling you to keep it a secret or tell him."
"Or maybe he is psychotically against plastic surgery, which would be odd, but who knows." - tombiowami
"NTA, and this is so weird. Did he make some early comment about being anti-plastic surgery or something, and she just never had the nerve to tell him?"
"How on earth would she think he would never find out when all of her friends know, setting aside the fact that she *specifically arranged to view old photos with you and him?"
"(*And where were all the embarrassing childhood photos at their wedding?) She made her bed, and now she's lying in it." - Ashamed_Ad4280
"Good grief, NTA. It wasn't a secret so you had no reason to keep it! She did this to herself."
"She's deflecting blame on you because she got caught in a lie. Is her husband anti-cosmetic surgery or something?"
"Otherwise, why would she be open to everyone but him?! So weird."
"Edit to add, I'm sure it hurts that she claims she 'doesn't want to know you anymore' over a problem she caused."
"If you want to try to save the friendship, you could try writing her a letter, basically saying what you said here."
"And adding that if you had any idea she was keeping this thing a secret from her husband, you wouldn't have said anything."
"But you had no reason to think that based on her history of WANTING it talked about."
"Also, I'd be worried she's going to lie some more and trash talk about you to mutual friends. You might want to get ahead of that and give them a heads up."
"You could send it as a warning- give them a heads up that she just dumped you as a friend because you didn't know the topic of her surgery that she'd broadly spread far and wide was evidently a secret from her husband and you had no idea."
"Let them know to be cautious about what they say around him." - EconomyVoice7358
"YTA. You're not wrong for assuming he knew, but you're wrong for bringing it up with people before she does."
"As someone who tells EVERYONE about their plastic surgery, I'd be pissed if my friend did this. Just because I'm open about it doesn't mean you can be."
"If she doesn't initiate the plastic surgery conversation, you definitely shouldn't be doing it."
"If someone were to compliment her face, would you say 'oh that's the plastic surgery!'?" - gravely-train
"mostly NTA, but I kinda feel like when her husband was surprised at the photo, saying she looked so different, it should have been common sense for you to recognize he clearly didn't know about her surgery."
"Maybe not so smart to bring it up" - Full-Calligrapher-61
"I might get downvoted for this but ESH - she should have been honest with her husband, and you need to stop talking about other people's medical procedures, cosmetic or not." - halibel33
"I think you may be over-egging the "known to everyone" aspect. Otherwise, I would have expected it to come out way sooner than it did."
"I think you are over-egging it to deflect that you opened your mouth without thinking."
"No judgment from me, but you haven't mentioned whether you apologized or not because you should."
"YTA" - MisoRamenSoup
"YTA. You don't mention or bring up anyone else's personal medical history, including cosmetic surgery. Even if they have disclosed it in the past, that is their call to make, not yours."
"If They want to talk about it or disclose it, then that's fine. But you should never assume it is OK to disclose this type of information."
"Discretion is what is missing here." - h2ogal
"Not sure if you're the a**hole. How, after dating and getting married, has not a single person mentioned it to the husband or in his presence before now if it was such an openly discussed topic?"
"Or perhaps she was open about it at the time and hasn't felt the need to bring it up lately. Maybe she's embarrassed about it but can't hide it from those who already know?"
"If you didn't know the husband was unaware, then why did you say "must have been pre surgery'."
"Feels like you would have been like, 'yeah she does' or 'still just as beautiful' without bringing up the surgery thing."
"I'm gonna lean more towards YTA, especially if she's gotten upset with you/ maybe you missed something here" - Illustrious-Big-5872
Big whoops, OP.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.