We’ve all heard what happens when we assume things, right?
That may be especially true of our closest relationships and friendships.
Especially when someone thinks they know what’s going on, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor cantdancestilldoit had enough of hearing her best friend’s theories about what was happening to her relationship.
But after seeing her friend’s reaction, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was too harsh.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my friend that her getting treated like a doormat is her choice and that I won’t do the same?”
The OP was comfortable in her relationship.
“My (27 [Female]) partner ‘S’ (32 [Male]) and I have been together for approximately 3 years.”
“Our relationship has always been a little odd from the outside.”
“S works 80h+/week as a lawyer at a large firm. I work as a policy analyst for the government and at a nice 37.5h/week in comparison.”
“Before we dated, he told me that he wants to work up to being a partner and that that would require long hours. I told him that I prioritize work-life balance, even if it means a lower salary.”
“We agreed to date knowing this about each other.”
The OP’s best friend had a very different relationship.
“My best friend ‘V’ (27 [Female]) and her boyfriend started dating our 1st year of university and have a rocky relationship.”
“The bf cheated on V in our last year of uni and he’s since been caught cheating again twice.”
“V, against my advice, has chosen to stay with him.”
Then the OP’s boyfriend was assigned an assistant.
“S recently got a promotion and, as part of the deal, was assigned an assistant.”
“When I met her I kind of got a vibe that she was crushing on S.”
“She was really flirty and very attentive to S, which he pointed out to me first. He said that he’d still keep her on as assistant but that he would make sure nothing got out of hand.”
“I wasn’t concerned, because I’ve never had a reason to worry that he would cheat on me.”
The OP was comfortable with this, but V was not.
“One night V and I got dinner and later decided to go back to my place.”
“S’s office is in between the restaurant we were at and my apartment building, so I offered to go drop off some food for him. I asked V if it was okay if we stopped and she agreed.”
“When we got to his floor, he was working in a (glass-paneled) room alone with his assistant. I didn’t think much of it, dropped off the food, and left.”
“I also want to add that there were lots of other people in the office.”
“As soon as we left, V asked if that was the assistant that I thought had a crush on S.”
“I said yes, that they often work late together.”
“V got angry at me, saying that I was treating this like a joke and that if I want to keep my man, I have to stake my claim (or something).”
“I explained to her that I wasn’t worried that he would cheat and that I trusted him.”
“V told me that she was certain that he was cheating and that I should force him to ask for a different assistant.”
Their disagreement escalated.
“I was getting kind of annoyed, but it got worse when V said, amongst other things, that S knows he can cheat on me and I’d let him because he makes more money than me so he doesn’t need to respect me bc he pays more.”
“S’s salary is around 3x mine, although I have an okay salary myself (~85k) and don’t need him for money.”
“We split bills %-wise, so I pay less than he does, but it’s equitable and we agreed on it.”
“I told V that just because she’s okay being treated like a doormat doesn’t mean I am and that if he cheated on me, I would leave him.”
“Respect is essential in a relationship.”
“I also said that she had no place offering relationship advice considering her bf is a serial-cheater and they fought all the time.”
“I also said that if she wanted to keep complaining to me, I should start charging her.”
“It was mean and I feel really bad about it now, and she hasn’t talked to me since.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP’s friend was projecting her own insecurities.
“NTA. She’s projecting, and she insisted on being rude while refusing to drop it when you disagreed politely the first time.” – worryaboutYOUh*e
“V cant trust her partner because he has cheated many times and therefore doesn’t understand that other people can have trusting relationships.” – Ok-Isopod1172
“I feel bad for her, but not bad enough to say the OP was the AH. If she had randomly made that remark to her friend, then sure, it’s not a nice thing to say.”
“Totally different story when that friend is lecturing you about how wrong you are in trusting your SO (significant other), while being with a serial cheater yourself.” – happytragedy15
“It’s an interesting thing – those who are insecure about their own relationships have difficulty understanding the boundaries of secure ones.”
“She’s been your friend for a long time, so this may be a nice opportunity to talk about each other’s expectations in a relationship without judgment.” – NoGood_Boyo
Others said the OP didn’t go far with what she said.
“I personally don’t think the remark about charging her was too much because she was way out of line.”
“Just because you said it doesn’t mean you’ll do it, and I bet it made her reconsider what she was doing.” – F**k_you_Reddit_Nazi
“I think it was spot on. If she’s gonna treat you like a therapist instead of taking control over her own life, you should charge her a therapy fee.”
“Harsh? Yeah, but sometimes you have to stop pulling your punches if you want to get through to someone.” – Rega_lazar
“You can apologize if you feel bad, but IMO a little spritz of venom was deserved when V wouldn’t just drop it.” – Marbled_Headcheese
“After you cool down with her and decide to apologize, elaborate how there can be trust in people’s relationships, because she’s clearly not knowledgable that there can be guys that don’t cheat on their girls.”
“Not trying to be insulting but if this has been her only consistent relationship then she knows nothing. So put her in your shoes.” – PrO-_ToNY
Though the friend was offended by what the OP had to say, the subReddit felt the OP was right to stand up for herself and put her friend in her place.
However, this might be an opportunity for these two women to talk about their relationships and what they’re comfortable with putting up with and what they’re not.