Becoming a parent is a transformative experience. Your priorities and activities change seemingly overnight.
But when no one else in your social circle has reached that point in their life, it can also be lonely.
Just because you have a baby doesn’t mean everyone else wants to spend time with an infant.
Most parents will realize this and adjust, but what if a friend who is also a new parent expects everyone to accommodate their new circumstances?
A group of friends in their 20s found themselves dealing with a new mom who refused to leave her baby at home. When someone finally explained why her social calendar was blank, Mom didn’t take the truth well.
So the friend who spilled the beans turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
“AITA for telling my friend her baby is the reason no one wants her around?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“One of my friends, Anna (female, 24), had a baby around six months back. Our friend group is otherwise childless.”
“All of us used to hang out a lot before the baby was born. Baby changed the dynamics because Anna wanted to bring the baby everywhere with her and it’s a baby.”
“We tried to plan things around the baby to include Anna, but it always ended up badly.”
“We shouldn’t drink, ’cause Anna can’t drink. We shouldn’t be loud ’cause the baby needs to sleep.”
“If we try to drink, she guilt trips us about how she hasn’t drunk anything in over a year, how much she craves it, how we should be more supportive of her and not drink.”
“Shushes us when we talk or even eat chips.”
“You gotta understand, the baby is too little. There are not many ‘baby friendly’ activities at this stage other than staying home or visiting a park.”
“We did staying home/cookout stuff. Baby either cried or slept the whole time. Anna wouldn’t even take the baby to another room to soothe, insisting she would miss conversations.”
“When the baby is sleeping, she won’t let the baby sleep in another room. Only near her, in a small bed thing. And keeps shushing the rest of us so as not to wake the baby.”
“We have had like ten separate instances of this, eight of it at her place and two at friends parties.”
“We have suggested going to a park with her. She doesn’t like it. Too many people and too much noise are making the baby upset.”
“Whenever we meet, everything becomes about her baby.”
“I get it, she is a new mom, and her priority is her baby. But when we are asked to not even eat chips ’cause it makes too much noise, our patience wears out.”
“Icing on the cake is her baby is extremely fussy and cries all the time.
“We had a dinner a few weeks ago. We told her about the date and time and asked if her boyfriend would be fine looking after the baby.”
“She said he cannot. He will be tired, it’s no big deal bringing baby. We tried saying how the restaurant might not be kid-friendly and how it might get too late for baby.”
“She laughed it off. We even said we would prefer it with just adults.”
“She brought the baby. Baby cried the whole night.”
“Everyone at the restaurant kept giving us glares, and we had to leave way earlier.”
“She just laughs it off whenever childcare is mentioned or launches into how her boyfriend works hard and deserves rest or how babysitters cannot be trusted.”
“It was just a downer for the rest of us. So we started hanging out without Anna and her baby.”
“Last weekend, all of us went on a staycation. We had a great time and posted photos and videos on Instagram.”
“Anna saw these and called me to ask why I did not ask her to come with. I tried telling her it was a last-minute plan and we could only find a childfree resort so as to not hurt her feelings.”
“She called my bluff, sending me pics some random family had posted with kids at the resort.”
“She kept forcing me, and I told her we did not want to hang out with her baby. She asked how can I say that about her baby.”
“I asked her to leave it at that, but she wouldn’t. I finally told her it was a baby and we are all young. We don’t want to live our life around a baby she chose to have.”
“That we get to do adult stuff and party all we wanted. Her baby is the only reason she wasn’t invited.”
“If she left the baby at home, she can come too.”
“She got pissed off at me and called me an AH. She also sent a text in the group chat saying she is disappointed in all of us for excluding her just because she is a mom.”
“Half of our friend group thinks I should not have told her the real reason and is mad at me. The other half thinks she is unreasonable.”
“AITA for telling her the truth?”
The OP added:
“We have tried to communicate to her about adults-only events before. Other than openly saying don’t come if you have to bring your baby.”
“She refuses to leave baby with her boyfriend or babysitter.”
“Even when we say an event is adults only, like a dinner we had a few weeks ago, she still brought her baby. Baby cried throughout the night, earning us glares, and we had to leave early.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told Anna she is not invited to events and trips because of her insistence on bringing her baby with her.”
“Anna does not have any other friends. Her family lives in a different country too.”
“Her boyfriend works to support them and can’t/won’t take care of their baby himself. Anna does not trust babysitters.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided Anna needed a reality check—OP wasn’t the a**hole for giving her one.
“NTA. You tried to let her down easy, and she kept on asking.”
“Her life is different, and she probably just needs to find a different set of friends, one that more closely aligns with her interests.” ~ ed_lv
“Here’s the cold hard truth a baby changes your life. The things you used to do you can no longer do.”
“Your friend misses her pre-baby life, which is why she wants to be included in all of your hangouts. While this may be cool some of the time, it is not cool all the time.”
“Your friend’s lifestyle has now changed, but her trying to force those changes on you‽‽ Yea, NOPE. Your friend’s choice to have a baby has impacted her social life, but she cannot and should not impose those changes on you.”
“As a friend suggests she finds some Mommy groups. She will meet Moms that she can relate to in a way that you and your friend group cannot.”
“Also if you all want to maintain the friendship, perhaps have one baby-friendly get-together every month or every other month, or perhaps ask her if a family member of her boyfriend can babysit every so often so she can meet you guys for brunch or dinner.”
“She chose to have a baby, and that baby is now her responsibility.”
“It is an unfair and entitled expectation that her friends need to tailor their behavior for her kid. Life does not work like that.” ~ stinstin555
“Most parents will tell you that having kids adds a lot to their lives, but it also means you have to make sacrifices. Your nights out are now at Chuck-E-Cheeze, your movies are Disney, you trade shots for iced tea, etc…”
“You do those things because your child adds to your life. People expect their friends to make the sacrifices along with them for nothing.
“Your child isn’t going to snuggle me every morning and tell me I’m the best mommy ever, I’m not going to walk them down the aisle, they’re not going to care for me when I’m old and sick, or donate an organ, I don’t get a say in how they’re raised and what kind of person they become…”
“I know this sounds very ‘transactional,’ but you can’t expect someone without kids to take on all of the sacrifice with none of the love.” ~ cantthinkofcutename
“Also, how lame that she won’t allow others to drink‽‽”
“I’m a mom. I never implemented that stipulation on my husband, much less my friends. How entitled to think that!”
“She knew she wouldn’t be able to drink for a while, and she cannot control other’s consumption. On that alone, she is an ah, and you are NTA.” ~ IllustratorShort7760
Only a handful of people opted for everyone sucks (ESH) or called the OP the a**hole (YTA) for the lie about the resort, but an overwhelming number chose NTA.
“NTA. You’re not excluding her because she’s a mom.”
“You’re excluding her because she makes being a mom everyone else’s problem—she won’t leave the baby home (doesn’t it have a father present? Grandparents? Anyone who can watch it for a few hours?), she expects you to cater to her needs (you shouldn’t have not to drink just because she can’t), it sounds like she doesn’t remove the baby from the situation when it’s fussy so you all have to deal with it.”
“You have every right to want to be young and act like it. She needs to accept that having a baby has changed things for her, but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to change everything to accommodate that.” ~ knitlikeaboss
“I have 2…I get it… And no, they don’t go with me; actually, I have both registered at four different drop-in daycares around my city, so if one is at capacity, I can drop em off at another for last-minute plans.”
“And I always ask ‘kid friendly’ No? OK, cool, if I can’t get a sitter tonight, I’ll see ya’ll at the next event. NTA.”
“I signed up for the crazy; other people didn’t.”
“While I sincerely feel (and have been told) my kids are well-behaved and respectful, they’re still kids and act like it, and not everyone enjoys it.” ~ CatchMeIfYouCan09
Anna’s current friends have set boundaries she refuses to honor.
Maybe it’s time for Anna to make some mom friends so she can bring her baby to every event.