The grass is always greener on the other side. Even in sexuality?
People of all sexualities are complex, and not everyone is supposed to be “the one.” That has nothing to do with gender.
Redditor ThrowRahate123 encountered this very issue with her friend. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my friend to stop putting lesbians on a pedestal?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m a lesbian myself and my friend always wishes she was dating a woman.”
“She has a boyfriend herself. She keeps on talking about how relationship with women will be perfect. No BS about dealing with men.”
“It is a bit annoying but I would just gently say it was not always perfect. She would nod and the keep saying how dating a women would be better than dating men.”
“A influencer we both follow broke up with her girlfriend and she kept saying how she couldn’t understand how the relationship failed.”
“It is a bit bizarre and I was already irritated.”
“I snapped at her and said that sapphic women can also be horrendous partners and just because they liked women didn’t mean all the problems of relationships disappeared and it was outright reckless to believe that lesbian relationship couldn’t turn toxic.”
“Idk why this pisses me off but it does.”
“My friend isn’t talking to me and my best friend things I went too hard on her and should have just been gentle with her and just pointed it out.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA. Some Straight women are weirdly obsessed with wanting to be gay or acting like gay relationships are some perfect living with your bestie fantasy.”
“You told her the truth. Good for you.” ~ Square-Technology325
“I don’t think this woman is straight.” ~ Ophelia550
“Yea probably bi. Its still weird to act like lesbian relationships are perfect.” ~ Square-Technology325
“Idk, I’ve heard straight women talk like this.” ~ OftheSea95
“Yeah, some straight women have this thing of ‘I’m just gonna start dating women from now on!’ like it’s this solve all choice. Can’t stand it. OP, you’re NTA. I think it’s very telling that your friend doesn’t want to listen to your opinion/lived experience as a lesbian when she discusses lesbianism.”
“Also to add, bc a lot of people are saying she may be lesbian/bi, I don’t think she is. I think she’s just blindly idealizing lesbian relationships bc it’s a weird thing that some straight women tend to do.” ~ antibac2020
“Pretty sure it’s because they’re projecting their relationship needs onto women in relationships, and because they understand those needs, it’ll be easier to meet their partners needs, and have their needs met.”
“It’s BS, but that’s what it looked like when a friend went through that phase.” ~ HuggyMonster69
Idealizing relationships can be harmful.
“This post has me questioning whether Im a long time AH now. I’ve always identified as bi because I’m sexually attracted to women, but have never met one I would want to form a romantic relationship with.”
“I’m kind of convinced I just wouldn’t be a supportive partner to another woman. Feels like the reverse of what OPs friend is saying, but AITA for saying I think same-sex relationships would be harder (at least for me?).” ~ LetMeSmellItFirst
“No! (I’m speaking as someone who is kinda pan, but obviously not speaking for all of us) You’re applying it to yourself, how you would act/feel, rather than applying it to others.”
“So OPs friend was basically saying all men are complicated and women are easier.”
“You’re saying you’d be more complicated with women. Which could be like bisexual but still heteroromatic. (Not trying to label you, just using terms that are easier to understand why that might be as an example).”
“And there’s nothing wrong with you having a preference of gender even if you were just bisexual. Not at all the same thing, you’re not an AH.” ~ Aggressive-Meet1832
“No!! You are not an AH; you are bi if you say/feel you are.”
“This is a big damn umbrella. It would be a very very very small umbrella if it only housed perfect kinsey 3s or whatever. I’d be out in the rain for sure. Some people are bisexual and heteroromantic, a lot people find same-gender romance more intimidating than different-gender romance, especially if they’ve never had one, because heteronormative socialization means we have very few models, some people are just… themselves.”
“You are bi, full stop.”
“I use bi and queer. Some people dislike the latter. I’m very attached to it— it’s a very useful academic term and it is designed around uncertainty and indeterminacy and unquantifiability, making it deliberately very hard to gatekeep— but I don’t use it for people who object to it.”
“If you would like it, I offer it to you, if you would not, I offer to duel people who make you feel unwelcome under the bi umbrella on your behalf.”
“(OP’s friend is being an AH because she’s fetishizing relationships between women (and using gender-essentialist talking points. this is actually terf BS, though the friend probably doesn’t know that) and, cherry on top, is doing it to OP’s face.”
“People saying the friend clearly must be bi are just flat wrong.”
“‘Women are magic perfect partners, men are garbage humans’ is something I hear almost exclusively from straight women, bc it’s a very safe way to complain about patriarchy without having to actually change anything or even identify it as patriarchy.”
“She could be bi, but that’s incidental— and the narrative sucks for bi people, because ‘don’t partner with men unless you have to, and pray you don’t have to’ IS bi erasure. It tells bi men they’re inherently worse partners, all bi people who aren’t women they shouldn’t partner women, and bi people who are women they shouldn’t partner anyone else, and if they do, anything negative about it is their fault. Soapbox, sorry.)” ~ cripslocking
OP’s friend is fetishizing lesbian relationships, and that is not good.