How many of us have had one of those friendships that we emotionally invested in, only to discover later that it wasn’t a real friendship at all?
And why do we always find out at what should be a game-changing time, the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit questioned.
Redditor Galaxy_Orb found herself in this situation recently when one of her friends casually didn’t invite her to an important event.
When friends were divided on what happened, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if she should have responded differently.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for pulling back from a friendship after not being invited to the wedding?”
The OP became friends with Stevie through her friend circle.
“So I (33 [Female]) have known Stevie (28 [Female]) for about 10 years after meeting via mutual friends, and while we were never ‘besties’ (ugh), we’ve always gotten on well as we have quite a lot in common and had the same larger friend group.”
“I’ve often done favors for Stevie, driven her to places when her car broke down, helped out with dog sitting, never anything massively onerous but just the kind of things you do for friends.”
But the OP wasn’t invited to Stevie’s wedding.
“Stevie met her husband about three years ago and got engaged mid-2019, and all of us were really happy for her.”
“I knew she was getting married in January 2020, but as it got closer and I started to see people posting online about preparations, I realized that I wasn’t invited.”
“Not to the ceremony, not the dinner, not even the evening party that you shuffle second cousins off to if you don’t want them at the dinner.”
The OP finally asked about the wedding.
“I wondered whether it was an oversight, since literally all the rest of our friend group were going.”
“I managed to corner one woman who was in the wedding party and asked her about it, and it turned out she’d asked Stevie herself what was going on, and Stevie’s response was to shrug.”
“As far as I know, I have never done anything to offend Stevie or her husband.”
“I wouldn’t have expected to be in the wedding party or anything, but I could not for the life of me work out why I wasn’t even considered worthy to drink a few glasses of wine with everyone else at the evening party, and frankly, it was hurtful.”
“But it’s Stevie’s choice, and it wasn’t an oversight, so I just decided that obviously Stevie didn’t consider me a friend after all, and I stopped all communication with her outside of group chats/events.”
“She texted me a couple of times looking for help as usual, but I didn’t see the need to respond.”
Stevie eventually confronted the OP about it.
“It wasn’t much of an issue due to nothing really being open/safe to do, but now that most of our usual group are vaccinated, we’ve started to meet up again.”
“Last week Stevie had a couple of drinks and decided to ask me ‘why I never speak to her since her wedding’.”
“I was p**sed off, because frankly she should know why, and just said ‘What wedding?’ and walked off.”
“Now apparently I’m the bad guy according to some of our friends (essentially, the women) because I was supposed to pretend everything was fine.”
“The men in the group seem to be siding with me and/or think it’s funny.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the OP’s response to Stevie.
“If something is bothering you, JUST F**KING SAY IT. What do you benefit from passive-aggression? OP was literally asked, ‘Why have you ignored me since the wedding,’ and it’s not hard to say, ‘Because I wasn’t invited and our friendship seems one-sided.’ Be an adult. ESH.” – Sheess9141
“I would have also added, ‘I didn’t realize you were trying to chat with me, it seemed you only reach out when you want something.'” – LimitlessMegan
“OP could even add ‘What friendship?’ To that without being mean. Obviously, there was none.” – InSyzygi
Others advised the OP to reconsider her friend circle.
“I’d be looking for a whole new friend group. There’s the passive-aggressive (or whatever the f**k that is) Stevie.”
“Then there’s a bunch of women who unquestioningly attended and thought nothing of their one friend being excluded.”
“Then there are some guys who think socially ostracizing someone without any apparent cause is ‘funny’ and a few guys who do actually see a problem.”
“Cut and run. This whole circle sucks on balance. Sounds like barely any of them care at all about OP.” – IPetdogs4U
“This is why I feel like everyone knows the reason she was left out. I can’t imagine being cool with ostracising a member of a friend group unless they’d done something awful and I certainly wouldn’t keep it a secret why I’m so repulsed by it.” – The_Blip
“Sounds to me like OP was a doormat. She did things for the bride when she was down on her luck, her friends didn’t notice or care that she wasn’t at the wedding, and then her friends told her she should have acted like nothing happened.”
“OP sounds like the stable one in the friend group that all of her friends rely on to help when needed, but isn’t actually important.”
“That s**t is hurtful to realize and I hope OP can find some actual friends.”
“OP is definitely NTA, but her friends are.” – BellaMuerte89
Some affirmed the OP made the right choice in distancing herself from Stevie.
“Stevie is a user. Plain and simple. Users don’t like it when others become aware that they’re users and will do everything in their power to flip the script and make themselves the victim.”
“It’s very unlikely that OP is the only ‘useful’ person who was snubbed.” – -janelleybeans-
“The thing is the bride is trying to provoke her and make her look crazy. The second she mentions that she is angry because she wasn’t invited to the wedding, the bride will make this all about her and try to play the friend up to look crazy and entitled for being angry she was not invited, even though she knows exactly what she did and that it was hurtful.”
“I am all for confronting someone when something bothers you, but in this instance, I think ignoring her and not playing into it will make the bride even angrier.” – elvtd1
Even if the OP could have said something else during her exchange with Stevie, the subReddit unanimously affirmed the OP of her reaction and her feelings.
It’s pretty common knowledge that if you’re going to invite most people from a friend circle, you should invite all of them to avoid future hurt feelings and have the best possible time at the wedding.