How many of us have had one of those friendships that we emotionally invested in, only to discover later that it wasn't a real friendship at all?
And why do we always find out at what should be a game-changing time, the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit questioned.
Redditor Galaxy_Orb found herself in this situation recently when one of her friends casually didn't invite her to an important event.
When friends were divided on what happened, the Original Poster (OP) questioned if she should have responded differently.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for pulling back from a friendship after not being invited to the wedding?"
The OP became friends with Stevie through her friend circle.
"So I (33 [Female]) have known Stevie (28 [Female]) for about 10 years after meeting via mutual friends, and while we were never 'besties' (ugh), we've always gotten on well as we have quite a lot in common and had the same larger friend group."
"I've often done favors for Stevie, driven her to places when her car broke down, helped out with dog sitting, never anything massively onerous but just the kind of things you do for friends."
But the OP wasn't invited to Stevie's wedding.
"Stevie met her husband about three years ago and got engaged mid-2019, and all of us were really happy for her."
"I knew she was getting married in January 2020, but as it got closer and I started to see people posting online about preparations, I realized that I wasn't invited."
"Not to the ceremony, not the dinner, not even the evening party that you shuffle second cousins off to if you don't want them at the dinner."
The OP finally asked about the wedding.
"I wondered whether it was an oversight, since literally all the rest of our friend group were going."
"I managed to corner one woman who was in the wedding party and asked her about it, and it turned out she'd asked Stevie herself what was going on, and Stevie's response was to shrug."
"As far as I know, I have never done anything to offend Stevie or her husband."
"I wouldn't have expected to be in the wedding party or anything, but I could not for the life of me work out why I wasn't even considered worthy to drink a few glasses of wine with everyone else at the evening party, and frankly, it was hurtful."
"But it's Stevie's choice, and it wasn't an oversight, so I just decided that obviously Stevie didn't consider me a friend after all, and I stopped all communication with her outside of group chats/events."
"She texted me a couple of times looking for help as usual, but I didn't see the need to respond."
Stevie eventually confronted the OP about it.
"It wasn't much of an issue due to nothing really being open/safe to do, but now that most of our usual group are vaccinated, we've started to meet up again."
"Last week Stevie had a couple of drinks and decided to ask me 'why I never speak to her since her wedding'."
"I was p**sed off, because frankly she should know why, and just said 'What wedding?' and walked off."
"Now apparently I'm the bad guy according to some of our friends (essentially, the women) because I was supposed to pretend everything was fine."
"The men in the group seem to be siding with me and/or think it's funny."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned the OP's response to Stevie.
"If something is bothering you, JUST F**KING SAY IT. What do you benefit from passive-aggression? OP was literally asked, 'Why have you ignored me since the wedding,' and it's not hard to say, 'Because I wasn't invited and our friendship seems one-sided.' Be an adult. ESH." - Sheess9141
"I would have also added, 'I didn't realize you were trying to chat with me, it seemed you only reach out when you want something.'" - LimitlessMegan
"OP could even add 'What friendship?' To that without being mean. Obviously, there was none." - InSyzygi
Others advised the OP to reconsider her friend circle.
"I'd be looking for a whole new friend group. There's the passive-aggressive (or whatever the f**k that is) Stevie."
"Then there's a bunch of women who unquestioningly attended and thought nothing of their one friend being excluded."
"Then there are some guys who think socially ostracizing someone without any apparent cause is 'funny' and a few guys who do actually see a problem."
"Cut and run. This whole circle sucks on balance. Sounds like barely any of them care at all about OP." - IPetdogs4U
"This is why I feel like everyone knows the reason she was left out. I can't imagine being cool with ostracising a member of a friend group unless they'd done something awful and I certainly wouldn't keep it a secret why I'm so repulsed by it." - The_Blip
"Sounds to me like OP was a doormat. She did things for the bride when she was down on her luck, her friends didn't notice or care that she wasn't at the wedding, and then her friends told her she should have acted like nothing happened."
"OP sounds like the stable one in the friend group that all of her friends rely on to help when needed, but isn't actually important."
"That s**t is hurtful to realize and I hope OP can find some actual friends."
"OP is definitely NTA, but her friends are." - BellaMuerte89
Some affirmed the OP made the right choice in distancing herself from Stevie.
"Stevie is a user. Plain and simple. Users don't like it when others become aware that they're users and will do everything in their power to flip the script and make themselves the victim."
"It's very unlikely that OP is the only 'useful' person who was snubbed." - -janelleybeans-
"NTA"
"The thing is the bride is trying to provoke her and make her look crazy. The second she mentions that she is angry because she wasn't invited to the wedding, the bride will make this all about her and try to play the friend up to look crazy and entitled for being angry she was not invited, even though she knows exactly what she did and that it was hurtful."
"I am all for confronting someone when something bothers you, but in this instance, I think ignoring her and not playing into it will make the bride even angrier." - elvtd1
Even if the OP could have said something else during her exchange with Stevie, the subReddit unanimously affirmed the OP of her reaction and her feelings.
It's pretty common knowledge that if you're going to invite most people from a friend circle, you should invite all of them to avoid future hurt feelings and have the best possible time at the wedding.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and I got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.' And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.