As much as we would like everything to work out for the best, some of our relationships will not survive and are better left off in the past.
This unfortunately includes becoming estranged from some of our loved ones.
But our other loved ones may not always agree with our choices, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Alzinam’s family kept trying to find a way to bring him back together with his estranged brother.
When they reacted to his resistance, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he was being too harsh.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for not inviting my brother to my wedding and telling my parents and sister that if they try to bring him, they will be asked to leave?”
The OP cut his brother out of his life after boundaries were crossed.
“I have an older sister and a younger brother. Growing up I was close to both my sister and brother.”
“Then around high school, my brother started flirting with girls I liked, even girls I was dating, ended up in a relationship with one of my ex’s right after we broke up, and then he ended up sleeping with my ex-fiancee while we were still together and three months away from our wedding.”
“After that, I cut him off. I said we were done, he was dead to me, and I no longer had a brother and never would again.”
The OP didn’t invite his estranged brother to his wedding.
“It’s been 7 years and I’m engaged again. My wedding is actually this January. It’s small, intimate, with our closest friends and family.”
“But my parents and sister are upset my brother didn’t get an invite.”
“I told them he was not welcome.”
“They said he’s still my brother. I said no. He stopped being my brother a long time ago.”
“He reached out via social media and asked if we could let the past be in the past and move on. That he had always regretted what he did, he knows he treated me s**ttily, but he has changed so much throughout his 20s and wants to make amends.”
“I blocked him and didn’t reply.”
The OP’s family didn’t agree with his decision.
“My sister said she would just bring him as her plus-one if I won’t be the bigger man.”
“I told her and my parents (they were there during this) that if any of them bring him with them, I will make sure they all leave and they will not be welcome back to the wedding. That I am serious about this.”
“They are saying I’m an a**hole, and if I’m happy, I should be open to reconciling.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said it was absolutely up to the OP.
“NTA. Yes, people grow and change, but the harm is done. He can’t undo it.”
“Plus, it’s YOUR day. Do what makes you happy. I will say consider reconciliation in the future when you’re not pressured into it. You might be able to foster a level of civility.” – lonniebfly
“Growing and changing is good. Wanting to reconcile is good.”
“But it’s irrelevant to whether or not the person chooses to forgive you. A lot of people seem to assume that if they apologize, then the person HAS to forgive them, and that if they don’t, then AH status passes to the person who was wronged.”
“But that’s wrong. Even if you debase yourself completely and beg, it doesn’t matter. If you’re only sorry if you get what you want, then you’re not sorry at all.”
“Personally, I don’t think the brother HAS grown and changed, since he’s trying to force his way into a big event instead of accepting the no.” – PoisonPlushi
“If he had really changed, he would understand what he had done to you and that you don’t want him at your wedding. But thinking that it is enough to say, ‘I’ve changed,’ and now everything is forgotten and forgiven is so narcissistic and entitled.”
“And why did he wait to contact you until you want to marry if he changed? Maybe he wants to try to f**k your other finance?”
“It is your right to go no contact with whoever you want, even family. And if the rest of the family can’t accept it, I don’t know if they are worth fighting for.” – Acceptable-Abalone20
“NTA. Your wedding, your reasonable rules.”
“Talk to your fiancee about hiring bouncers for the wedding, and give them a pic of your brother along with his name.”
“Make sure they know that if brother tries to enter that sis/parents are to be rejected and/or ejected from the wedding.” – lexkixass
Others said the OP deserved an apology.
“Hearing that your brother doesn’t want someone at his wedding and saying, ‘I’ll just bring him as my plus-one’ is an action that his sister made, and it shows a complete disregard for his feelings. I wouldn’t cut them out of my life over that, but I would expect an apology.” – DefenestratorOfSouls
“In some instances, ‘not taking a side’ IS actually taking a side. By not taking a side, they’re willing to ignore the crappy behavior of one person and rug sweep.”
“That the family is trying to force a reconciliation makes them even worse.”
“NTA” – Veridical_Perception
“NTA. Everything he said was not actually any sort of apology. If he wanted to truly make amends, he could have tried at any point in time before now. He knows that him not being invited will spotlight his treatment of you and make people ask questions, so he’s wanting to rug sweep it all so that he doesn’t look bad.”
“You’re allowed to invite or not invite. In this case, it’s totally understandable why you don’t want him there.” – MadHatter06
“100% agree. Reconciliation is not a friggin spectator sport. AH bro would probably make a big deal of making up in front of the wedding crowd to make himself out to be the bigger man.”
“If sincere make a private apology and see if OP is willing to work up to a point of trust. If he was sincere he’d truly understand that the wedding is about his brother and fiancé, not him.” – Stoneman57
The OP and his family were at odds about what he should do regarding inviting his estranged brother, but the subReddit thought the solution was clear. The OP was allowed to invite or not invite anyone he wanted to his wedding, especially given the history. If the brother was truly wanting to make amends, he could reconsider his timing.