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Woman Snaps After Gay Friend Won’t Stop Begging Her To Be His Surrogate And Carry His Baby

Baby with two dads
Daniel Garrido/Getty Images

Content Warning: Coercion, Consent, Pregnancy, Surrogacy, Stories of Pregnancy Complications and Pregnancy Trauma

While parenthood isn’t for everyone, some people dream of nothing more than having a child.

Though this wish is incredibly wholesome, it’s no excuse to treat others who already have babies, or who could have babies, poorly, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor Poufsshaila had been best friends with Jared since they were teenagers, and when he came out as gay, he confided his wish for her to be his surrogate someday.

When he later got married and demanded she take up her role as a surrogate, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked by how angry he became over her saying no, despite her already having said no consistently for fifteen years.

She asked the sub:

“AITAH for telling my gay best friend I will NEVER give birth to his child?”

The OP’s best friend started asking her to be his surrogate when they were teenagers.

“I’ve known my best friend, Jared (30 Male), since we were in school. We did everything together and were inseparable. I was even the first person he came out to, and we’ve always supported each other.”

“When we were 15, he told me for the first time that he wanted me to give birth to his child with his future husband because he, being a man, could never get pregnant.”

“At the time, I told him no, because I had recently watched a series where a woman gave birth to the triplets of his brother and became depressed after.”

“I’ve always been a sensitive person and suffer from anxiety and depression because of childhood trauma. So even at that age, I was aware that I couldn’t go through something like that.”

“But he got mad and didn’t talk to me for two days.”

Over the years, the OP always consistently said no to Jared’s demands for surrogacy.

“Then we went back to talking normally, but every now and then, he would bring up the topic again, getting angry every time I told him I would never do that for anyone, even if he paid me.”

“I explained to him a thousand times, but he didn’t seem to understand.”

“Eventually, he stopped mentioning it, and I thought he had finally matured and understood me.”

“But now jump to this year, when his boyfriend proposed to him… During a dinner with friends, he asked me again. The pair of them said they would pay me well and that if I needed therapy, they would also cover those expenses.”

“I got angry and told him that I would NEVER give birth to his child and that I didn’t understand why he kept insisting.”

“I pointed out that if he was so willing to compensate me well financially, he should save that money and pay a woman willing to do it.”

“But as always, he got mad at me and left the restaurant with his boyfriend following him.”

The people in the OP’s life were divided over her decision.

“Most of my friends, women to be more precise, are on my side and agree that it’s uncomfortable that he keeps insisting, while other friends from the community think I’m overreacting and that it would be a nice thing to do.”

“Most of my friends are on my side, but they think we should meet to talk about this more calmly.”

“But what bothers me the most is that he has been like this for years, and I always have to seek him out or wait for him to approach me again.”

“I appreciate him a lot because we’ve been friends for so long, 15 years, but I’m tired of this pointless argument and him getting mad at me for deciding about my body.”

“He always says he wants me to give birth to his child because I’m the person he trusts most in the world, but I really don’t want to do it. But at the same time, I don’t want to lose him.”

“AITAH?”

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

  • NTA: Not the A**hole
  • YTA: You’re the A**hole
  • ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
  • NAH: No A**holes Here

Some reassured the OP that this was not “a nice thing to do” but a hardship for her body.

“It’s not ‘a nice thing to do,’ it’s a very invasive thing happening to your body and mind that will change you forever. Nothing will ever be the same after, and not everyone can handle that.”

“I think you’re very mature for knowing you would not. NTA.”

“He is a massive AH, though. If he has the money, he can pay a surrogate who is willing. It’s very rude to demand this of a so-called friend.” – Exact-Replacement418

“‘A nice thing to do’ is to help paint the kiddo’s nursery, not birth the kiddo!” – Notte_di_nerezza

“All of these people who are encouraging you to volunteer your body aren’t your friends, and neither is he.”

“Is this why he’s hung out with you so long? Sure, the instinctive answer is no, but look at what happens every time you make it clear that it isn’t going to happen. How/why does this guy feel entitled to YOUR reproductive system? He isn’t even your husband, and he’s making these demands of you? (And no, I don’t feel a husband is entitled to you, either, but at least it would MAKE SENSE in that context how having a child would at least come up at some point.)”

“In my honest opinion, after his entitled behavior, intentional or not, inciting the others against you in a possible life or death matter, you need to be done. With him, and any who agrees with him and pressures you.”

“Also, ‘A nice thing to do?’ A nice thing to do is to watch their dog while they’re on vacation, not put your life at risk, and allow them within your deepest, most private system the seed of someone you’re not in love with! I am prone to see the dark side, but I really can’t help but think this guy nurtured a friendship for the sake of incubation.” – Morindin_al_Thor

“He wants you to carry his child because he trusts you so much, so why doesn’t he trust you when you say it will never happen?”

“NTA, and frankly, I would consider breaking off this friendship. Just because he’s gay doesn’t make the idea of laying claim to your womb any less creepy.”

“Can you imagine this in a straight scenario? A man telling a woman over and over that he’s not even dating that they will carry his child?”

“At the very least, I’d call it like I see it, ‘Stop fantasizing about using my body to fulfill your desires.'” – badbrother420

“It sounds like Jared is only friends with OP because she has a uterus.”

“Since he has no limit for disrespecting your boundaries, he’ll also expect to have control over every aspect of your life, from your schedule to diet if you carry his child. He’ll probably also get you to cave in and care for the child so he and his partner can have alone time or go on vacations.”

“Ghost him like he ghosts you when he doesn’t get what he wants. NTA.” – jasperjamboree

Others agreed and pointed out the many hardships involved in pregnancy.

“There are women who die during pregnancy and childbirth. It is not a benign thing to put your body through at all. I had a tough pregnancy and 5 years later, I am still on blood pressure medication despite a 60lb weight loss.” – dinomum315

“I got dozens of stitches, inside (up the entire length) and outside my vagina. I hemorrhaged after my first was born.”

“I went on to have another kid and offered to be a surrogate for my sister since she was struggling to keep a pregnancy (though thankfully, one stuck, and she’s due this winter), but my God, if anyone demanded it of me, I would say no even though I had actually been willing to do it in theory.” – Magnaflorius

“Pregnancy permanently changes a woman’s body so irrevocably that scientists can tell which skeletons were women who bore children. It’s not something to do lightly.”

“Some other points: it would require diet and lifestyle changes for the pregnancy. Drinking? Coffee? Sushi? Food cravings and intolerances. Extreme fatigue.”

“Is this male friend who won’t take no for an answer about using your womb going to be okay with you dating and having sex with others while carrying his child? Or will part of his payment be expecting that he’s buying abstinence? Are you willing to sacrifice a year of dating life?”

“Body dysmorphia during and after pregnancy and getting used to a mom bod is a huge change. Many people feel extreme feelings around no longer having their baby inside them and being a separate being, and those feelings of emptiness (and organs shifting around) are only going to be emphasized in a situation where you have to give up the child.” – notthedefaultname

“HELLP (Haemolysis Elevated Liver enzymes Low Platelets, a type of preeclampsia) pain is excruciating. I had HELLP, resulting in a preemie, and there are no words for how guilty and inadequate I felt seeing my tiny baby in the NICU.”

“I developed PTSD from my experience, thankfully now resolved, and lifelong health issues that at least aren’t as bad as they could have been. While HELLP is rare, pregnancy complications unfortunately aren’t.”

“Given the level of entitlement described, I don’t get the impression that OP’s friend would be supportive in a health crisis. I hope he does a lot of growing up before he has a kid of his own to support. They’re a lot harder work than friendships.” – Affectionate-Ad1444

“In case OP needs a list of things about her body that may happen/change forever in case she needs it to present to him or anyone else.”

“Let’s start with possible death; scarring and long recovery from a c-section, premature labour and other complications, mental trauma associated with these events, and potential mental impact of growing but not keeping the child.”

“Now that the biggies are out of the way, let’s list some other lasting side effects that aren’t things going wrong with the actual pregnancy!”

“6. Stretch marks. Perhaps minor, perhaps severe.”

“7. There is nothing worse than a pimple inside one of those deep severe stretch marks doesn’t happen often but when it does… god d**mit.”

“8. Needing to cross your legs real quick whenever you cough or sneeze.”

“9. You have a nasty cold? Time to break out the period protection for all the bladder leakage cause you’ve done 10,000 pelvic floor exercises but snissing just is a thing for life now.”

“10. Increased likelihood to suffer reoccurring hemorrhoids.”

“11. You may or not experience a permanent change to the shape and size of breasts as well as permanently wider hips.”

“12. Chromic back pain.”

“13. Changes to hair ranging the gamut from hair loss to better or worse texture thickness, etc.”

“14. Varicose veins.”

“15. Boy, I wanna complain about mastitis but probably not relevant for the OP.”

“I feel like points six through fourteen are all decently common all things that either I’ve experienced or women I know have. We could keep expanding the list into other potential complications like ab separation, lasting perennial pain, bladder dropping (which horrified me to learn existed), and increased risk of type two diabetes”

“I feel like it’s a good start to a list of physical changes that might not occur to OP. This would not be a nice thing to do, especially for someone who behaves like Jared. This would be a total lifestyle change and possibly future redirection for the OP, none of which should be taken at all lightly.” – constituo_chao

The subReddit was furious on the OP’s behalf, not only because Jared had been pressuring her for years to be a surrogate despite her refusal but also because so many people in the OP’s life were trying to convince her that this wasn’t such a big deal and that it was just “a nice thing to do.”

Pregnancy coercion is a real phenomenon, as is gaslighting, and it seemed the OP needed to remove from her circle everyone who was actively bringing those phenomena into her life.

Written by McKenzie Lynn Tozan

McKenzie Lynn Tozan has been a part of the George Takei family since 2019 when she wrote some of her favorite early pieces: Sesame Street introducing its first character who lived in foster care and Bruce Willis delivering a not-so-Die-Hard opening pitch at a Phillies game. She's gone on to write nearly 3,000 viral and trending stories for George Takei, Comic Sands, Percolately, and ÜberFacts. With an unstoppable love for the written word, she's also an avid reader, poet, and indie novelist.