Is it ever acceptable for an out and proud LGBTQ person to retreat back into the closet in order to deceive someone for an objective?
That is what Redditor throwawaystr8forpay—a gay man—is struggling with after his very religious grandfather threatened the future of his livelihood in a conversation.
He decided to visit the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for some clarity and asked:
“AITA for pretending to be straight to get an inheritance?”
The Original Poster (OP) began by describing his grandfather’s wealthy status.
“So my grandpa worked pretty high up in the state government and earned a lot. He’s not a billionaire or anything but he is quite well off, enough to leave high 6 figures for everyone in the family (that’s 3 children and 6 grandchildren).”
“As for me, I’m 26 and have been gay and out since I was in middle school. My parents and brother have always been very supportive.”
“It never really came up around my extended family cuz I don’t date much and we’re not super close, so the topic was never raised. I wasn’t even 100% they knew, but i guess it’s pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain.”
“My grandma died several years back and my grandpa remarried. The new wife is nice enough, but she’s a born again Christian and she forced him to convert before they got married. He seems to buy in completely now, even though he was never religious at all before that.”
“My family and I went to visit my grandfather over Labor Day. While we were there we were taking about [the virus] and mortality and the topic of his will came up, and our of the blue he goes ‘we have something we’ve been meaning to say to you OP.'”
“They proceed to inform me that because of my ‘lifestyle choices’ and ‘choosing homosexuality’ they opted not to include me in the will.”
“I was pretty shocked, and so were my parents and younger brother. To their credit my parents started to try to defend me, but I interrupted them and basically went ‘this seems like a good time to bring up something I’VE been meaning to talk about.’ Basically I said I had been reconsidering my ‘lifestyle’ for a while and that maybe this was the kick in the pants I needed to make a real change.”
“I said that obviously I wanted the inheritance, but more importantly it was a sign that I needed to rethink my lifestyle. My grandpa seemed surprised but pleased. My immediate family was incredibly confused and we left pretty much immediately.”
Afterward, the OP attempted to justify his decision to his parents and younger brother.
“In the car home I clarified that this was a bunch of BS and I thought grandpa was an a**hole but I’ll be damned if I’ll lose out on my share of near a million dollars. I only see my extended family maybe twice a year so it shouldn’t be hard to just update them on ‘my new lifestyle’ for a couple years till my grandpa dies.”
“Both my parents and younger brother had reservations, but my brother especially thought it was ‘insane’ that I would sell out my identity and spout toxic BS. He said he thought it was an awful idea and that I should have more self respect and that it was essentially a disservice to gays everywhere to act like this.”
“At first I blew it off but I’ve been thinking and I’m not so sure. Am I really selling other gay people down the river for some money?”
“Am I just being a greedy a**hole, or is this a fair reaction to getting written out by my (newly) homophobic grandpa?”
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked if and where guilt belongs by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors gave the OP permission to keep up false pretenses where an exorbitant amount of money was involved.
“NTA. Get that cheddar, donate some to at risk LGBT youth or something.” – stressrelief375
“Yes, pretending in front of a couple of coots won’t make a huge difference to the LGBTQIA+ community.”
“Being in a position to help financially (even just having the ability and freedom to act as a financially secure person) will do a lot more for the better.” – MrsPloppers
“Bingo. If you’re going to do something as asinine as base your will on the sexual orientations of your grandchildren, and to further still, just believe OP has ‘changed their mind’ about something as core as their identity, you deserve to be lied to and you deserve to be taken advantage of.”
“Frankly I wish more young folks would take this attitude, take these f’king boomers for everything they’re worth.” – FlownScepter
“NTA – Even if you were close with your grandfather (which I take it you aren’t especially) if he’s that willing to disown you I think that tells you enough about the relationship. So long as it doesn’t hurt you or anyone you’re close with in your family/a future partner.”
“If it were me however, I’d donate a decent sum of the money to a charity that helps LGBT youth; then you’re making something good out of getting this money AND who doesn’t love a little bit of irony.” – Counter_Clockwise345
The OP responded to the above comment with:
“Yeah, we’re not close but neither is the rest of the family—it’s a very cold, distant vibe on that side of the family. And I donate some of my (moderate) income already, so I’d be planning on donating a portion of anything I got too.”
Some Redditors found the younger brother to be disagreeable.
“Brother has nothing to lose but he’s being preachy from his seat of privilege, guilting OP for making the choice that is best for OP.”
“I don’t care even if he gives up his share. OP doesn’t have to ditch the inheritance.” – mmousey
“NTA. The brother who thinks you’re a sell out; if you dont pretend to be straight and do end up cut from the will, is he gonna be giving you a portion if his share so that you end up with what you would have gotten?”
“If not, then he can keep his damn mouth shut. You’re doing what it takes to secure your future. I see no issue with this.” – SA_Starling_
“Right, did OP’s brother angrily reject his share of the inheritance on the grounds that grandpa was discriminating against his brother? Nope.” – theforceisfemale
“NTA. Your straight brother doesn’t get to decide what is or isn’t a ‘disservice to gays.’”
“We have been hiding our identities to survive throughout human history. Brother needs to zip it and recognize that he is way out of his zone here.” – kjimbro
The OP was urged to take the money without compromising his sexual identity while in the presence of his grandparents.
“Keep it, use the money to be EXTRA gay. And every year, visit dear old gramps’s burial site and leave a little rainbow flag on his grave.”
“Oh and also it’s hardly fair of your brother to suggest you have to represent all of gaymanity. I mean, if HE wants to tell gramps that HE’S gay to prove a point, more power to him.”
“NTA, just the grandson to one.” – gdaaayyy
“NTA. You have not set gay rights back a hundred years by going back into the closet around your bigoted grandfather. Get your inheritance, donate some of it to gay rights organizations, and live your best wealthy gay life.” – poodle_kitten
“Honestly I don’t think OP is morally obligated to donate any of the money. It’s his to do what he wants with.”
“If he chooses to donate some of it that’s great but the NTA judgement should hold regardless of what he does with the money.” – drphil66
Overall, Redditors said the OP was not doing a disservice to his fellow LGBTQ community by taking the inheritance.
The OP said he plans to take the money and donate a portion of it to an LGBTQ organization.