Changing plans is always a frustrating situation.
Even if a change of plans is ultimately for the better, having to cancel and rearrange all your earlier plans tends to be a stressful endeavor.
Especially if your former plans involved someone else.
As the people involved in your earlier plans might not be quite as excited or understanding upon learning what you're going to be doing instead.
Especially if they don't factor in.
The daughter of Redditor Fit-Spot5840 was looking forward to some quality time with her friends following the culmination of exams.
However, a surprise visitor resulted in the original poster (OP) and their daughter abruptly changing their plans.
A change that the mother of one of the friends of the OP's daughter did not appreciate in the slightest.
Having some doubts about how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for 'making' my daughter miss a hangout?"
The OP explained why she found herself in a bit of a tiff with the mother of one of their daughter's friends:
"My daughter (14 F[emale]) has been planning a hangout for a month or so now."
"This hangout was right after her last exam (on a Friday) and included all her friends."
"The entire month she has not been able to go out as she has been studying for these exams, I am immensely proud of her and she came back extremely happy, so I am sure her hard work has paid off."
"When my daughter told me about this hangout, I immediately agreed telling her I'd give the money for the same."
"This however, was not necessary, as her friend had her birthday only a day later and said friend's parents had agreed to pay for the escape room they'd be doing and dinner."
"A bit before that final exam, I learnt that my sister and her family were flying over on Friday, right at the time my daughter would be taking her test."
"They had booked a 'weekend getaway' at a nearby resort and had everything planned for us to leave right as my daughter came back home."
"My daughter loves her aunt and cousin."
"I told my daughter about this and asked her which she would prefer."
"She was also, as expected, very excited."
"However, she quickly told me that she wouldn't be able to tell her friends since they had all been looking forward to this hangout together and she would feel very bad doing so."
"Understanding this, I decided to text the birthday girl's mother telling her the situation."
"It was not until we were already on our road trip that I got a call from her, asking me where my daughter was."
"When it became clear to me that she had not read the text, I reiterated what I wrote in the text earlier, apologizing to her for any problems caused."
"The girl's mother got very upset at this and told me that she had already booked the escape room for a specific number of people and that she had paid per person."
"I immediately told her that I would be happy to give her back the money and apologized for the issue."
"She then started yelling at me, saying that it was not about the money and that she had purposely planned it today so all her friends could attend."
"I was informed then that the only reason they were hosting it a day early was because it would ensure all her friends would come, as if they had done it on the girl's actual birthday, some kids would not be allowed to go due to an apparent 'no hangouts two days in a row' rule."
"Which I still can say, is a very weird rule, especially at 14."
"Though surprisingly, at least two of the girls in that friend group would have been held back for such a reason."
"I tried apologizing but said there was nothing I could do as we were already on the road."
"She screamed at me a little more before hanging up."
"I have tried giving her back the money spent on my daughter, but she refuses to take it."
"All the parents involved in this (that I could speak to about it) are split."
"Some say that a getaway that pricey could not be forgone and it was only a hangout, whereas others say that their kids were very disappointed at my daughter being absent as she had promised them she'd be there."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who generally agreed that they were indeed the a**hole for how they handled their daughter missing her hangout.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP shouldn't have merely texted the mother of her daughter's friend, as she had spent money on this endeavor. Since this hangout was in the books for months, and their sister's visit was so last minute, canceling the hangout was an irresponsible decision:
"This whole thing is odd."
"At 14 she has to study for a whole month with no social breaks?"
"She then has plans that you make her break, or even encourage or allow her to break to go on some surprise family trip."
"She would rather do that than hang with her friends that she hasn't spent time with in a month?"
"You were rude breaking the appt for your daughter and agreeing to this trip."
"YTA."- LCJ75
"YTA."
"Your 14-year-old daughter started this with better communication than you ever used during this situation."
"She told you she felt bad canceling on her friends."
"You then took it upon yourself to text the friend's mum."
"INFO: did you explicitly make sure that's what your daughter wanted you to do?"
"Secondly did you bother to make sure the other mum SAW your text?"
"You didn't call, you didn't check she even got your message; you wiped your hands of the whole thing after you did 'your part'."
"If your daughter still wanted to go to the hangout instead, after all these strict rules for studying, you're extra sucky for denying her that."
"This was scheduled ages in advance, and you just blew it all off to play happy family for a day when, realistically, Aunty and Cousin wouldn't have died not seeing your daughter."
"Another mum has now wasted a bunch of money, and I bet I had no time to even try to find someone else to replace your kid that now wasn't coming."
"The world doesn't revolve around any of you."
"You're old enough to actually communicate and try to RESOLVE things on both sides instead of being childish about having 'done your part'."
"I've expanded on this more in a couple of other replies as well, about how you railroaded your daughter into going on your sister's surprise trip."
"You're trying to blame sis like she's your mommy and you don't get a choice in being dragged along!"- Stuck_In_Purgatory
"YTA."
"When you have to cancel an event at such short notice, the minimum amount of respect would be to call the person directly instead of sending a simple SMS."
"Other than teaching your daughter to be petty, as you seem to be, I don't see the point of this post."
"Don't be surprised if your daughter loses friends and/or invitations in the future."
"She is simply a reflection of yourself."- mikoline971
"How would you have felt if someone did that to your daughter?"
"At that age friends are very important and you let the birthday girl down."
"If you make a commitment, keep it."
"YTA."- FasterThanNewts
Some, however, didn't think anyone looked particularly good in this situation, feeling the mother of the OP's daughter's friend badly overreacted, and it was obnoxious of the OP's sister to just throw a "getaway" on them... even if they still vehemently disagreed with the OP's behavior:
"ESH."
"What a sh*tshow."
"'A bit before that final exam, I learnt that my sister and her family were flying over on Friday'."
"Exactly when did your sister spring these last-minute travel plans on you?"
"'They had booked a 'weekend getaway' at a nearby resort and had everything planned for us'."
"Why would you not have been informed about something like this with any kind of advance notice?"
"'I told my daughter about this and asked her which she would prefer. She was also, as expected, very excited. However, she quickly told me that she wouldn't be able to tell her friends since they had all been looking forward to this hangout together and she would feel very bad doing so.'"
"Why are you shielding your child from the consequences of her own decisions?"
"How is she going to learn any social skills that way?"- StAlvis
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things currently stood with her daughter and her friends, as well as that one furious mother:
"To sum it up, since the post I have tried to amend things based on comments."
"I've told my sister to give me more of a warning even during her surprise plans and apologized to the mother I talked to on the phone earlier for not having given her a warning and for texting instead of calling."
"She seems to understand, and all is good between us."
"As for my daughter and her friends, they didn't care for long, as far as I know."
"She came back home on Wednesday from school and told me that though some of her friends were upset originally, a lot of them supported her and said it was fine when she apologized."
"She offered to make a handmade gift for the birthday girl to say sorry, which is a great idea, and I'm proud of her for that."
"Thank you all for the comments."
"Definitely understand my mistakes a bit more now than I did originally."
"Appreciate it again!"
It's hard to say no to a luxurious weekend away.
It's easier to say no to that, however, when you already have long-standing plans with people who are important to you.
A lesson that the OP will hopefully remember from now on.
As one imagines, the friends of the OP's daughter, as well as their parents, will be less forgiving should this happen again.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp