Changing plans is always a frustrating situation.
Even if a change of plans is ultimately for the better, having to cancel and rearrange all your earlier plans tends to be a stressful endeavor.
Especially if your former plans involved someone else.
As the people involved in your earlier plans might not be quite as excited or understanding upon learning what you’re going to be doing instead.
Especially if they don’t factor in.
The daughter of Redditor Fit-Spot5840 was looking forward to some quality time with her friends following the culmination of exams.
However, a surprise visitor resulted in the original poster (OP) and their daughter abruptly changing their plans.
A change that the mother of one of the friends of the OP’s daughter did not appreciate in the slightest.
Having some doubts about how she handled things, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for ‘making’ my daughter miss a hangout?”
The OP explained why she found herself in a bit of a tiff with the mother of one of their daughter’s friends:
“My daughter (14 F[emale]) has been planning a hangout for a month or so now.”
“This hangout was right after her last exam (on a Friday) and included all her friends.”
“The entire month she has not been able to go out as she has been studying for these exams, I am immensely proud of her and she came back extremely happy, so I am sure her hard work has paid off.”
“When my daughter told me about this hangout, I immediately agreed telling her I’d give the money for the same.”
“This however, was not necessary, as her friend had her birthday only a day later and said friend’s parents had agreed to pay for the escape room they’d be doing and dinner.”
“A bit before that final exam, I learnt that my sister and her family were flying over on Friday, right at the time my daughter would be taking her test.”
“They had booked a ‘weekend getaway’ at a nearby resort and had everything planned for us to leave right as my daughter came back home.”
“My daughter loves her aunt and cousin.”
“I told my daughter about this and asked her which she would prefer.”
“She was also, as expected, very excited.”
“However, she quickly told me that she wouldn’t be able to tell her friends since they had all been looking forward to this hangout together and she would feel very bad doing so.”
“Understanding this, I decided to text the birthday girl’s mother telling her the situation.”
“It was not until we were already on our road trip that I got a call from her, asking me where my daughter was.”
“When it became clear to me that she had not read the text, I reiterated what I wrote in the text earlier, apologizing to her for any problems caused.”
“The girl’s mother got very upset at this and told me that she had already booked the escape room for a specific number of people and that she had paid per person.”
“I immediately told her that I would be happy to give her back the money and apologized for the issue.”
“She then started yelling at me, saying that it was not about the money and that she had purposely planned it today so all her friends could attend.”
“I was informed then that the only reason they were hosting it a day early was because it would ensure all her friends would come, as if they had done it on the girl’s actual birthday, some kids would not be allowed to go due to an apparent ‘no hangouts two days in a row’ rule.”
“Which I still can say, is a very weird rule, especially at 14.”
“Though surprisingly, at least two of the girls in that friend group would have been held back for such a reason.”
“I tried apologizing but said there was nothing I could do as we were already on the road.”
“She screamed at me a little more before hanging up.”
“I have tried giving her back the money spent on my daughter, but she refuses to take it.”
“All the parents involved in this (that I could speak to about it) are split.”
“Some say that a getaway that pricey could not be forgone and it was only a hangout, whereas others say that their kids were very disappointed at my daughter being absent as she had promised them she’d be there.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who generally agreed that they were indeed the a**hole for how they handled their daughter missing her hangout.
Just about everyone agreed that the OP shouldn’t have merely texted the mother of her daughter’s friend, as she had spent money on this endeavor. Since this hangout was in the books for months, and their sister’s visit was so last minute, canceling the hangout was an irresponsible decision:
“This whole thing is odd.”
“At 14 she has to study for a whole month with no social breaks?”
“She then has plans that you make her break, or even encourage or allow her to break to go on some surprise family trip.”
“She would rather do that than hang with her friends that she hasn’t spent time with in a month?”
“You were rude breaking the appt for your daughter and agreeing to this trip.”
“YTA.”- LCJ75
“YTA.”
“Your 14-year-old daughter started this with better communication than you ever used during this situation.”
“She told you she felt bad canceling on her friends.”
“You then took it upon yourself to text the friend’s mum.”
“INFO: did you explicitly make sure that’s what your daughter wanted you to do?”
“Secondly did you bother to make sure the other mum SAW your text?”
“You didn’t call, you didn’t check she even got your message; you wiped your hands of the whole thing after you did ‘your part’.”
“If your daughter still wanted to go to the hangout instead, after all these strict rules for studying, you’re extra sucky for denying her that.”
“This was scheduled ages in advance, and you just blew it all off to play happy family for a day when, realistically, Aunty and Cousin wouldn’t have died not seeing your daughter.”
“Another mum has now wasted a bunch of money, and I bet I had no time to even try to find someone else to replace your kid that now wasn’t coming.”
“The world doesn’t revolve around any of you.”
“You’re old enough to actually communicate and try to RESOLVE things on both sides instead of being childish about having ‘done your part’.”
“I’ve expanded on this more in a couple of other replies as well, about how you railroaded your daughter into going on your sister’s surprise trip.”
“You’re trying to blame sis like she’s your mommy and you don’t get a choice in being dragged along!”- Stuck_In_Purgatory
“YTA.”
“When you have to cancel an event at such short notice, the minimum amount of respect would be to call the person directly instead of sending a simple SMS.”
“Other than teaching your daughter to be petty, as you seem to be, I don’t see the point of this post.”
“Don’t be surprised if your daughter loses friends and/or invitations in the future.”
“She is simply a reflection of yourself.”- mikoline971
“How would you have felt if someone did that to your daughter?”
“At that age friends are very important and you let the birthday girl down.”
“If you make a commitment, keep it.”
“YTA.”- FasterThanNewts
Some, however, didn’t think anyone looked particularly good in this situation, feeling the mother of the OP’s daughter’s friend badly overreacted, and it was obnoxious of the OP’s sister to just throw a “getaway” on them… even if they still vehemently disagreed with the OP’s behavior:
“ESH.”
“What a sh*tshow.”
“‘A bit before that final exam, I learnt that my sister and her family were flying over on Friday’.”
“Exactly when did your sister spring these last-minute travel plans on you?”
“‘They had booked a ‘weekend getaway’ at a nearby resort and had everything planned for us’.”
“Why would you not have been informed about something like this with any kind of advance notice?”
“‘I told my daughter about this and asked her which she would prefer. She was also, as expected, very excited. However, she quickly told me that she wouldn’t be able to tell her friends since they had all been looking forward to this hangout together and she would feel very bad doing so.'”
“Why are you shielding your child from the consequences of her own decisions?”
“How is she going to learn any social skills that way?”- StAlvis
The OP later returned with an update, sharing where things currently stood with her daughter and her friends, as well as that one furious mother:
“To sum it up, since the post I have tried to amend things based on comments.”
“I’ve told my sister to give me more of a warning even during her surprise plans and apologized to the mother I talked to on the phone earlier for not having given her a warning and for texting instead of calling.”
“She seems to understand, and all is good between us.”
“As for my daughter and her friends, they didn’t care for long, as far as I know.”
“She came back home on Wednesday from school and told me that though some of her friends were upset originally, a lot of them supported her and said it was fine when she apologized.”
“She offered to make a handmade gift for the birthday girl to say sorry, which is a great idea, and I’m proud of her for that.”
“Thank you all for the comments.”
“Definitely understand my mistakes a bit more now than I did originally.”
“Appreciate it again!”
It’s hard to say no to a luxurious weekend away.
It’s easier to say no to that, however, when you already have long-standing plans with people who are important to you.
A lesson that the OP will hopefully remember from now on.
As one imagines, the friends of the OP’s daughter, as well as their parents, will be less forgiving should this happen again.