There is a difference between a request and a demand.
Requests offer the space and respect for a negative response.
Demands do not.
This distinction is particularly important when someone tries to disguise one as the other.
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) tripredo44 when she came tot he “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
“AITA for asking my boyfriend’s siblings to reschedule their trip so I could still go with them?”
Best laid plans…
“My(32F) boyfriend(27M) has had an overseas trip planned with his siblings and their spouses for a number of years.”
“They’ve all been saving for it but when the global ‘thing’ happened they had to cancel.”
“I’ve known about this trip since before we started dating when we were just friends. Once we were together for a while, he invited me to go too. I accepted.”
“The trip has been scheduled for later this year and we were supposed to be gone for a little over a month.”
“I am up for promotion next year and to keep my chances high, it means a lot of travel and training for my job this year.”
Bad Timing.
“One of the training sessions is during the trip.”
“Obviously, I put my career first because better pay means more travel opportunities in the future.”
“I was upset when I told him I wouldn’t be able to make it and suggested that either we go by ourselves and then plan to go with his family in a couple of years or we talk to his family about rescheduling for next year.”
“He said no because the time picked was already the time that worked best for everyone and they want to get a long overseas trip finished before their kids are older and they start taking more kid-friendly vacations.”
“I could not get him to see my point of view regarding scheduling or how it’s kind of cruddy to go on vacation for a month without the person you’re talking about moving in with and marrying.”
“Plus I’ll really need his support during that time.”
“I think it’s pretty reasonable to bring it up with his siblings so I created a group chat and explained the situation to them and how my talk with their brother went.”
“I also thought that maybe if he heard my concerns from married people close to him he’d get the picture.”
“His brother and sister pretty much repeated what he said about rescheduling and told me I should be alright with him going because I know how much it means to him and these plans predate his relationship with me.”
“I accepted their no and that was that but I guess they did talk to him just not about rescheduling.”
“He called me and was disappointed I ‘went over his head’ to talk to his family like that and I had made myself look bad because he was now having to defend me to his family that I’m not controlling or want everyone to do things my way because of my decisions.”
OP was left to wonder,
“AITA?”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: YTA
Unreasonable.
“OP, it was not at all reasonable to bring this up with his siblings, especially behind his back!!!”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the beginning of the end of the relationship.”
“You pestered your boyfriend about moving the trip, showed zero respect for him by not accepting his answer, went behind his back for another verdict.”
“And pulled his family into this without his knowledge.”
“You really expected a group of siblings and spouses to delay their vacation because a short-term girlfriend can’t make it?”
“They plan to be gone over a month, and you thought they would just reschedule with less than six months warning?”
“On top of everything, you are trying to guilt your boyfriend into dropping out of a family trip that they have been planning since before you were dating.” ~ TheOpinionIShare
“YTA, and big yikes for that behavior.”
“His family has been planning this trip for some time, and you were invited but you were never central to the trip.”
“You should be acting like a guest in the family at this point.”
“To ask them to reschedule a long-planned vacation because your schedule changed was extremely entitled, and to ignore your boyfriend’s ‘no’ and go over his head made it way worse.”
“You should be grateful you were even invited, much less asking people to rearrange the trip for you.”
“I’d be reconsidering the relationship if I were him.”
“He’s having to defend you to his family that you’re not controlling and want everyone to do things your way…and he’s having a hard time because that IS how you are.”
“You need to sincerely apologize and reconsider your behavior.” ~ Outrageously_Penguin
The nature of the relationship.
“Not his wife, not his fiancee, not even his live-in SO.”
“OP thinks she’s the main character but needs to realize that she is the Mrs. Hearst in this situation. YTA with a supersized side of Yikes.” ~ Prudent_Plan_6451
“Right, just a girlfriend! Not even a live in girlfriend! Unbelievable.” ~ ElleGeeAitch
“YEP definitely TA these are Blinking neon red flags to expect them to change a trip they’ve had for years to accommodate her when she wasn’t even considered to be an invitee until recently.”
“And then when her bf tells her exactly what he knows they’ll say she decides to take her entitlement to another level by pushing for it anyway.” ~ Hawkfan4_life
The Logistics!
“Yikes on bikes indeed. Also just wanted to point out something else OP said:”
‘”Obviously, I put my career first because better pay means more travel opportunities in the future.'”
“This is not necessarily a true statement.”
“It is one way of thinking about the world, yes.”
“But A) ‘putting your career first’ in front of the other family’s schedules is selfish, and B) this is 100% what workaholics say when they’re trying to justify working instead of going on vacation.”
“It sounds like it was a huge effort to get this many people’s schedules aligned for this trip.”
“And OP’s desire to work because of some vague opportunity for a future promotion does not sound like an emergency or requirement by any stretch of the imagination.”
“There’s nothing wrong with using your vacation days to go on vacation.” ~ BoDiddley_Squat
“Yeah, it sounds like OP originally said she could do the trip on these dates but then changed her plans, which makes her even more YTA for trying to insist that everyone change to work around her.” ~ nrbob
“How often can multiple adults get 3+ weeks off at the same time?!”
“Maybe if she had approached it like ‘I completely understand if it’s not possible, but just on the off chance…’, but it sounds like she’s actually annoyed they didn’t want to try and find another time to reschedule a whole trip.”
“Plus presumably they’d lose money if they have already booked things?”
“And why can’t she just join them before or after?”
“That’s what happened when me and some friends had 3 weeks away booked and one of the guys got an interview opportunity -“
“He just cancelled his flight and accommodation for the first few days and joined us after.”
“OP YTA simply for not being realistic about how difficult it would be to reschedule” ~ tomtink1
The (Ironic) NTA
“NTA.”
“You were never apart of the initial plans, so you’re out of line to think that the entire group would reschedule such a long trip for you.”
“Especially knowing that this trip was planned before you even started your relationship with your bf.”
“They’re all married couples, you’re not married to this guy.”
“They’re not gonna drop this whole thing over someone who isn’t really in the family yet (not to sound rude).” ~ Unknown14428
“‘Everyone should organise their life around me’”
“Bloody hell.”
“NTA for showing your true colours and controlling streak now before your boyfriend actually married you, luckily he now has time to leave and protect his relationship with his siblings.”
“YTA for thinking life revolves around you and being a controlling narcissist.” ~ Nessie51
“NTA for the initial request, theres no harm in asking but overall YTA.”
“You know how long its been planned for, surely that’s an indication of how difficult it is to get everyone together.”
“So you think he is in the wrong for not prioritising you, whilst at the same time, you’re choosing to not prioritize him?”
“Yes, a career is important… to YOU but so is this trip important… to HIM and his trip pre-dates you, you have absolutely no say in when it happens.” ~ DeanomusPrime
There is a difference between a request and a demand.
Demands have their place, of course.
Boundaries are based on the demand for fair treatment, for example.
Just make sure that you’re using these tools for the right reasons,and you’re absolutely clear about what one you’re wielding.